Results are In......

The doctor called me last night a little after 9 pm. She starts the conversation with, "well I've gone over your chart over and over again and I think I've found the problem." So in turn I responded, "Okay..."

"Remember when you said you had Lupus but I couldn't find it anywhere in your charts where there was a positive result."

"Yes."

"Okay, well I found it. However, I don't think it's Lupus you have. The test result that came back on that test your other doctor ran showed some kind of disease, it could of been mistaken for Fibromyalgia, Lupus, or anything like that. The reason we did not get a positive test result back when we ran those tests was because when you have a disease like that," (of the muscles or bones)"it can go into remission and then reappear."

"Okay..."

"And on the placenta report, all it came back saying was that there was an infection of the placenta as well as one blood clot. However, we are not sure if the blood clot came before or after your baby died and the infection might be caused by the fluid in the sack. But I feel that the first baby you lost and this are connected in some way with whatever disease you have. I think they all go hand in hand. I don't see why you can't still get pregnant when you are emotionally ready, but you need to get into a specialist as soon as you find out you're pregnant and you should be fine."

"So both loses are because of whatever is wrong with me?"

"I'm not sure, I just know lightening doesn't strike unless there is a reason, and this being your second loss I do think it has something to do with it. But as long as you get into a specialist I think you should have a successful pregnancy next time. But I do know, this is not your fault."

"So in other words my body just hates me?" *chuckles*

*laughs* "It seems your body doesn't like you very much." *laughs*

"Okay, well this sucks. I'm just saying."

"I know I wish I had more answers for you."

"So I have some disease that is commonly mistaken for lupus and all of that but no one knows what it is and no one knows anything really about why I lost Elijah."

"Right. I'm sorry I don't have the answers you need. They looked over and over that placenta, and this is all that came back. And like I said I rechecked your records and that is when I saw the test results for the 'disease' they thought was lupus."

"Okay...Well thank you very much for calling."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry again. Just remember, the second you get pregnant get into a doctor so they can refer you to a specialist. If you came to me I'd probably put you on blood thinners but you should go to a specialist next time. Okay?"

"Okay, thanks again."

"Alright, your records will be copied and waiting for you to pick up. Bye Nicole."

"Bye."

So that is a rough play back of my conversation with the doctor last night. They really have nothing on the placenta and apparently have no clue why I'm in pain all the time and what the hell is wrong with me. I liked it better when I thought I had lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever. At least I knew something. Now I know I have something like that but nothing to tell me exactly what it is.

I am at a loss for words, really. Which doesn't happen often. I mean it's not the doctors fault, by the way this is the doctor and nurse that I like. It's not my fault...it's my body's fault and whatever disease I have inside of me.

At this point it's not just about having a baby anymore, I mean we all know I want and NEED a child. But this is more than that. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to know if whatever disease it is that I have will cause me to one day be in a wheel chair, and if so, I'd like to be prepared for that. I'd like to know if my joints are going to lock up, or my bones will be so brittle they break for no reason...or that my muscles are going to deteriorate so bad that I won't be able to stand the pain! I want some answers!! Is that too much to ask?

I don't have the money to get actual insurance, I don't have the money to go to a 'specialist' for this kind of thing. I can't afford to have something like this wrong with me, I can't afford the answers that I need... My doctor, my original personal doctor, is a good man, and his office takes people without insurance but they only cover so much. They don't cover MRIs or Catscans or X-rays. Let alone anything I might need to get done to know what is going on with me... And if I wait to find it all out after I get pregnant next time, maybe there won't be enough information for them to take care of me and the baby. So I have to do all of this before I get pregnant. Which means, I can't have a baby for a very long time...

I expected the to say I couldn't have children because my womb was weak or my uterus was messed up...not to tell me I could have children but I have some sort of weird disease that they don't even know what it is. What the hell is that about!? I'm frustrated, I'm furious, I'm confused, and I'm wondering why in the hell couldn't I be one of the lucky women? Why couldn't I be healthy, and have a successful first and second and third and so on pregnancy. Why does something have to be wrong with me all the time? Why do I have to be in pain every day of my life? Why does it have to hurt just to stand up or sit down?

I'm a good person, it's not fair! I don't deserve this, and neither does Greg or anyone in my family. What if I do end up in a wheel chair or something? They will have to push me around everywhere, they will have to take care of me!? How could I have a child if that's the case? I wouldn't be able to hold my child or play with them...I don't know, I realize I'm getting ahead of myself. But put yourself in my position, what if you were told you have something but they have no clue what it is...I'm sure you'd act the same way.

You know I went to the doctor when I was 11 yrs old, maybe 12, to figure out what was wrong with me...they said it was growing pains. If they actually ran tests or whatever maybe they could have figured something out sooner, and maybe I'd have both my boys right now. I'm not blaming anyone, and I know doing the "what if" thing is never a good idea, but it just makes me wonder. I've been in pain since 11 yrs old, and no one took it serious. "It's just growing pains." That's what I always heard. At least now there is medical proof that something is wrong with me, so if anyone doubted me or thought I was over exaggerating, I guess they are proven wrong now. Even though I wish I was the one proven wrong in this situation.

My body hates me...My body is angry and broken. And yet here I am still thinking about having a baby...I won't be that selfish. I won't have a child unless I know I will be around to watch it grow up and get married and have children of their own. I won't have a child unless I know I can hold them and tuck them into bed and go up the stairs to comfort them when they have a bad dream. I will not be selfish with this! I want this too much but if it comes down to it and I have to settle with no children because of whatever is wrong with me, I'll do it...This is not a situation to be selfish with.

I think I'm done. I have to go take something because my back hurts, again!...

That's all...