Eclipse came out last night at 12:01, I didn't go to see it though. :( Mom had to work this morning. With Twilight and New Moon there were 3 people all together that knew how to open the store, now there's only mom and Coco, and Coco went to see the movie, so mom couldn't get off work. :( How sad for us huh!? We will probably be going on Saturday.
Saturday is Elijah's birthday...Mom wants to go then because it might help take my mind off of it for a couple hours. It's going to be a sad day!!
I'm watching IN SESSION of TruTV, it's a court case about a woman found mummified under her house... I think I might go work on my GED now...Maybe I can get a bunch of stuff done. :D
I don't have much else to say at the moment, maybe I'll write later on.
Happy Blogging!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
trying to quit smoking
I'm trying to quit smoking!! I have only had 1 today...that's HUGE for me...I might have about one more before bed, which is still awesome for me, so be proud, I am!! It's so hard to try and quit, I'm going crazy. It's hardest after I eat and when I'm irritated.
That's what made me smoke in the first place earlier, Kristine pissed me off, she called me that word that she always does that makes me freak the F out!! GAH she makes me sick!!
I'm watching I shouldn't be Alive at the moment. Nothing else to do...
I worked on my GED a little today, I took one of the practice tests before I started studying just to see how dumb I was. I passed everything but the math part. I'm still obviously going to study the whole book, what else do I have to do, huh??
I'm bored...I think I might go play some pogo...get my mind off of how BAD I WANT AN EFFIN CIGARETTE!! :(
Sad
That's what made me smoke in the first place earlier, Kristine pissed me off, she called me that word that she always does that makes me freak the F out!! GAH she makes me sick!!
I'm watching I shouldn't be Alive at the moment. Nothing else to do...
I worked on my GED a little today, I took one of the practice tests before I started studying just to see how dumb I was. I passed everything but the math part. I'm still obviously going to study the whole book, what else do I have to do, huh??
I'm bored...I think I might go play some pogo...get my mind off of how BAD I WANT AN EFFIN CIGARETTE!! :(
Sad
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tisha's wedding
So the wedding was fabulous. I'm going to post a BUNCH of pictures on my other blog once I'm done writing here.
I cried about a million times at the ceremony, which isn't a shocker. Most people do. Greg had never been to a wedding before and he kept saying he wouldn't cry and he had to suck it up a few times. lol
Latisha was absolutly gorgeous!! I love her to bits and pieces really!! :D Her family knew all about me and kept saying how much she talks about me and loves me. And how I brought her out of her shell and everything, which in turn made me cry more!! I love her family they are all sooo sweet!!
Her sister was the maid of honor and she came walking up to me with the bouquet and said, "This is supposed to be yours. She wanted you there all along." It was so sweet, and I cried again lol. Her brothers were very sweet and everyone kept thanking me for being a good friend to her, and welcomed me so warmly. They are all wonderful people and I was sad to say goodbye to them. I kept getting more and more drinks and dancing more and more with her family. :D I love them already!!
They did the money dance and I danced with Mark, Latisha's husband. He just kept saying how happy he was and how he couldn't help but cry. And how much he loved her! It was so sweet and he just kept saying those things over and over again so I told him he was making me want to puke. lol :D They are so much in love, it's wonderful. They will make it for the rest of their lives, I know they will.
By the end of the reception I had around 9 beers and a vodka and sprite...my god was I drunk. Greg dropped me off and I went to walk into the hallway to walk to my room and I slipped and fell. I think I broke my ass! lol Cyara was CRACKING UP she thought that was the funniest thing in the world. Once I got into the room I realized how much I really hurt myself lol. It feels like I rode a horse all day yesterday lol.
Cyara came in and woke me up today and asked if I was still drunk lol. It was funny as hell. But that is why I only drink once in a while, as much fun as I had I don't enjoy the dry mouth and weird feeling the next day. I don't feel sick and I don't have a headache but I can definitely tell I was drunk last night. :D I had a lot of fun. :)
Well I don't know what else to say at the moment, today has barely begun.
Happy Blogging!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I can't stop crying!! I can't stop thinking!! I miss my son!!
I was doing my nails about an hour ago and ever since then I can't stop...I started thinking that if I was still pregnant I wouldn't be able to paint them, and I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress, and I could go into labor at the wedding, and I would have my son in a few days....
His birthday is in 8 days...I can't handle this!! I can't do this, this is so much harder than it has been. I don't think it fully hit me until today...knowing that no matter what on July 3rd I WILL NOT have a baby...He's not here, I won't see him again...I can't handle this.
Greg's at work and he can't be here with me right now so I'm all alone...I don't have anyone to talk to or lean on right now...and on his birthday Greg is working all day and into the evening because he doesn't want to think about it, but what about me? I need him!! I can't go through that day by myself, but I have to...Mom works until around 3 but I want Greg there also...
I want another baby so bad, but I swear to God I can't go through this again...Everything hurts...it hurts to eat crackers because it reminds me of morning sickness, it hurts to watch movies because during certain ones he was kicking the heck out of me, it hurts to listen to music because he always kicked so much when I sang...it hurts to eat, because I knew what he liked and didn't....
I love Adrian so much, but this is so much harder than when I lost him...I KNEW Elijah, I knew what he liked and what he didn't...I was 3 months away from holding him and kissing him and...I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE!! It's not fair!!
I can't handle this...I can't!! I need strength, I need to be stronger!! I won't make it if I keep crying like I am...
I looked at his pictures the other night. He had my ears, I just noticed it...his hands were so tiny and I remember what it felt like to hold his little body...I miss him so much...it's not fair. Why did this happen to us. We would have been great parents, he would have been well taken care of, he would have been more loved than most children out there...I just wish God would give me an answer...maybe it would make this easier.
I don't know if I can handle this....
I was doing my nails about an hour ago and ever since then I can't stop...I started thinking that if I was still pregnant I wouldn't be able to paint them, and I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress, and I could go into labor at the wedding, and I would have my son in a few days....
His birthday is in 8 days...I can't handle this!! I can't do this, this is so much harder than it has been. I don't think it fully hit me until today...knowing that no matter what on July 3rd I WILL NOT have a baby...He's not here, I won't see him again...I can't handle this.
Greg's at work and he can't be here with me right now so I'm all alone...I don't have anyone to talk to or lean on right now...and on his birthday Greg is working all day and into the evening because he doesn't want to think about it, but what about me? I need him!! I can't go through that day by myself, but I have to...Mom works until around 3 but I want Greg there also...
I want another baby so bad, but I swear to God I can't go through this again...Everything hurts...it hurts to eat crackers because it reminds me of morning sickness, it hurts to watch movies because during certain ones he was kicking the heck out of me, it hurts to listen to music because he always kicked so much when I sang...it hurts to eat, because I knew what he liked and didn't....
I love Adrian so much, but this is so much harder than when I lost him...I KNEW Elijah, I knew what he liked and what he didn't...I was 3 months away from holding him and kissing him and...I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE!! It's not fair!!
I can't handle this...I can't!! I need strength, I need to be stronger!! I won't make it if I keep crying like I am...
I looked at his pictures the other night. He had my ears, I just noticed it...his hands were so tiny and I remember what it felt like to hold his little body...I miss him so much...it's not fair. Why did this happen to us. We would have been great parents, he would have been well taken care of, he would have been more loved than most children out there...I just wish God would give me an answer...maybe it would make this easier.
I don't know if I can handle this....
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Catch Up
I'm sitting here watching Forensic Files, I love this show. Granted when I watch it and Greg isn't here it kind of freaks me out!! Shows like this always do when I'm alone.
True Blood was AMAZING on Sunday, I can't wait a whole week!!!! I am so utterly obsessed it's not even funny. Mom Greg and I all are, it's a fantastic show. And to think I never wanted to give it a chance, pssh I'm glad I did. They will be bringing a new hottie werewolf in the next episode I think, I still love my vampire Bill and my human Jason most though. Anyway I won't bore you with my True Blood obsession, I know most of you probably don't watch it.
I don't know if I mentioned because of everything that went on recently, but Friday we lost our electricity and it didn't come back on until Saturday night at 9...It was horrible, it was hot, and dark and scary...I was so scared. I'm horribly afraid of the dark, and of course Greg was out of town so I had to sleep alone. It seems like every time something bad happens or scary happens Greg is gone and can't come over to make me feel better. It's not really his fault, but it still sucks.
I still haven't talked to Kristine. I'm assuming she told Josh what I said too because he hasn't tried talking to me either. I don't regret saying what I said to her because it's true, but I just hate that a guy has turned two sisters against eachother. It's bullshit!! She's not speaking to mom either, neither one of us know why. It doesn't make any sense.
We had a bunch of storms today, pretty bad ones. To the point where we were heading over to the neighbors to hide in their basement. I refused to leave thought, because I couldn't find Paige, my cat. I wasn't going to leave her sitting somewhere, we were going to put all the animals in the bathroom. We got all of them in there except Paige and I kept saying I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL SHE'S SAFE!! I mean seriously, she's my baby...she's the only one I have with me now...I wasn't going to let her be in danger.
Greg and I were talking and it came out that he doesn't mind if we get pregnant again soon, we just aren't going to necessarily try. I took a pregnancy test today, because there were a few things that made us all think I might of been pregnant. 1-I have been eating Cheese Whizz and crackers and apples like crazy. 2- I have been pooping regularly, sorry about the pooping thing lol. I've never been regular except for when I was pregnant. 3- I seem to be gaining weight, when I am still eating good, except the cheese and crackers of course lol. But the test was negative. I've decided I don't know if I even want to tell people when I do get pregnant.
If this next pregnancy is successful I want to name the baby something meaning 'miracle' or something like that.
Well it's almost midnight so I'm going to get to bed, Greg and I have a 'date' tomorrow. :) We haven't had one of those since Valentine's Day. I can't wait!! I just hope I don't look like too much of a fat ass in regular clothes!! (I usually wear yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt) lol
Goodnight Bloggers!!
True Blood was AMAZING on Sunday, I can't wait a whole week!!!! I am so utterly obsessed it's not even funny. Mom Greg and I all are, it's a fantastic show. And to think I never wanted to give it a chance, pssh I'm glad I did. They will be bringing a new hottie werewolf in the next episode I think, I still love my vampire Bill and my human Jason most though. Anyway I won't bore you with my True Blood obsession, I know most of you probably don't watch it.
I don't know if I mentioned because of everything that went on recently, but Friday we lost our electricity and it didn't come back on until Saturday night at 9...It was horrible, it was hot, and dark and scary...I was so scared. I'm horribly afraid of the dark, and of course Greg was out of town so I had to sleep alone. It seems like every time something bad happens or scary happens Greg is gone and can't come over to make me feel better. It's not really his fault, but it still sucks.
I still haven't talked to Kristine. I'm assuming she told Josh what I said too because he hasn't tried talking to me either. I don't regret saying what I said to her because it's true, but I just hate that a guy has turned two sisters against eachother. It's bullshit!! She's not speaking to mom either, neither one of us know why. It doesn't make any sense.
We had a bunch of storms today, pretty bad ones. To the point where we were heading over to the neighbors to hide in their basement. I refused to leave thought, because I couldn't find Paige, my cat. I wasn't going to leave her sitting somewhere, we were going to put all the animals in the bathroom. We got all of them in there except Paige and I kept saying I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL SHE'S SAFE!! I mean seriously, she's my baby...she's the only one I have with me now...I wasn't going to let her be in danger.
Greg and I were talking and it came out that he doesn't mind if we get pregnant again soon, we just aren't going to necessarily try. I took a pregnancy test today, because there were a few things that made us all think I might of been pregnant. 1-I have been eating Cheese Whizz and crackers and apples like crazy. 2- I have been pooping regularly, sorry about the pooping thing lol. I've never been regular except for when I was pregnant. 3- I seem to be gaining weight, when I am still eating good, except the cheese and crackers of course lol. But the test was negative. I've decided I don't know if I even want to tell people when I do get pregnant.
If this next pregnancy is successful I want to name the baby something meaning 'miracle' or something like that.
Well it's almost midnight so I'm going to get to bed, Greg and I have a 'date' tomorrow. :) We haven't had one of those since Valentine's Day. I can't wait!! I just hope I don't look like too much of a fat ass in regular clothes!! (I usually wear yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt) lol
Goodnight Bloggers!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Shitty day
Well earlier today I got into a huge fight with Kristine. She came barging into my room and yelling and screaming at me saying her and Josh weren't having sex in the shower last night and blah blah blah. I yelled back about how I couldn't stand either one of them anymore and they were both lazy ass holes and pretty much everything I typed out this morning.
She kicked her leg out to kick me but missed so she picked up a shoe and chucked it at me. The instant she did that she took off and ran into her room and locked the door behind her. I then started banging on the door trying to get in, because I swear to God at that point I was going to beat the hell out of her!!! Lucky for her the door wouldn't open! I came back into my room and looked down at my hand and realized that something was wrong.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but I had a cyst on my wrist, it hurt really bad and was a pretty nice size too. Anyway when I looked down it was gone and my wrist was swollen and flat...The cyst burst. I can barely move my hand and as of right now am in a lot of pain from it. I called the ER to make sure that nothing serious was wrong, they said if I continue to have trouble and pain moving my hand and wrist to come in for an x-ray...
Anyway, bottom line, I am done with Kristine.
On another F*d up note, I just found out that 1-Greg has to work on Elijah's birthday so I will be alone until around 5 pm. 2-Greg is going to be in Colorado with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party on Aug 2nd, our one year anniversary..................................WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
Obviously nothing can be worked out to fix that, but celebrating the day after like he wants to is NOT the same!!! I have a right to be pissed and hurt and upset about it, but from what I'm getting he doesn't seem to understand that. I obviously don't expect him not to go but I DO expect him to understand that I DESERVE to be upset about this!! It's our one year anniversary, that's a big deal ya know!!!
Sheesh, this whole day freaking blows!!!! I'm going to bed and I pray to God that tomorrow is better...
Goodnight Bloggers!!
She kicked her leg out to kick me but missed so she picked up a shoe and chucked it at me. The instant she did that she took off and ran into her room and locked the door behind her. I then started banging on the door trying to get in, because I swear to God at that point I was going to beat the hell out of her!!! Lucky for her the door wouldn't open! I came back into my room and looked down at my hand and realized that something was wrong.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but I had a cyst on my wrist, it hurt really bad and was a pretty nice size too. Anyway when I looked down it was gone and my wrist was swollen and flat...The cyst burst. I can barely move my hand and as of right now am in a lot of pain from it. I called the ER to make sure that nothing serious was wrong, they said if I continue to have trouble and pain moving my hand and wrist to come in for an x-ray...
Anyway, bottom line, I am done with Kristine.
On another F*d up note, I just found out that 1-Greg has to work on Elijah's birthday so I will be alone until around 5 pm. 2-Greg is going to be in Colorado with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party on Aug 2nd, our one year anniversary..................................WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
Obviously nothing can be worked out to fix that, but celebrating the day after like he wants to is NOT the same!!! I have a right to be pissed and hurt and upset about it, but from what I'm getting he doesn't seem to understand that. I obviously don't expect him not to go but I DO expect him to understand that I DESERVE to be upset about this!! It's our one year anniversary, that's a big deal ya know!!!
Sheesh, this whole day freaking blows!!!! I'm going to bed and I pray to God that tomorrow is better...
Goodnight Bloggers!!
I'm done with ass hole people!!!
Okay, so I am at the point where I am going to bitch and moan and I honestly don't care if all of you think I'm a whinny little bitch...
I am sick of Josh and Kristine both!! They both are lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful pieces of shit!!!! Neither one of them work, and when they do somehow find money they don't offer any of it to mom! They spend it all on stupid stuff and never help with bills or food or anything but you bet your ass they eat all the food and drink all the drinks and use all the water to take showers but NEVER help pay for it all!!!!
They won't even do their effin chores! And when I ask them to or whatever they say 'I will' and never end up doing it so that mom and I have to do it!! I can't stand to even look at either of them anymore!!!! Last night I walked out of my room to go to the bathroom and someone was in the shower, I had to pee really bad so I started bangin on the door because if it was only Kristine I was going to go in and pee. She yelled back 'I'm almost done!' and then I kept banging like 3 or 4 more times and didn't get any answers. I walked away and made my way towards my moms room to go pee in there praying i didn't wake her up at 1 in the morning...
I heard the bathroom door open and looked over to see Josh's ugly ass trying to sneak out of the bathroom! THEY WERE TAKING AN EFFIN SHOWER TOGETHER DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT!?!?!? One of moms rules for those two low lifes is NO SEX in her house! I woke up this morning and my coffee cup was dirty for the thousandth time and there was no coffee!!! BECAUSE JOSHS UGLY PIECE OF SHIT ASS drank it all and dirtied my cup. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but seriously, you don't understand how many times I have asked him not to do that and he doesn't listen. I literally have to hide my cup in my room and make more coffee when i get up. It's bullshit!!!
If they aren't gone within the next few months, I swear i am going to move out! I don't care if I have to live with my dad or on the friken streets!!! I can't stand them anymore!!!!
I am sick of Josh and Kristine both!! They both are lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful pieces of shit!!!! Neither one of them work, and when they do somehow find money they don't offer any of it to mom! They spend it all on stupid stuff and never help with bills or food or anything but you bet your ass they eat all the food and drink all the drinks and use all the water to take showers but NEVER help pay for it all!!!!
They won't even do their effin chores! And when I ask them to or whatever they say 'I will' and never end up doing it so that mom and I have to do it!! I can't stand to even look at either of them anymore!!!! Last night I walked out of my room to go to the bathroom and someone was in the shower, I had to pee really bad so I started bangin on the door because if it was only Kristine I was going to go in and pee. She yelled back 'I'm almost done!' and then I kept banging like 3 or 4 more times and didn't get any answers. I walked away and made my way towards my moms room to go pee in there praying i didn't wake her up at 1 in the morning...
I heard the bathroom door open and looked over to see Josh's ugly ass trying to sneak out of the bathroom! THEY WERE TAKING AN EFFIN SHOWER TOGETHER DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT!?!?!? One of moms rules for those two low lifes is NO SEX in her house! I woke up this morning and my coffee cup was dirty for the thousandth time and there was no coffee!!! BECAUSE JOSHS UGLY PIECE OF SHIT ASS drank it all and dirtied my cup. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but seriously, you don't understand how many times I have asked him not to do that and he doesn't listen. I literally have to hide my cup in my room and make more coffee when i get up. It's bullshit!!!
If they aren't gone within the next few months, I swear i am going to move out! I don't care if I have to live with my dad or on the friken streets!!! I can't stand them anymore!!!!
Friday, June 18, 2010
:(
I am utterly obsessed with this show. We all are. Greg, mom, and I. We watched 2 full seasons in about 4 or 5 days, and are now waiting for Sunday to roll around to watch the second episode of the 3rd season. It's a fantastic show!!!!
Greg went to Chicago today to visit his mom and sisters. One of his sisters just had a baby not long ago, so he's going to see the baby also. I've seen pictures, she is so adorable.
I'm in a LOT of pain today...almost unbearable!! I have already taken a vicodin and it is NOT helping at all!!! I just want to cry!!!! I hate being in pain and I don't understand why I can't have even just one day without hurting...it's so frustrating!!! Everything the doctors give me help for an hour or two and then it doesn't help anymore!! I hate it! I can't handle this anymore!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Natta Latta
Greg came over and brought me these flowers the other day. :D They are so pretty, he's made a huge change. Last night we were laying in bed watching tv and he actually asked me if he could check the score of the game. It's kind of silly, he never did that before, he would just check it really quick and change it back. It was never a big deal to me, so I asked him why he asked me if he could do that instead of just doing it himself, and he said because I'm trying to be better.
When I walked into my room last night he was sprawled out on the bed and had the tv on a show he liked and I started laughing and said, what are you doing laying there turning my tv on like you live here. :) Just joking of course. He spent the night last night, I think mostly because he was just too tired to drive home. Either way, I slept better last night.
Past couple days that he has come over we have been in the living room watching 'True Blood' with mom. He actually likes the show, FINALLY I found a show I love as well as he. :D It's exciting.
He is buying me the GED study guide, and I'll be working on that soon, so if there aren't many posts that is why. My goal is to start school, online, when he does in the Fall.
I rearranged my room yesterday, I actually have space to do that now. Today I am going to work on my DVD collection and do laundry and all that good stuff. Currently I am watching 'Bled' on Fearnet, so far it's quite interesting.
Joe stopped talking to me again......not much else to say about that, because that's all I know.
Tisha's wedding is coming up, YAY! I'm excited for her! Her bachelorette party is Saturday. :D Just going out for a few drinks at the Featherbone here in town.
I don't have much else to say at the moment.
Happy blogging!!!! =E
Monday, June 14, 2010
:D Great Day
I just spent the whole day with Greg. Well from about 2:30. Mom Greg and I watched True Blood all day, finally found a show that Greg likes as well as me. :D It's about time!!!
I don't have much to say tonight, it was actually a very good day...maybe he was right, we did need time away...today was perfect...I just hope it stays this way.
There are more pictures on my other blog of us from today. :)
Goodnight bloggers!!
Explaination
Okay, so now that I have a little more time, I'll explain in more detail. I had all intentions on not going back. Moving forward and not looking back...but then Greg showed up.
It was awkward seeing him at first, I wanted to crawl across the bed, sit on his lap, and bawl my eyes out. I couldn't look at him, and for awhile he didn't look at me either. He started by explaining in more detail why he felt that he needed to move out. He said that he did it so that we would both realize that we need to get our lives together, going to school, saving money, etc...
He wants me to get my GED and go to school to be a kindergarten teacher like I keep saying I'm going to do...and he believes that if he was still living here, that I would not do it. Which isn't true by the way, if he would have said these things to me before and talk to me like I always asked him to, we may have been able to fix things before it got to this point.
He wants us to save money and get our own place eventually, and he feels that with him living here he won't be able to do that. He wants us to appreciate the time we get together more, because we both were taking it for granted...which is true.
He will still be here all the time, and on occasion spend the night. He just felt that we needed some time apart until we got our lives together...this will motivate me to move forward faster so that I can live with him again sooner...
I talked to quite a few people, and each one of those people kept saying how perfect we were together, how we should make this work, how we were the ones to make it, and so on, you get what I'm saying...and at first I was pissed, because I kept thinking GOD PEOPLE WE JUST BROKE UP SAY SOMETHING HELPFUL, but the more I thought about it, they were right...we are the ones to make it, and because of that, we can't give up when times get tough.
I was bitching about him giving up and chickening out, but I did the same thing. I was unwilling to work this out with him not living here...I gave up, the same way I accused him of doing. And that was hypocritical of me and childish...I don't agree with him moving out and the reasons, but he feels very strongly about it so I have no choice but to attempt to work this out...
I know that some of you may not understand this, but you'd have to see and feel how it is to be around us to understand that we love each other more than most couples do. We have a connection and love that is one from a movie.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and explain things. I have to go eat an apple and get things ready because Greg is coming over in a little while and once mom gets home we are all going to watch True Blood...Great show btw.
:) Happy Blogging!!!!
It was awkward seeing him at first, I wanted to crawl across the bed, sit on his lap, and bawl my eyes out. I couldn't look at him, and for awhile he didn't look at me either. He started by explaining in more detail why he felt that he needed to move out. He said that he did it so that we would both realize that we need to get our lives together, going to school, saving money, etc...
He wants me to get my GED and go to school to be a kindergarten teacher like I keep saying I'm going to do...and he believes that if he was still living here, that I would not do it. Which isn't true by the way, if he would have said these things to me before and talk to me like I always asked him to, we may have been able to fix things before it got to this point.
He wants us to save money and get our own place eventually, and he feels that with him living here he won't be able to do that. He wants us to appreciate the time we get together more, because we both were taking it for granted...which is true.
He will still be here all the time, and on occasion spend the night. He just felt that we needed some time apart until we got our lives together...this will motivate me to move forward faster so that I can live with him again sooner...
I talked to quite a few people, and each one of those people kept saying how perfect we were together, how we should make this work, how we were the ones to make it, and so on, you get what I'm saying...and at first I was pissed, because I kept thinking GOD PEOPLE WE JUST BROKE UP SAY SOMETHING HELPFUL, but the more I thought about it, they were right...we are the ones to make it, and because of that, we can't give up when times get tough.
I was bitching about him giving up and chickening out, but I did the same thing. I was unwilling to work this out with him not living here...I gave up, the same way I accused him of doing. And that was hypocritical of me and childish...I don't agree with him moving out and the reasons, but he feels very strongly about it so I have no choice but to attempt to work this out...
I know that some of you may not understand this, but you'd have to see and feel how it is to be around us to understand that we love each other more than most couples do. We have a connection and love that is one from a movie.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and explain things. I have to go eat an apple and get things ready because Greg is coming over in a little while and once mom gets home we are all going to watch True Blood...Great show btw.
:) Happy Blogging!!!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Every time something is good, it's torn away...
Another almost sleepless night for me, but that's no surprise, I've been sleeping next to Greg for almost a year now, it takes time to get used to him not being there... I just hate this, because I really did see us going all the way, the whole 9 yards you know? I saw us with children and grandchildren... I saw us happy and being one of those couples that die two days apart so that the other didn't have live without the other... I really felt this was it.
I know he's sad also, but he can't possibly feel how I do, he's the one that left. He's the one that chose not to stay here and try to work everything out, his solution was to move out...run away, even after I told him I couldn't handle it. I can't do this...I lost not only a man that I loved with all my heart and soul, but my best friend. The only person who knows me better than I know myself...I know break ups happen, but that will not keep me from bitching and crying. This really was supposed to be it, he was supposed to be the last man I was with. I wasn't supposed to have to start all over.
He said that he feels like Elijah's death happened so that we could get our lives together, which makes sense, but he also said that it happened so we could go out and see things and enjoy our 'adolescence' and that's bullshit! He's going to be 25 and I'm 22 there is no adolescence left in us, especially after losing a child. That experience makes people grow up not regress back to their teenage years.
Greg is a good man, and he was a great boyfriend up until the past month or so. I think that's why this is so much harder than even losing Julian. I expected Julian and I to break up after a while, but Greg and I were never supposed to. I never thought we would. He stuck around and waited for me for 7 years, how in the hell can he just throw all the time away, like it was wasted!? I always thought that because he waited so long for me that it was one of the many reasons we were going to make it.
I love him with every part of my mind body and soul. This is going to be something that will change me for the rest of my life...I loved Julian but my feelings for Greg were intensified by our deep connection to each other. There was more chemistry and passion between the two of us than I have seen with any other person. We didn't have much in common but our love should have been enough to get us through anything!
I feel like he failed me! He failed us! He gave up and ran away, and he expected us to survive it. I may be a strong person, in theory. But when it comes to this type of situation, when you loose the person you were wanting to spend the rest of your life with, you don't survive this. A large piece of you dies with the relationship, and I feel that already happening. It's inevitable I suppose, everything ends, but love is never supposed to die.
My chest is heavy, my heart is actually aching, my head is fuzzy, my ears are humming, my eyes are blurring...I feel like I've lost my soul...he held every part of me in the palm of his hand, and slowly closed his hand as he walked away, crushing my soul and spirit all in one action alone... Leaving me empty and broken. I know that one day I will start to heal, but I will never be whole, I will never be complete. He not only took 'me' with him, he took the parts of him that completed me. We were one person together, you can't be whole without that other half of yourself. I never was until we finally got together.
These 7 years couldn't have been for nothing. Our friendship that turned into the most loving fun filled expierence of my life, couldn't be all for nothing.
Every time something is good, it's torn away. That's my entire life story in one sentence. Every time I have something good going in my life, it's ripped from me like some cruel joke. Like God is looking down on me laughing saying, "HA, you thought you could be happy!! Stupid girl!" That may not be the case, but I promise you that is how it feels. I feel like my entire life has been nothing but one huge practical joke! I have nothing going for me, I have shit loads of health problems, I have no children, no love, no happiness anymore, I lost my best friend...
Yes I have a 'woe is me' attitude, but guess what!? If you don't want to read it go away, I have every right to be this way...
'Every time something is good, it's torn away...'
I know he's sad also, but he can't possibly feel how I do, he's the one that left. He's the one that chose not to stay here and try to work everything out, his solution was to move out...run away, even after I told him I couldn't handle it. I can't do this...I lost not only a man that I loved with all my heart and soul, but my best friend. The only person who knows me better than I know myself...I know break ups happen, but that will not keep me from bitching and crying. This really was supposed to be it, he was supposed to be the last man I was with. I wasn't supposed to have to start all over.
He said that he feels like Elijah's death happened so that we could get our lives together, which makes sense, but he also said that it happened so we could go out and see things and enjoy our 'adolescence' and that's bullshit! He's going to be 25 and I'm 22 there is no adolescence left in us, especially after losing a child. That experience makes people grow up not regress back to their teenage years.
Greg is a good man, and he was a great boyfriend up until the past month or so. I think that's why this is so much harder than even losing Julian. I expected Julian and I to break up after a while, but Greg and I were never supposed to. I never thought we would. He stuck around and waited for me for 7 years, how in the hell can he just throw all the time away, like it was wasted!? I always thought that because he waited so long for me that it was one of the many reasons we were going to make it.
I love him with every part of my mind body and soul. This is going to be something that will change me for the rest of my life...I loved Julian but my feelings for Greg were intensified by our deep connection to each other. There was more chemistry and passion between the two of us than I have seen with any other person. We didn't have much in common but our love should have been enough to get us through anything!
I feel like he failed me! He failed us! He gave up and ran away, and he expected us to survive it. I may be a strong person, in theory. But when it comes to this type of situation, when you loose the person you were wanting to spend the rest of your life with, you don't survive this. A large piece of you dies with the relationship, and I feel that already happening. It's inevitable I suppose, everything ends, but love is never supposed to die.
My chest is heavy, my heart is actually aching, my head is fuzzy, my ears are humming, my eyes are blurring...I feel like I've lost my soul...he held every part of me in the palm of his hand, and slowly closed his hand as he walked away, crushing my soul and spirit all in one action alone... Leaving me empty and broken. I know that one day I will start to heal, but I will never be whole, I will never be complete. He not only took 'me' with him, he took the parts of him that completed me. We were one person together, you can't be whole without that other half of yourself. I never was until we finally got together.
These 7 years couldn't have been for nothing. Our friendship that turned into the most loving fun filled expierence of my life, couldn't be all for nothing.
Every time something is good, it's torn away. That's my entire life story in one sentence. Every time I have something good going in my life, it's ripped from me like some cruel joke. Like God is looking down on me laughing saying, "HA, you thought you could be happy!! Stupid girl!" That may not be the case, but I promise you that is how it feels. I feel like my entire life has been nothing but one huge practical joke! I have nothing going for me, I have shit loads of health problems, I have no children, no love, no happiness anymore, I lost my best friend...
Yes I have a 'woe is me' attitude, but guess what!? If you don't want to read it go away, I have every right to be this way...
'Every time something is good, it's torn away...'
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Broken
Greg moved out yesterday... it started off as him saying he wanted to move out so he could save money for when he's in school to support himself. I had told him when he first made the decision to go back to school that I would work while he was in school and all he would have to pay for was gas if he could. But no, that isn't good enough for Greg. He fought with me on every solution I tried to come up with so he didn't have to leave, he refused every single one of them.
He wanted to stay together and him just move out...I wasn't okay with that. I told him, especially at this time in my life, I am not strong enough to try to make it work like that. We can't go backwards on this. We can't live together for a year and then have him move out and expect the relationship to stay the same. It doesn't work that way. You don't just leave because shit gets tough! I asked him why he couldn't just stay and we can work something else out, but he wasn't having it. He refused and kept saying I'm leaving for a good reason. To save money for our future, and I kept saying if you move out we won't have a future so you'll have your money but you won't have me!
He still left. We broke up. I cried for hours. I didn't sleep.
All day he has been trying to convince me that this was the right thing to do, that I should give this a try. And all day we talked and went back and forth on it. He stopped by to bring me the tv back and was only here for a matter of 30 seconds. I was planning on talking to him, but he took off so fast I didn't have a chance. I was going to talk and tell him we could try it, but he left...
I txt him and asked if he was going out tonight, because he was all dressed up, and he said he has plans and is waiting for his friend to call him...I told him I wanted to talk tonight and he kept refusing saying that it would be better to do tomorrow. I told myself that if he came over tonight to talk that I would try to work this out, but if he decided to go out with his friends instead of come over to fix this I was done. I'm waiting for his reply as we speak... If he doesn't come over tonight, he obviously thinks his friends are more important.
And if he chooses his friends over having this conversation tonight, then he definitely isn't the person I fell in love with. He's more like Julian... I fought for us for so long, and just like that he gets up and moves out. It's not right. And I feel dumb for even considering trying to work this out like this but if he shows up I know he really wants this to work out. And like I said if he doesn't he's an asshole and I'm not going to stick around and deal with it. I've already cried way too much over him, just today alone...
He text back and said no. He said he can't do it tonight that it's hard on him and he can't see me tonight! It's all bullshit, I bet it's because he wants to be with his friends. I won't budge on this! I told him how it was and he didn't accept it. I didn't do anything wrong, this is not my fault. He ruined us! He broke us! We could have been great, but apparently I wasn't good enough to fit into his little world of drinking and hanging out with his friends all the time.
I just took a vicodin, for once not because I'm in pain. I'm hoping it knocks my ass out, I don't want to deal with this shit! This all happens less than a month away from Elijah's birthday. Julian did this same shit to me!
I can't deal with this. I'm a good person, I don't deserve shit like this! Why can't I just find someone who will love me and respect my decisions and views on life instead of always trying to change them!?
He wanted to stay together and him just move out...I wasn't okay with that. I told him, especially at this time in my life, I am not strong enough to try to make it work like that. We can't go backwards on this. We can't live together for a year and then have him move out and expect the relationship to stay the same. It doesn't work that way. You don't just leave because shit gets tough! I asked him why he couldn't just stay and we can work something else out, but he wasn't having it. He refused and kept saying I'm leaving for a good reason. To save money for our future, and I kept saying if you move out we won't have a future so you'll have your money but you won't have me!
He still left. We broke up. I cried for hours. I didn't sleep.
All day he has been trying to convince me that this was the right thing to do, that I should give this a try. And all day we talked and went back and forth on it. He stopped by to bring me the tv back and was only here for a matter of 30 seconds. I was planning on talking to him, but he took off so fast I didn't have a chance. I was going to talk and tell him we could try it, but he left...
I txt him and asked if he was going out tonight, because he was all dressed up, and he said he has plans and is waiting for his friend to call him...I told him I wanted to talk tonight and he kept refusing saying that it would be better to do tomorrow. I told myself that if he came over tonight to talk that I would try to work this out, but if he decided to go out with his friends instead of come over to fix this I was done. I'm waiting for his reply as we speak... If he doesn't come over tonight, he obviously thinks his friends are more important.
And if he chooses his friends over having this conversation tonight, then he definitely isn't the person I fell in love with. He's more like Julian... I fought for us for so long, and just like that he gets up and moves out. It's not right. And I feel dumb for even considering trying to work this out like this but if he shows up I know he really wants this to work out. And like I said if he doesn't he's an asshole and I'm not going to stick around and deal with it. I've already cried way too much over him, just today alone...
He text back and said no. He said he can't do it tonight that it's hard on him and he can't see me tonight! It's all bullshit, I bet it's because he wants to be with his friends. I won't budge on this! I told him how it was and he didn't accept it. I didn't do anything wrong, this is not my fault. He ruined us! He broke us! We could have been great, but apparently I wasn't good enough to fit into his little world of drinking and hanging out with his friends all the time.
I just took a vicodin, for once not because I'm in pain. I'm hoping it knocks my ass out, I don't want to deal with this shit! This all happens less than a month away from Elijah's birthday. Julian did this same shit to me!
I can't deal with this. I'm a good person, I don't deserve shit like this! Why can't I just find someone who will love me and respect my decisions and views on life instead of always trying to change them!?
Friday, June 11, 2010
More bitching...
Greg apologized last night. We had somewhat of a 'text argument', we very rarely argue face to face. I try to talk to him face to face but he won't say a word or stares at me like I'm an idiot which pisses me off more, so majority of the time it's text arguments unless it's something that I NEED to say face to face.
Anyway I had text messaged him yesterday and asked if he wanted out, and if he did he needed to speak up and stop staying quiet about it, he replied, 'where did that come from.' I won't got word for word, sentence for sentence. Long story short he "told" me why he has been acting like this. He said he's in a 'weird' place right now, and that he's worried about us, school, work, his health, etc...And he's trying to learn to deal with the fact that he has health problems now, just like I do. He said that's a hard part, dealing with both of our health problems, he said it was easier when it was only me. SORRY BUD, you're just as unhealthy as I am!
He also said he's stressed out about working all the time to help out, and a bunch of stuff like that. So I then asked him, why don't you tell me these things before it gets to the point where I get pissed and start yelling and screaming at you!? If you did we could avoid all of this all together. He said I will talk to you more, I will kiss you goodbye, I will say I love you, I'm just sick of fighting. And I said, yeah well again, if you really do start communicating with me we wouldn't fight.
Greg and I used to NEVER fight. Now it's all the time, and it's usually about stupid stuff like this. But if he doesn't ever talk to me how am I supposed to know what is really going on in his head. I have been burned too many times by someone who never talked to me, and every worry that I had came true. So blame it on past relationships or whatever, but communication is a HUGE thing if he wants to stay with me. He said one reason why he never talks to me is because I have enough problems of my own to deal with and I don't need his on top of it all.
What he doesn't seem to understand though, no matter how many times I try to explain it, when he doesn't talk to me and he ignores me, it causes more problems then if he would just talk. I like when people talk to me about their problems, it takes my mind off of mine for awhile. Why does no one seem to get that? I love to help people, and be there for people when they need someone to talk to or cry to, or even just be there for someone and stay quiet if that's what's needed. Greg never allows that to happen.
I need to feel needed, that's another problem we have. Julian 'needed' me, he acted like a child most of the time, he wouldn't do something unless I reminded him a million times. If he was pissed off or upset or sad or anything he would talk to me about it and I would console him. I cooked him dinner, I took care of him when he was sick...I was and felt needed with Julian. Greg never needs me for anything, except sex of course. He doesn't talk to me, so I can't console him, when he's sick I try to take care of him, but he doesn't really let me do that either.
Like I said yesterday Greg and Julian are two totally different guys, Julian liked being taken care of, even when he said he didn't. Greg doesn't, period! Maybe it's my 'motherly instincts' that kicked in while I was pregnant with Adrian, and they just never went away. I have always babied everyone, but I never really needed to be needed, you know? I hate it, it's like I'm dependent on another person to need me for me to be happy. It's so twisted, I know. :(
I just want to feel needed, even if I'm not. I want to feel loved, and wanted, and pretty. I want him to get out of this stupid funk so he can go back to being the guy he used to be, the guy that I quit my job for and gave up everything else for. Not this new depressed ass hole guy.
I don't know, I guess I'll go now though. Have to find something to do. Maybe I'll do more research on Renfield's Syndrome. Did I tell you about that?? *waits for an answer*, No? Okay well Renfield's Syndrome is what my next book is going to be about. Renfield's is considered 'clinical vampirism'. :D Yay me! An interesting story with an interesting twist and definitely an interesting character. It fascinates me. Joe said he was going to help with it, so that's pretty sweet also.
I've done a lot of research on it, maybe my next post can explain to you exactly what it and why people become that way. But then again, maybe I'll just make you google it yourself. :D Hehe. Happy Blogging!!!
Anyway I had text messaged him yesterday and asked if he wanted out, and if he did he needed to speak up and stop staying quiet about it, he replied, 'where did that come from.' I won't got word for word, sentence for sentence. Long story short he "told" me why he has been acting like this. He said he's in a 'weird' place right now, and that he's worried about us, school, work, his health, etc...And he's trying to learn to deal with the fact that he has health problems now, just like I do. He said that's a hard part, dealing with both of our health problems, he said it was easier when it was only me. SORRY BUD, you're just as unhealthy as I am!
He also said he's stressed out about working all the time to help out, and a bunch of stuff like that. So I then asked him, why don't you tell me these things before it gets to the point where I get pissed and start yelling and screaming at you!? If you did we could avoid all of this all together. He said I will talk to you more, I will kiss you goodbye, I will say I love you, I'm just sick of fighting. And I said, yeah well again, if you really do start communicating with me we wouldn't fight.
Greg and I used to NEVER fight. Now it's all the time, and it's usually about stupid stuff like this. But if he doesn't ever talk to me how am I supposed to know what is really going on in his head. I have been burned too many times by someone who never talked to me, and every worry that I had came true. So blame it on past relationships or whatever, but communication is a HUGE thing if he wants to stay with me. He said one reason why he never talks to me is because I have enough problems of my own to deal with and I don't need his on top of it all.
What he doesn't seem to understand though, no matter how many times I try to explain it, when he doesn't talk to me and he ignores me, it causes more problems then if he would just talk. I like when people talk to me about their problems, it takes my mind off of mine for awhile. Why does no one seem to get that? I love to help people, and be there for people when they need someone to talk to or cry to, or even just be there for someone and stay quiet if that's what's needed. Greg never allows that to happen.
I need to feel needed, that's another problem we have. Julian 'needed' me, he acted like a child most of the time, he wouldn't do something unless I reminded him a million times. If he was pissed off or upset or sad or anything he would talk to me about it and I would console him. I cooked him dinner, I took care of him when he was sick...I was and felt needed with Julian. Greg never needs me for anything, except sex of course. He doesn't talk to me, so I can't console him, when he's sick I try to take care of him, but he doesn't really let me do that either.
Like I said yesterday Greg and Julian are two totally different guys, Julian liked being taken care of, even when he said he didn't. Greg doesn't, period! Maybe it's my 'motherly instincts' that kicked in while I was pregnant with Adrian, and they just never went away. I have always babied everyone, but I never really needed to be needed, you know? I hate it, it's like I'm dependent on another person to need me for me to be happy. It's so twisted, I know. :(
I just want to feel needed, even if I'm not. I want to feel loved, and wanted, and pretty. I want him to get out of this stupid funk so he can go back to being the guy he used to be, the guy that I quit my job for and gave up everything else for. Not this new depressed ass hole guy.
I don't know, I guess I'll go now though. Have to find something to do. Maybe I'll do more research on Renfield's Syndrome. Did I tell you about that?? *waits for an answer*, No? Okay well Renfield's Syndrome is what my next book is going to be about. Renfield's is considered 'clinical vampirism'. :D Yay me! An interesting story with an interesting twist and definitely an interesting character. It fascinates me. Joe said he was going to help with it, so that's pretty sweet also.
I've done a lot of research on it, maybe my next post can explain to you exactly what it and why people become that way. But then again, maybe I'll just make you google it yourself. :D Hehe. Happy Blogging!!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
the end?
You know what I hate!? I hate when Greg leaves without saying goodbye, or giving me a kiss, or saying I love you!!! What if that was the last time I saw his face, and he didn't do or say any of those things!? It's rude in my opinion. Also, I hate that he never asks how I'm feeling, or if I'm feeling better...It's little things like that piss me off and drive me crazy.
I text messaged him yesterday and told him I was irritated with him because of those couple things and he came back with, "OMG I am so sorry for my rudeness." That of course pissed me off also. Lately he has been such an ass, he doesn't really talk to me and when he does it's filled with sarcasm.
The other night we were watching A&E and a commercial for a show called Obsessed came on (it's about people with OCD) and I asked him if I had that if he would still be with me, he said no. I was like that's kinda dickish you know, and he said I don't want to be with someone who has more problems than me, I have enough problems of my own, I don't need to deal with someone elses too. So I asked, why are you with me then, he replied, I'm still trying to figure that out. After maybe a half hour he said, I'm just kidding...
I personally don't think he was kidding, especially since lately he hasn't really talked to me or anything. And Lord knows, if I ask what's wrong I either get snapped at or get a response that pisses me off worse than him ignoring me. Last night he barely said anything to me, I think if I didn't talk we wouldn't have talked at all...Then at around midnight I turned over and said goodnight and he said it back and that was all. When he finally decided to go to sleep he laid on the floor and that's where he was all night. This morning his alarm went off and he got up and left without saying a word or giving me a kiss or anything...AGAIN!
I don't know if he's acting like a dick because Elijah's due date is coming up or what, all I know is that I don't need to deal with him acting this way, because ELIJAH'S DUE DATE IS COMING UP! Even if I asked him if that's why he's acting like a jerk he'd reply with, I'm not acting any different, nothing's wrong, why does something always have to be wrong, blah blah blah. He never talks to me, how are we supposed to have a functioning relationship when he NEVER tells me how he feels, not just about me, but about anything in general.
I've come to the point where I don't talk to him about my feelings either. If I don't talk to mom about it, I talk to a friend...and believe it or not, that friend has been there for me WAY more than Greg lately. I can repeat the same things over and over again and my friend will listen and respond with words that make me feel better the instant I read them. My friend is doing things and saying things that Greg should be doing, but is too self involved to give a shit about me and my feelings or needs.
I've gotten the feeling lately that we are on the verge of a break down...I feel like he doesn't want me like he used to, like it's comfortable here for him, so that's why he's not leaving. I don't feel loved like I used to, I don't feel wanted, I don't feel anything from him lately.
Maybe it's my fault. I mean seriously, I have two totally different guys, Greg and Julian, two guys that at one time or another loved me and wanted to be with me. Two guys that started off wanted to always cuddle and touch me and hold me and kiss me, and eventually started pulling away...Maybe I'm doing something wrong, Greg was supposed to the guy that never pulled away from me. He was supposed to be the guy he always claimed to be, the one that would never hurt me or make me cry. The one that would never doubt me or make me doubt him. And he's not that person anymore...Maybe losing Elijah made him this way, but to be honest, there wasn't much of a difference before when I was pregnant. He's been like this for a long time now.
It changed for a little while after we lost Elijah but now it's right back to where we were when I was pregnant. I feel like this is going no where. How am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone who, I feel, doesn't even treat this like a relationship? If he did, he would communicate. He would want to spend time together, he wouldn't ignore me, he would kiss me every chance he had...especially when he leaves. Maybe I don't want to be with a guy that has more emotional problems than I do! At least I express myself, I tell people how I feel...If I learned anything from Elijah, it's that life is over in an instant with no warning. So I won't let it go unknown how I feel about someone or something.
Greg keeps it all to himself. I'm not sure I can deal with it much longer. If this is all happening because Elijah's due date is coming up soon, I wish he would tell me. Because at this moment I can't help but think that by the time July 3rd comes around, I will be alone in my room mourning the death of my second child by myself...boyfriend-less.
Julian lied to me all the time, Greg doesn't talk...about anything!!! Maybe I attract the guys that seem good at first but turn out to have more problems than I do!? TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL DAMNIT! THAT'S ALL I ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I suppose I have written enough for one day.....................Even though I could go on and on and on about how this relationship has turned more into a room mate situation...but I won't. I've said enough for now.
Oh by the way, I might be watching a friends baby for a couple days... :) I'm finally okay to that, GO ME! I played with Heather's baby yesterday...Such a cute little chubber bubber!! :D We played Peek-a-boo lol, I think I had more fun than he did.
I text messaged him yesterday and told him I was irritated with him because of those couple things and he came back with, "OMG I am so sorry for my rudeness." That of course pissed me off also. Lately he has been such an ass, he doesn't really talk to me and when he does it's filled with sarcasm.
The other night we were watching A&E and a commercial for a show called Obsessed came on (it's about people with OCD) and I asked him if I had that if he would still be with me, he said no. I was like that's kinda dickish you know, and he said I don't want to be with someone who has more problems than me, I have enough problems of my own, I don't need to deal with someone elses too. So I asked, why are you with me then, he replied, I'm still trying to figure that out. After maybe a half hour he said, I'm just kidding...
I personally don't think he was kidding, especially since lately he hasn't really talked to me or anything. And Lord knows, if I ask what's wrong I either get snapped at or get a response that pisses me off worse than him ignoring me. Last night he barely said anything to me, I think if I didn't talk we wouldn't have talked at all...Then at around midnight I turned over and said goodnight and he said it back and that was all. When he finally decided to go to sleep he laid on the floor and that's where he was all night. This morning his alarm went off and he got up and left without saying a word or giving me a kiss or anything...AGAIN!
I don't know if he's acting like a dick because Elijah's due date is coming up or what, all I know is that I don't need to deal with him acting this way, because ELIJAH'S DUE DATE IS COMING UP! Even if I asked him if that's why he's acting like a jerk he'd reply with, I'm not acting any different, nothing's wrong, why does something always have to be wrong, blah blah blah. He never talks to me, how are we supposed to have a functioning relationship when he NEVER tells me how he feels, not just about me, but about anything in general.
I've come to the point where I don't talk to him about my feelings either. If I don't talk to mom about it, I talk to a friend...and believe it or not, that friend has been there for me WAY more than Greg lately. I can repeat the same things over and over again and my friend will listen and respond with words that make me feel better the instant I read them. My friend is doing things and saying things that Greg should be doing, but is too self involved to give a shit about me and my feelings or needs.
I've gotten the feeling lately that we are on the verge of a break down...I feel like he doesn't want me like he used to, like it's comfortable here for him, so that's why he's not leaving. I don't feel loved like I used to, I don't feel wanted, I don't feel anything from him lately.
Maybe it's my fault. I mean seriously, I have two totally different guys, Greg and Julian, two guys that at one time or another loved me and wanted to be with me. Two guys that started off wanted to always cuddle and touch me and hold me and kiss me, and eventually started pulling away...Maybe I'm doing something wrong, Greg was supposed to the guy that never pulled away from me. He was supposed to be the guy he always claimed to be, the one that would never hurt me or make me cry. The one that would never doubt me or make me doubt him. And he's not that person anymore...Maybe losing Elijah made him this way, but to be honest, there wasn't much of a difference before when I was pregnant. He's been like this for a long time now.
It changed for a little while after we lost Elijah but now it's right back to where we were when I was pregnant. I feel like this is going no where. How am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone who, I feel, doesn't even treat this like a relationship? If he did, he would communicate. He would want to spend time together, he wouldn't ignore me, he would kiss me every chance he had...especially when he leaves. Maybe I don't want to be with a guy that has more emotional problems than I do! At least I express myself, I tell people how I feel...If I learned anything from Elijah, it's that life is over in an instant with no warning. So I won't let it go unknown how I feel about someone or something.
Greg keeps it all to himself. I'm not sure I can deal with it much longer. If this is all happening because Elijah's due date is coming up soon, I wish he would tell me. Because at this moment I can't help but think that by the time July 3rd comes around, I will be alone in my room mourning the death of my second child by myself...boyfriend-less.
Julian lied to me all the time, Greg doesn't talk...about anything!!! Maybe I attract the guys that seem good at first but turn out to have more problems than I do!? TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL DAMNIT! THAT'S ALL I ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I suppose I have written enough for one day.....................Even though I could go on and on and on about how this relationship has turned more into a room mate situation...but I won't. I've said enough for now.
Oh by the way, I might be watching a friends baby for a couple days... :) I'm finally okay to that, GO ME! I played with Heather's baby yesterday...Such a cute little chubber bubber!! :D We played Peek-a-boo lol, I think I had more fun than he did.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
gah!!!!
I don't know if it's this new medication they put me on, or if it's starting to actually hit me...
Yesterday started off badly and ended badly, all around a horrible dreadful day. I woke up, got on the computer for about 30 minutes or so and then shut it down. I was too sick to even be on the computer, that's when you know something is wrong. I only smoked MAYBE 5 or 6 cigarettes yesterday also...usually it's a 1/2 a pack to a pack a day...again another clue that I was pretty sick.
My stomach was really messed up all day, don't worry I won't go into the disgusting details, enough was said with that line. All I know is that it was my turn to do dishes and I got pissed off because no one offered to do them for me since I was so sick, and when I asked Cyara to put the food away she threw a fit and wouldn't do it...I then went into the bathroom and started crying... WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?
I cried over dishes??? Looking at that situation today, I have no clue what the hell I was crying for...dishes? because she didn't put the food away? because I was sick? Someone please explain!!
Then I proceeded to sit in the living room and watch Hells Kitchen with mom, after I did the dishes...mom offered by the way, after I started lol. I wasn't mad at her though. Anyway, after Hells Kitchen I went to my room excited to watch Glee, which was a horrible idea, I just didn't know it yet.
Now I don't know if any of you watch Glee, but in that show there is a pregnant girl...she was 8 months pregnant. Before the show was even on for 30 minutes she was rushed to the hospital because she was having her baby. During the time she was giving birth they were flashing back and forth between her and one of the other show choirs singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and I was bawling!!!!!!! That's not the worst part though. All of a sudden the nurse said to the girl, 'The baby is crowning' and OH MY GOD! I started sobbing!!!!!! I couldn't even see, every time I wiped my face more were splashing down, I couldn't keep up.
Now again, I don't know if it's that new medication or if it's starting to finally hit me since his due date is coming up...July 3rd. Either way, I don't like it! I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel what I felt last night. I've enjoyed the 'numb' feeling, if that's what you call it. I enjoyed not crying and staying pissed off. I think my doctor did this on purpose. What does crying get me?? It doesn't bring him back, so why can't I continue to stay pissed off? It's a much easier emotion.
If I cry one more time about something stupid or even about Elijah I'm going to stop taking these stupid pills. Anti-depressants have a tendency to make people depressed or more depressed...I won't put up with this. I don't want or need to cry, I'm dealing just fine the way I am. If I start crying I'm afraid it won't ever stop. GaH!!!!! I hate this! I hate feeling sad and depressed and empty.
I feel like if I continue to write it will just be me repeating the same stuff I have said over and over again...So I am going to end this blog before I annoy everyone who reads it.
I am going to end with this, 3 years is way to damn long for me to wait for another baby!!! I'll end up turning into the biggest bitch in the Midwest...you just wait and see.
Yesterday started off badly and ended badly, all around a horrible dreadful day. I woke up, got on the computer for about 30 minutes or so and then shut it down. I was too sick to even be on the computer, that's when you know something is wrong. I only smoked MAYBE 5 or 6 cigarettes yesterday also...usually it's a 1/2 a pack to a pack a day...again another clue that I was pretty sick.
My stomach was really messed up all day, don't worry I won't go into the disgusting details, enough was said with that line. All I know is that it was my turn to do dishes and I got pissed off because no one offered to do them for me since I was so sick, and when I asked Cyara to put the food away she threw a fit and wouldn't do it...I then went into the bathroom and started crying... WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?
I cried over dishes??? Looking at that situation today, I have no clue what the hell I was crying for...dishes? because she didn't put the food away? because I was sick? Someone please explain!!
Then I proceeded to sit in the living room and watch Hells Kitchen with mom, after I did the dishes...mom offered by the way, after I started lol. I wasn't mad at her though. Anyway, after Hells Kitchen I went to my room excited to watch Glee, which was a horrible idea, I just didn't know it yet.
Now I don't know if any of you watch Glee, but in that show there is a pregnant girl...she was 8 months pregnant. Before the show was even on for 30 minutes she was rushed to the hospital because she was having her baby. During the time she was giving birth they were flashing back and forth between her and one of the other show choirs singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and I was bawling!!!!!!! That's not the worst part though. All of a sudden the nurse said to the girl, 'The baby is crowning' and OH MY GOD! I started sobbing!!!!!! I couldn't even see, every time I wiped my face more were splashing down, I couldn't keep up.
Now again, I don't know if it's that new medication or if it's starting to finally hit me since his due date is coming up...July 3rd. Either way, I don't like it! I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel what I felt last night. I've enjoyed the 'numb' feeling, if that's what you call it. I enjoyed not crying and staying pissed off. I think my doctor did this on purpose. What does crying get me?? It doesn't bring him back, so why can't I continue to stay pissed off? It's a much easier emotion.
If I cry one more time about something stupid or even about Elijah I'm going to stop taking these stupid pills. Anti-depressants have a tendency to make people depressed or more depressed...I won't put up with this. I don't want or need to cry, I'm dealing just fine the way I am. If I start crying I'm afraid it won't ever stop. GaH!!!!! I hate this! I hate feeling sad and depressed and empty.
I feel like if I continue to write it will just be me repeating the same stuff I have said over and over again...So I am going to end this blog before I annoy everyone who reads it.
I am going to end with this, 3 years is way to damn long for me to wait for another baby!!! I'll end up turning into the biggest bitch in the Midwest...you just wait and see.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
PISSED OFF
Kristine's graduation is tomorrow...
I don't know if I have told you that one of Kristine's friends got pregnant soon after I did. At 16 weeks she started bleeding A LOT to the point that everyone thought she lost the baby...The baby was fine, it was a threatened miscarriage... Well anyway, for some reason it is extremely hard for me to be around her...I'm jealous, I'm angry, I'm wondering why her baby made it but mine didn't...I can't look at her pictures, I can't talk to her... And she will be at Kristine's graduation.
I had all intentions on trying to suck it up and keep the agonizing pain to myself. I wasn't going to say a word on how awful it felt knowing I was going to have to see her. Not because I'm mad at her, I'm just upset...I'm jealous, she has the one and only thing I want...while it has been taken from me twice. I was going to sit there and put on a fake smile and deal with it all... and then Kristine made a comment almost a half hour ago saying that her and her mother will be sitting by us. It was my fault I suppose that this started an argument, because I took my hand and made a gun shape and put it to my head...apparently no one liked that.
My mom started yelling at me saying that tomorrow is Kristine's day and that I need to suck it up for one day...which, as I stated above, I had all intentions on doing!!!! Kristine and my mom kept saying shit that made me feel awful...Like I'm this huge bitch because it's hard for me to be around her...Without saying the words they made me feel like I should be over this by now...even though that was probably not their intention, that is how I feel now. I feel like a whinny little bitch!!!
I hate this! I hate that they don't understand what it's like. I hate that they don't know why I feel and act the way I do now. Greg doesn't even understand...I'm not crazy, I'm not depressed, I'm fucking pissed the fuck off!!! And when I have people making me feel guilty for my emotions and how I look and feel about certain situations it doesn't make it any better!!
I never said I was angry with Nikki, I never said I wanted any harm to come to her or her baby, I never said anything negative about her...all I said was it is going to be hard for me...BUT OH NO, that is not acceptable. I am not aloud to have any emotion tomorrow unless it pertains to Kristine. Even if I was to keep the hurt and anger to myself, I would still get bitched at.
It is Kristine's day, I understand that and I respect that. That is why I was going to keep my mouth shut, and shut down...That way I wouldn't cry and be upset until after it was all over. And they keep making me feel like shit. Like I am going to ruin Kristine's graduation because of my sad little depressing life. Like I am going to cry and complain and be a bitch because I'm hurting, instead of trying to make this day great for Kristine...It's bullshit! Give me some fucking credit!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this day, I hate this week, I hate this month! There has been absolutely NO good that has come out of this year so far...only pain and agony. And I don't even have anyone to share this pain with...Greg doesn't talk about his feelings with me, so I am not going to talk to him about mine. Kristine seems to think that I need to get over it already, she's said it before. And Mom just says nothing...She used to be the one I would go to, but now I have no one...No one gets it, no one understands what it's like to have your life ripped away from you in the blink of an eye... No one understands how it feels to be left with this gaping whole in your chest, not sure if it will ever again be whole...No one in this house understands what it's like to have your son, that you have carried and grown to love, taken away...to feel the emptiness in your stomach...in your heart.
I am not a whinny baby...I am not a bitch! I have valid reasons for being sad and pissed off. I have valid reasons for being upset when I see Nikki...I have valid reasons for everything I do...I lost another son, why does no one understand that!
I will keep my mouth shut! I won't say a word to anyone any more about how I feel...I just get bitched at when I do. I will keep my feelings bottled up, and I will come and talk here...This is the only place I don't get bitched at or made to feel like shit!
I have nothing else...Another child was taken from me...it takes time for that to heal. Get that through your heads everyone out there that thinks I should have gotten over it!!!!!!
I don't know if I have told you that one of Kristine's friends got pregnant soon after I did. At 16 weeks she started bleeding A LOT to the point that everyone thought she lost the baby...The baby was fine, it was a threatened miscarriage... Well anyway, for some reason it is extremely hard for me to be around her...I'm jealous, I'm angry, I'm wondering why her baby made it but mine didn't...I can't look at her pictures, I can't talk to her... And she will be at Kristine's graduation.
I had all intentions on trying to suck it up and keep the agonizing pain to myself. I wasn't going to say a word on how awful it felt knowing I was going to have to see her. Not because I'm mad at her, I'm just upset...I'm jealous, she has the one and only thing I want...while it has been taken from me twice. I was going to sit there and put on a fake smile and deal with it all... and then Kristine made a comment almost a half hour ago saying that her and her mother will be sitting by us. It was my fault I suppose that this started an argument, because I took my hand and made a gun shape and put it to my head...apparently no one liked that.
My mom started yelling at me saying that tomorrow is Kristine's day and that I need to suck it up for one day...which, as I stated above, I had all intentions on doing!!!! Kristine and my mom kept saying shit that made me feel awful...Like I'm this huge bitch because it's hard for me to be around her...Without saying the words they made me feel like I should be over this by now...even though that was probably not their intention, that is how I feel now. I feel like a whinny little bitch!!!
I hate this! I hate that they don't understand what it's like. I hate that they don't know why I feel and act the way I do now. Greg doesn't even understand...I'm not crazy, I'm not depressed, I'm fucking pissed the fuck off!!! And when I have people making me feel guilty for my emotions and how I look and feel about certain situations it doesn't make it any better!!
I never said I was angry with Nikki, I never said I wanted any harm to come to her or her baby, I never said anything negative about her...all I said was it is going to be hard for me...BUT OH NO, that is not acceptable. I am not aloud to have any emotion tomorrow unless it pertains to Kristine. Even if I was to keep the hurt and anger to myself, I would still get bitched at.
It is Kristine's day, I understand that and I respect that. That is why I was going to keep my mouth shut, and shut down...That way I wouldn't cry and be upset until after it was all over. And they keep making me feel like shit. Like I am going to ruin Kristine's graduation because of my sad little depressing life. Like I am going to cry and complain and be a bitch because I'm hurting, instead of trying to make this day great for Kristine...It's bullshit! Give me some fucking credit!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this day, I hate this week, I hate this month! There has been absolutely NO good that has come out of this year so far...only pain and agony. And I don't even have anyone to share this pain with...Greg doesn't talk about his feelings with me, so I am not going to talk to him about mine. Kristine seems to think that I need to get over it already, she's said it before. And Mom just says nothing...She used to be the one I would go to, but now I have no one...No one gets it, no one understands what it's like to have your life ripped away from you in the blink of an eye... No one understands how it feels to be left with this gaping whole in your chest, not sure if it will ever again be whole...No one in this house understands what it's like to have your son, that you have carried and grown to love, taken away...to feel the emptiness in your stomach...in your heart.
I am not a whinny baby...I am not a bitch! I have valid reasons for being sad and pissed off. I have valid reasons for being upset when I see Nikki...I have valid reasons for everything I do...I lost another son, why does no one understand that!
I will keep my mouth shut! I won't say a word to anyone any more about how I feel...I just get bitched at when I do. I will keep my feelings bottled up, and I will come and talk here...This is the only place I don't get bitched at or made to feel like shit!
I have nothing else...Another child was taken from me...it takes time for that to heal. Get that through your heads everyone out there that thinks I should have gotten over it!!!!!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Nothing in Particular
Well I had my doctors appointment yesterday. I went in at 9 and didn't get out of the building until a little after 12. I was forced to talk to the councilor there, because they thought I was going through Post Pardom Depression, or whatever it is called. So I talked to her for awhile and she made me feel like I was dumb. It came up about my "phobias" because I do have a lot of them, one being me not having children, another of clowns, and another of driving...just to name a few.
Anyway after talking to her, I was prescribed some kind of anti anxiety/depressant pill...it's ridiculous. I'm not depressed, I am pissed off!! I am angry, all the time, not sad! But whatever...
My doctor is sending me to a specialist for my lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever the hell it is that I have. He has given me lyrica that I will get in the mail in a few weeks to take, hopefully it helps with the pain. Because my Tramadol and flexerall aren't helping very much anymore... It sucks!
I feel really strange today, like I'm not mad, or angry, or happy, or really feeling any emotion. It's not because of the pills lol they don't work that fast. I just feel...weird. I don't know, it's probably not important.
I watched 'Jumping Jack Flash' this morning, I love that movie. I am now watching 'The Perfect Man' because there isn't anything on T.V.
Anyway, I'm gonna jet, and go play some pogo or something. Maybe double up on my meds so I can get some relief from this stupid pain...
Happy Blogging!!!
Anyway after talking to her, I was prescribed some kind of anti anxiety/depressant pill...it's ridiculous. I'm not depressed, I am pissed off!! I am angry, all the time, not sad! But whatever...
My doctor is sending me to a specialist for my lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever the hell it is that I have. He has given me lyrica that I will get in the mail in a few weeks to take, hopefully it helps with the pain. Because my Tramadol and flexerall aren't helping very much anymore... It sucks!
I feel really strange today, like I'm not mad, or angry, or happy, or really feeling any emotion. It's not because of the pills lol they don't work that fast. I just feel...weird. I don't know, it's probably not important.
I watched 'Jumping Jack Flash' this morning, I love that movie. I am now watching 'The Perfect Man' because there isn't anything on T.V.
Anyway, I'm gonna jet, and go play some pogo or something. Maybe double up on my meds so I can get some relief from this stupid pain...
Happy Blogging!!!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Celebrate...
I just wrote a letter to Joe and it made me realize something. While it is devastating to me that Adrian and Elijah are gone. They both have changed my life so dramatically there's really no way to explain it.
Adrian was my first and he made me grow from a child to a young adult. He showed me that I needed to grow up, I needed to face reality and I could not hide from it. He gave me the strength to leave Julian, I truly believe that. If Adrian never came along, I believe that I would still be sitting here going through all the crap Julian put me through for years and years. And Julian and I would not be friends at the end of our relationship like we are now, because I would have grown to hate him!
Elijah was with me for six months. He grew inside of me, and with him I grew also. He showed me that no matter how perfect things may seem, there is always an end to it. There will always be something that goes wrong. He showed me that life is short, it is over in an instant. Like I said to Joe, there are no goodbyes, no warning, no closure. In the end everyone dies, and with death you lose a large piece of yourself...When Elijah died I lost my sanity, I lost my love, my faith, my playfulness. I lost just about everything. I didn't think I would get through it.
I put on a happy face and pretended that I was handling everything fine, but behind closed doors, in the shower, or when I pretended to go to the bathroom, I would break down. This has been very difficult for me because I thought I would be having a beautiful baby boy to raise. I've cried and cried so many times I've lost count. And while I know that crying for both my sons will never stop, I can look at the bigger picture now. Elijah opened me up to a world that I had blocked off. He opened my eyes to see that you mustn't take any moment for granted. You have to tell people how you feel the minute you feel it.
Congratulate people for their accomplishments no matter how small they seem to you. Hug one another, kiss one another, don't let a second pass where you don't express some kind of emotion.
Don't feel sorry for yourself in upsetting situations, like I have. I let myself get down, I blamed myself even when I knew nothing could be done. I wallowed in self pity, I hated God, I hated everyone around me. I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. I love my boys more than anyone in this entire world. And the thing that keeps me going is that I will see them again one day and when I do I want them to be proud of me. I want them to know that Mommy tried her hardest to make a good life for herself, and that their lives were celebrated more than they were mourned.
I believe that is what everyone that passes wants us to do. Celebrate them, you can cry, and be angry and hurt, but don't let it consume you. Because once it does, you may not be able to find your way back to YOU. Celebrate the lives of our lost ones, celebrate the fact that they are no longer in pain...Celebrate that fact that we were lucky enough to love them and have them love us in return.
I will always be sad, I will always be hurt, and I will never be whole. But I also will never forget them, and I will always hold them in my heart. And because of that, I feel that I can move on. They've given me the strength to move on, go wake up and do something with my life. They've loved me and that is all that matters. For the short while that Adrian and Elijah were here, they loved me. I want to make them proud, and I won't let them down.
So to all of you who have lost someone you love, remember these words. Celebrate their lives, don't mourn their death.
Adrian was my first and he made me grow from a child to a young adult. He showed me that I needed to grow up, I needed to face reality and I could not hide from it. He gave me the strength to leave Julian, I truly believe that. If Adrian never came along, I believe that I would still be sitting here going through all the crap Julian put me through for years and years. And Julian and I would not be friends at the end of our relationship like we are now, because I would have grown to hate him!
Elijah was with me for six months. He grew inside of me, and with him I grew also. He showed me that no matter how perfect things may seem, there is always an end to it. There will always be something that goes wrong. He showed me that life is short, it is over in an instant. Like I said to Joe, there are no goodbyes, no warning, no closure. In the end everyone dies, and with death you lose a large piece of yourself...When Elijah died I lost my sanity, I lost my love, my faith, my playfulness. I lost just about everything. I didn't think I would get through it.
I put on a happy face and pretended that I was handling everything fine, but behind closed doors, in the shower, or when I pretended to go to the bathroom, I would break down. This has been very difficult for me because I thought I would be having a beautiful baby boy to raise. I've cried and cried so many times I've lost count. And while I know that crying for both my sons will never stop, I can look at the bigger picture now. Elijah opened me up to a world that I had blocked off. He opened my eyes to see that you mustn't take any moment for granted. You have to tell people how you feel the minute you feel it.
Congratulate people for their accomplishments no matter how small they seem to you. Hug one another, kiss one another, don't let a second pass where you don't express some kind of emotion.
Don't feel sorry for yourself in upsetting situations, like I have. I let myself get down, I blamed myself even when I knew nothing could be done. I wallowed in self pity, I hated God, I hated everyone around me. I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. I love my boys more than anyone in this entire world. And the thing that keeps me going is that I will see them again one day and when I do I want them to be proud of me. I want them to know that Mommy tried her hardest to make a good life for herself, and that their lives were celebrated more than they were mourned.
I believe that is what everyone that passes wants us to do. Celebrate them, you can cry, and be angry and hurt, but don't let it consume you. Because once it does, you may not be able to find your way back to YOU. Celebrate the lives of our lost ones, celebrate the fact that they are no longer in pain...Celebrate that fact that we were lucky enough to love them and have them love us in return.
I will always be sad, I will always be hurt, and I will never be whole. But I also will never forget them, and I will always hold them in my heart. And because of that, I feel that I can move on. They've given me the strength to move on, go wake up and do something with my life. They've loved me and that is all that matters. For the short while that Adrian and Elijah were here, they loved me. I want to make them proud, and I won't let them down.
So to all of you who have lost someone you love, remember these words. Celebrate their lives, don't mourn their death.
A poem for my boys
I love my unborn children,
That God took away from me.
I asked him why he did it,
and he replied "You see,
I did it for the ones you love,
the two that are now watching from above."
But why did you take my boys,
I do not understand.
"I did not take them from you dear,
They never left your side.
You'll see them once again, my dear.
At heavens gates they'll cry,
'I love you Mommy, welcome home.' and whisper in your ear,
'I missed you Mommy, where have you been?
We've been waiting here for years.'
You'll walk to them both standing there,
tears filling all your eyes.
You'll grab your boys and cry in joy,
There will never be another goodbye.
You'll kiss your kids upon the cheek
and grab their tiny hands.
You'll never have to cry again,
You've come to the promise land."
This morning started off badly, I had barely any coffee left in the pot, my coffee cup was dirty because someone used it, there was garbage on the kitchen floor because the dogs got into it and I forgot to do the dishes last night so the kitchen was a mess. And then for some reason I got a sudden rush of sadness and wanted to write something for the babies. So I wrote that poem.
It's nothing special, but it's from my heart. It's what I think will happen when I finally get to see them again. Both my beautiful boys hugging me and talking to me. I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I don't know why but I feel a little better right now after writing that poem. Like those words really did come from God...I know it sounds strange, but I believe those were his words. Like he was telling me that I WILL see them again.
I haven't been angry with him for awhile, but I have still questioned him. And now, I know there are no answers for why he took Adrian and Elijah from me. It's just something that was meant to be. I know one day I'll have a child that will make it, but they will never take the place of the two before them. And I'll tell my child of their two brothers that passed away.
I don't really have much else to say at the moment. I'm still in rhyming mode in my head so I think I might write some more. But until I write again, think happy thoughts and don't take anything for granted.
That God took away from me.
I asked him why he did it,
and he replied "You see,
I did it for the ones you love,
the two that are now watching from above."
But why did you take my boys,
I do not understand.
"I did not take them from you dear,
They never left your side.
You'll see them once again, my dear.
At heavens gates they'll cry,
'I love you Mommy, welcome home.' and whisper in your ear,
'I missed you Mommy, where have you been?
We've been waiting here for years.'
You'll walk to them both standing there,
tears filling all your eyes.
You'll grab your boys and cry in joy,
There will never be another goodbye.
You'll kiss your kids upon the cheek
and grab their tiny hands.
You'll never have to cry again,
You've come to the promise land."
This morning started off badly, I had barely any coffee left in the pot, my coffee cup was dirty because someone used it, there was garbage on the kitchen floor because the dogs got into it and I forgot to do the dishes last night so the kitchen was a mess. And then for some reason I got a sudden rush of sadness and wanted to write something for the babies. So I wrote that poem.
It's nothing special, but it's from my heart. It's what I think will happen when I finally get to see them again. Both my beautiful boys hugging me and talking to me. I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I don't know why but I feel a little better right now after writing that poem. Like those words really did come from God...I know it sounds strange, but I believe those were his words. Like he was telling me that I WILL see them again.
I haven't been angry with him for awhile, but I have still questioned him. And now, I know there are no answers for why he took Adrian and Elijah from me. It's just something that was meant to be. I know one day I'll have a child that will make it, but they will never take the place of the two before them. And I'll tell my child of their two brothers that passed away.
I don't really have much else to say at the moment. I'm still in rhyming mode in my head so I think I might write some more. But until I write again, think happy thoughts and don't take anything for granted.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Results are In......
The doctor called me last night a little after 9 pm. She starts the conversation with, "well I've gone over your chart over and over again and I think I've found the problem." So in turn I responded, "Okay..."
"Remember when you said you had Lupus but I couldn't find it anywhere in your charts where there was a positive result."
"Yes."
"Okay, well I found it. However, I don't think it's Lupus you have. The test result that came back on that test your other doctor ran showed some kind of disease, it could of been mistaken for Fibromyalgia, Lupus, or anything like that. The reason we did not get a positive test result back when we ran those tests was because when you have a disease like that," (of the muscles or bones)"it can go into remission and then reappear."
"Okay..."
"And on the placenta report, all it came back saying was that there was an infection of the placenta as well as one blood clot. However, we are not sure if the blood clot came before or after your baby died and the infection might be caused by the fluid in the sack. But I feel that the first baby you lost and this are connected in some way with whatever disease you have. I think they all go hand in hand. I don't see why you can't still get pregnant when you are emotionally ready, but you need to get into a specialist as soon as you find out you're pregnant and you should be fine."
"So both loses are because of whatever is wrong with me?"
"I'm not sure, I just know lightening doesn't strike unless there is a reason, and this being your second loss I do think it has something to do with it. But as long as you get into a specialist I think you should have a successful pregnancy next time. But I do know, this is not your fault."
"So in other words my body just hates me?" *chuckles*
*laughs* "It seems your body doesn't like you very much." *laughs*
"Okay, well this sucks. I'm just saying."
"I know I wish I had more answers for you."
"So I have some disease that is commonly mistaken for lupus and all of that but no one knows what it is and no one knows anything really about why I lost Elijah."
"Right. I'm sorry I don't have the answers you need. They looked over and over that placenta, and this is all that came back. And like I said I rechecked your records and that is when I saw the test results for the 'disease' they thought was lupus."
"Okay...Well thank you very much for calling."
"You're welcome. I'm sorry again. Just remember, the second you get pregnant get into a doctor so they can refer you to a specialist. If you came to me I'd probably put you on blood thinners but you should go to a specialist next time. Okay?"
"Okay, thanks again."
"Alright, your records will be copied and waiting for you to pick up. Bye Nicole."
"Bye."
So that is a rough play back of my conversation with the doctor last night. They really have nothing on the placenta and apparently have no clue why I'm in pain all the time and what the hell is wrong with me. I liked it better when I thought I had lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever. At least I knew something. Now I know I have something like that but nothing to tell me exactly what it is.
I am at a loss for words, really. Which doesn't happen often. I mean it's not the doctors fault, by the way this is the doctor and nurse that I like. It's not my fault...it's my body's fault and whatever disease I have inside of me.
At this point it's not just about having a baby anymore, I mean we all know I want and NEED a child. But this is more than that. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to know if whatever disease it is that I have will cause me to one day be in a wheel chair, and if so, I'd like to be prepared for that. I'd like to know if my joints are going to lock up, or my bones will be so brittle they break for no reason...or that my muscles are going to deteriorate so bad that I won't be able to stand the pain! I want some answers!! Is that too much to ask?
I don't have the money to get actual insurance, I don't have the money to go to a 'specialist' for this kind of thing. I can't afford to have something like this wrong with me, I can't afford the answers that I need... My doctor, my original personal doctor, is a good man, and his office takes people without insurance but they only cover so much. They don't cover MRIs or Catscans or X-rays. Let alone anything I might need to get done to know what is going on with me... And if I wait to find it all out after I get pregnant next time, maybe there won't be enough information for them to take care of me and the baby. So I have to do all of this before I get pregnant. Which means, I can't have a baby for a very long time...
I expected the to say I couldn't have children because my womb was weak or my uterus was messed up...not to tell me I could have children but I have some sort of weird disease that they don't even know what it is. What the hell is that about!? I'm frustrated, I'm furious, I'm confused, and I'm wondering why in the hell couldn't I be one of the lucky women? Why couldn't I be healthy, and have a successful first and second and third and so on pregnancy. Why does something have to be wrong with me all the time? Why do I have to be in pain every day of my life? Why does it have to hurt just to stand up or sit down?
I'm a good person, it's not fair! I don't deserve this, and neither does Greg or anyone in my family. What if I do end up in a wheel chair or something? They will have to push me around everywhere, they will have to take care of me!? How could I have a child if that's the case? I wouldn't be able to hold my child or play with them...I don't know, I realize I'm getting ahead of myself. But put yourself in my position, what if you were told you have something but they have no clue what it is...I'm sure you'd act the same way.
You know I went to the doctor when I was 11 yrs old, maybe 12, to figure out what was wrong with me...they said it was growing pains. If they actually ran tests or whatever maybe they could have figured something out sooner, and maybe I'd have both my boys right now. I'm not blaming anyone, and I know doing the "what if" thing is never a good idea, but it just makes me wonder. I've been in pain since 11 yrs old, and no one took it serious. "It's just growing pains." That's what I always heard. At least now there is medical proof that something is wrong with me, so if anyone doubted me or thought I was over exaggerating, I guess they are proven wrong now. Even though I wish I was the one proven wrong in this situation.
My body hates me...My body is angry and broken. And yet here I am still thinking about having a baby...I won't be that selfish. I won't have a child unless I know I will be around to watch it grow up and get married and have children of their own. I won't have a child unless I know I can hold them and tuck them into bed and go up the stairs to comfort them when they have a bad dream. I will not be selfish with this! I want this too much but if it comes down to it and I have to settle with no children because of whatever is wrong with me, I'll do it...This is not a situation to be selfish with.
I think I'm done. I have to go take something because my back hurts, again!...
That's all...
"Remember when you said you had Lupus but I couldn't find it anywhere in your charts where there was a positive result."
"Yes."
"Okay, well I found it. However, I don't think it's Lupus you have. The test result that came back on that test your other doctor ran showed some kind of disease, it could of been mistaken for Fibromyalgia, Lupus, or anything like that. The reason we did not get a positive test result back when we ran those tests was because when you have a disease like that," (of the muscles or bones)"it can go into remission and then reappear."
"Okay..."
"And on the placenta report, all it came back saying was that there was an infection of the placenta as well as one blood clot. However, we are not sure if the blood clot came before or after your baby died and the infection might be caused by the fluid in the sack. But I feel that the first baby you lost and this are connected in some way with whatever disease you have. I think they all go hand in hand. I don't see why you can't still get pregnant when you are emotionally ready, but you need to get into a specialist as soon as you find out you're pregnant and you should be fine."
"So both loses are because of whatever is wrong with me?"
"I'm not sure, I just know lightening doesn't strike unless there is a reason, and this being your second loss I do think it has something to do with it. But as long as you get into a specialist I think you should have a successful pregnancy next time. But I do know, this is not your fault."
"So in other words my body just hates me?" *chuckles*
*laughs* "It seems your body doesn't like you very much." *laughs*
"Okay, well this sucks. I'm just saying."
"I know I wish I had more answers for you."
"So I have some disease that is commonly mistaken for lupus and all of that but no one knows what it is and no one knows anything really about why I lost Elijah."
"Right. I'm sorry I don't have the answers you need. They looked over and over that placenta, and this is all that came back. And like I said I rechecked your records and that is when I saw the test results for the 'disease' they thought was lupus."
"Okay...Well thank you very much for calling."
"You're welcome. I'm sorry again. Just remember, the second you get pregnant get into a doctor so they can refer you to a specialist. If you came to me I'd probably put you on blood thinners but you should go to a specialist next time. Okay?"
"Okay, thanks again."
"Alright, your records will be copied and waiting for you to pick up. Bye Nicole."
"Bye."
So that is a rough play back of my conversation with the doctor last night. They really have nothing on the placenta and apparently have no clue why I'm in pain all the time and what the hell is wrong with me. I liked it better when I thought I had lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever. At least I knew something. Now I know I have something like that but nothing to tell me exactly what it is.
I am at a loss for words, really. Which doesn't happen often. I mean it's not the doctors fault, by the way this is the doctor and nurse that I like. It's not my fault...it's my body's fault and whatever disease I have inside of me.
At this point it's not just about having a baby anymore, I mean we all know I want and NEED a child. But this is more than that. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to know if whatever disease it is that I have will cause me to one day be in a wheel chair, and if so, I'd like to be prepared for that. I'd like to know if my joints are going to lock up, or my bones will be so brittle they break for no reason...or that my muscles are going to deteriorate so bad that I won't be able to stand the pain! I want some answers!! Is that too much to ask?
I don't have the money to get actual insurance, I don't have the money to go to a 'specialist' for this kind of thing. I can't afford to have something like this wrong with me, I can't afford the answers that I need... My doctor, my original personal doctor, is a good man, and his office takes people without insurance but they only cover so much. They don't cover MRIs or Catscans or X-rays. Let alone anything I might need to get done to know what is going on with me... And if I wait to find it all out after I get pregnant next time, maybe there won't be enough information for them to take care of me and the baby. So I have to do all of this before I get pregnant. Which means, I can't have a baby for a very long time...
I expected the to say I couldn't have children because my womb was weak or my uterus was messed up...not to tell me I could have children but I have some sort of weird disease that they don't even know what it is. What the hell is that about!? I'm frustrated, I'm furious, I'm confused, and I'm wondering why in the hell couldn't I be one of the lucky women? Why couldn't I be healthy, and have a successful first and second and third and so on pregnancy. Why does something have to be wrong with me all the time? Why do I have to be in pain every day of my life? Why does it have to hurt just to stand up or sit down?
I'm a good person, it's not fair! I don't deserve this, and neither does Greg or anyone in my family. What if I do end up in a wheel chair or something? They will have to push me around everywhere, they will have to take care of me!? How could I have a child if that's the case? I wouldn't be able to hold my child or play with them...I don't know, I realize I'm getting ahead of myself. But put yourself in my position, what if you were told you have something but they have no clue what it is...I'm sure you'd act the same way.
You know I went to the doctor when I was 11 yrs old, maybe 12, to figure out what was wrong with me...they said it was growing pains. If they actually ran tests or whatever maybe they could have figured something out sooner, and maybe I'd have both my boys right now. I'm not blaming anyone, and I know doing the "what if" thing is never a good idea, but it just makes me wonder. I've been in pain since 11 yrs old, and no one took it serious. "It's just growing pains." That's what I always heard. At least now there is medical proof that something is wrong with me, so if anyone doubted me or thought I was over exaggerating, I guess they are proven wrong now. Even though I wish I was the one proven wrong in this situation.
My body hates me...My body is angry and broken. And yet here I am still thinking about having a baby...I won't be that selfish. I won't have a child unless I know I will be around to watch it grow up and get married and have children of their own. I won't have a child unless I know I can hold them and tuck them into bed and go up the stairs to comfort them when they have a bad dream. I will not be selfish with this! I want this too much but if it comes down to it and I have to settle with no children because of whatever is wrong with me, I'll do it...This is not a situation to be selfish with.
I think I'm done. I have to go take something because my back hurts, again!...
That's all...
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