3 years ago today I lost a son, my first son, Adrian. It was a hard time for all involved, especially me. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother to that baby. I was 11 weeks pregnant with Adrian and when I gave birth to my tiny baby, no larger than the palm of my hand, a large chunk of my soul died along with him.
I was in labor for almost 12 hours before simply going pee and there he was. My tiny baby boy, he actually looked like a baby, I didn't expect that. I held him in awe staring at his little feet and hands, wondering if he would have looked like me or Julian. Praying that I would meet him again....
I buried him. I wasn't going to bring him in for them to throw him away, so I buried him in a place I can visit whenever I want to. I didn't have much time with Adrian but I had enough to know that he loved me, and that I loved him more than life itself. Now three years later I still long my for tiny man, for his sweet little voice and hands.
Just as I was starting to move on a bit I got pregnant again and spent a whole 6 months with another wonderful little boy name Elijah. I hit every milestone with this one, I felt kicks and everything. Then out of no where on March 21, 2010, exactly 6 months pregnant, I found out I lost my baby...another baby.
I did not cry this time, I did not pray. I did not feel anything but the anger! I was in labor with Elijah for about 6 hours before pushing my beautiful baby out. He was quite bigger than Adrian....I stared at him knowing he would have had Greg's hands and my toes, Greg's shoulders and legs....He looked like Greg in so many ways. While I held Elijah another large piece of my soul died with him....
I've lost my boys, my children, my life....Now here I am 7 months later. I am 5 months pregnant with a baby girl and praying to God that he doesn't take this one from me. I wouldn't survive it, none of us would. My daughter will know of her two big brothers and on this day every year, as well as birthdays, we will light a candle for them.
They had my heart first and I look forward to the day when I can see them again!!
Please think of the children lost today, and if you remember light a candle for one that you know at 7 pm tonight.
Adrian: Conceived- June 28th, 2006, Died- October 15, 2006,
Birthday- April 22, 2007
Elijah: Conceived- September 26, 2009, Died March 21, 2010
Birthday- July 3, 2010
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That made me cry. My Mom lost her first, a girl, so I will light a candle for Elijah and Adrian as well tonite. And I absolutely believe that we will all be together one day. Matter is neither created nor destroyed, only transformed. (Physics) And love goes on forever. I wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteThere is no greater loss than the loss of a child. It is impossible to get over, every year there are milestones that remind us, birthdays, Christmas, the anniversery of their death. My little girl, Sarah-Jane, was two when she died, so I was fortunate to have a chance to get to know her, to know how brave and wonderful she was. It's over twenty years since she was taken from me but I can still hear her voice, still see the love in her beautiful brown eyes. No, you can never get over it, but once the grieving and all consuming anger begin to abate, you can begin to live again.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I dust Sarah-Jane's photograph I kiss it and tell her I love her...apart from my memories, it's all I have now. But strangely, it seems to be enough. It took a while (years)to get to this point but now I thank God that I had the chance to know her. For all the heartache and pain I wouldn't change a moment of it.
Nolie, with all my heart, I wish you well with this pregnancy and that yours and Julian's pain over the loss of Adrian and Elijah will ease soon. xxxx
I beg your pardon, Nolie, I should have sais yours and Greg's pain. xx
ReplyDeleteThat's okay, you haven't followed for long. lol Julian is my SOON to be ex-husband and the father of Adrian. I believe there is a lovely little blog dedicated to him actually lol. And of course Greg is my boyfriend and the father of my baby now and also Elijah.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you very much. :)