PISSED OFF

Kristine's graduation is tomorrow...

I don't know if I have told you that one of Kristine's friends got pregnant soon after I did. At 16 weeks she started bleeding A LOT to the point that everyone thought she lost the baby...The baby was fine, it was a threatened miscarriage... Well anyway, for some reason it is extremely hard for me to be around her...I'm jealous, I'm angry, I'm wondering why her baby made it but mine didn't...I can't look at her pictures, I can't talk to her... And she will be at Kristine's graduation.

I had all intentions on trying to suck it up and keep the agonizing pain to myself. I wasn't going to say a word on how awful it felt knowing I was going to have to see her. Not because I'm mad at her, I'm just upset...I'm jealous, she has the one and only thing I want...while it has been taken from me twice. I was going to sit there and put on a fake smile and deal with it all... and then Kristine made a comment almost a half hour ago saying that her and her mother will be sitting by us. It was my fault I suppose that this started an argument, because I took my hand and made a gun shape and put it to my head...apparently no one liked that.

My mom started yelling at me saying that tomorrow is Kristine's day and that I need to suck it up for one day...which, as I stated above, I had all intentions on doing!!!! Kristine and my mom kept saying shit that made me feel awful...Like I'm this huge bitch because it's hard for me to be around her...Without saying the words they made me feel like I should be over this by now...even though that was probably not their intention, that is how I feel now. I feel like a whinny little bitch!!!

I hate this! I hate that they don't understand what it's like. I hate that they don't know why I feel and act the way I do now. Greg doesn't even understand...I'm not crazy, I'm not depressed, I'm fucking pissed the fuck off!!! And when I have people making me feel guilty for my emotions and how I look and feel about certain situations it doesn't make it any better!!

I never said I was angry with Nikki, I never said I wanted any harm to come to her or her baby, I never said anything negative about her...all I said was it is going to be hard for me...BUT OH NO, that is not acceptable. I am not aloud to have any emotion tomorrow unless it pertains to Kristine. Even if I was to keep the hurt and anger to myself, I would still get bitched at.

It is Kristine's day, I understand that and I respect that. That is why I was going to keep my mouth shut, and shut down...That way I wouldn't cry and be upset until after it was all over. And they keep making me feel like shit. Like I am going to ruin Kristine's graduation because of my sad little depressing life. Like I am going to cry and complain and be a bitch because I'm hurting, instead of trying to make this day great for Kristine...It's bullshit! Give me some fucking credit!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this day, I hate this week, I hate this month! There has been absolutely NO good that has come out of this year so far...only pain and agony. And I don't even have anyone to share this pain with...Greg doesn't talk about his feelings with me, so I am not going to talk to him about mine. Kristine seems to think that I need to get over it already, she's said it before. And Mom just says nothing...She used to be the one I would go to, but now I have no one...No one gets it, no one understands what it's like to have your life ripped away from you in the blink of an eye... No one understands how it feels to be left with this gaping whole in your chest, not sure if it will ever again be whole...No one in this house understands what it's like to have your son, that you have carried and grown to love, taken away...to feel the emptiness in your stomach...in your heart.

I am not a whinny baby...I am not a bitch! I have valid reasons for being sad and pissed off. I have valid reasons for being upset when I see Nikki...I have valid reasons for everything I do...I lost another son, why does no one understand that!

I will keep my mouth shut! I won't say a word to anyone any more about how I feel...I just get bitched at when I do. I will keep my feelings bottled up, and I will come and talk here...This is the only place I don't get bitched at or made to feel like shit!

I have nothing else...Another child was taken from me...it takes time for that to heal. Get that through your heads everyone out there that thinks I should have gotten over it!!!!!!