Nothing to say today!

I don't have very much to say today. I'll start by saying that my back and body feels a TINY bit better. I can move a little bit without wanting to keel over and die! My pills still aren't helping very much, they just relax me.

I watched American Idol last night...damn Shabon or whatever her name is got kicked off. Kinda sad but at least it wasn't Crystal or Casey!

I organized all of my DVDs last night! :D I'm so proud of my dvd collection, it makes me happy just to look at them all. (I know I'm a freak!!)

It's get closer to Elijahs due date, and the closer it gets, the harder it gets. July 3rd is right around the corner...I've decided to be wasted sloppy drunk that day! Okay, not really because I'm sure that will just make it worse. But I need to get away or something around that time.

My dog Diamond is having a bad nightmare, I must wake her!

Sorry this is so random and boring, but today I really have nothing to say right now. If I do later, I will write...otherwise I'll speak tomorrow.

Happy Blogging!!!

No results!!!!

I'm going to start off by saying the results for my placenta still haven't come in. My nurse called them and they finally called back. They send the placentas to a college somewhere here in Michigan, they only examine and work on placentas. When the place called my nurse back my nurse asked what the heck was taking so long. They said they have a lot of placentas and it's like first come first serve. Plus the placenta has to sit in formaldehyde for two weeks before they can ever touch it...

My nurse told me that they said they have placentas from January still...They said it could take up to 4-5 maybe even 6 months. OH MY GOD!!!! I'll go nuts!! By the time those stupid results come back we will all be okay and moved on so little Elijah can rest in peace...and then we will get the results and it will open up all the wounds all over again!! I know it's not their fault, but this is horrible. It's like torture, not knowing if they are going to say it was just a unfortunate accident, or if they are going to say that I will have problems for the rest of my life trying to carry a full term baby.

I'm going crazy!! I don't know if I can't wait another 4-5-6 months!! What if by accident I get pregnant before the results even come back?? What if we don't even know why we lost Elijah and all of a sudden I have another tiny little guy in me that depends on my body to take care of it...What if my body fails for the third time!?

I know "what ifs" don't help, they don't make you feel better...they only make things worse because you will never have the answer to a "what if" question. But I don't know what else to do or think.

I'll try to move on to a happier topic, yesterday I went through ALL my clothes and got rid of a bunch of them. Which is a huge thing for me, I keep everything. I have a shirt I wore in 3rd grade. I have a shirt daddy gave me when I was like 10 lol. So anyway we had a closet full of clothes, mostly mine, and 5 garbage bags full of clothes at the bottom of the closet...I threw away 2 1/2 garbage bags full of clothes. GO ME!! I could of probably done more, but 2 1/2 was hard enough. :D

I got into an argument with my mom last night, first one in a while actually. I won't get into detail, because it was stupid and I let it piss me off like crazy! Anyway because of that I spent the entire night in the room with Greg, until American Idol came on. He hates that show, so I went into the living room and watched it alone. I think Lee or Mike is going home...who knows though.

I then watched Glee, I don't care what anyone says, that show is silly. I makes me giggle.

That's all folks! I think I've done enough ranting and raving for one day...at least on here.

Happy Blogging!!!

Fibromyalgia or Lupus??

I feel like crap again today. I haven't felt this bad since way before I was pregnant. The doctor said being pregnant probably made it better, but that it would come back once I had the baby...and so it has.

I don't know if I told you this but I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2008 I believe, I don't know much about it, I only know that I am in pain ALL the time. They later ran some tests and it came back that I had Lupus. Again, I don't know much, but I am still in pain. When I was pregnant they ran the same tests for Lupus and they came back saying I did not have Lupus, there were no signs of it at all. What the heck is that!? So now we are back at the Fibromyalgia diagnosis...I don't really care what I have, I don't care how it's treated, all I want is to be out of pain!!! I hate that I have to rely on pills to ease the pain a little bit. It doesn't even take it away, it only relaxes me and eases it a tiny bit.

I'm going to have to make another doctors appointment and find out what they can do to at least make me more comfortable. I remember my doctor saying that when I have a flare up I will be in a lot of pain and it will hurt to move and blah blah blah... I believe that's what I've been going through the past couple of days. I have only been up for an hour or so and I already am about to pop my meds because I can barely move. It almost hurts too much to type.

I wish Greg could understand how much pain I am in. He's never mean or anything about it, he says he understands that I don't feel well...but I feel like sometimes he doesn't get how intense the pain really is. He'll tap me on the shoulder and I'll yell out in pain almost in tears, and he looks at me like I'm a drama queen or something. He doesn't mean to I'm sure, but I can't blame him. He doesn't feel the pain I feel so how would he know?

And to top it all off, this is a TMI moment (TMI= too much information), I got my period...Now I have always hated it, most women do, but I hate it even more now that I'm in the middle of a flare up AND have the awful menstrual cramps and headache to add to it. This week sucks, the only positive is that in 2-3 days it'll be over...the period I mean, the flare ups don't have a time frame of how long they last.

I'm supposed to call my OB after 1 today to see if my results are in yet...I can already guess that they are not!! These people are gonna make me go nuts, I tell ya!! Greg's headaches have gotten a lot better since they upped his meds. He hasn't really had one in a while now. At least not a bad one. I'm so happy about that. We are all still eating really great, still not working out though... I of course have had a reason not to, I can't even get the dogs food without being in pain. Once this passes I'm going to force Greg to work out with me. :D

Well I suppose I should get going, go take my meds, wait a half hour and clean my room. I have bags and bags or clothes to get rid of, almost all of them are brand new, maybe worn once. I'm more of a yoga pants and wifebeater type of girl...except for when I go out to drink or whatever, that's when I want nice clothes. So I have to throw majority of my stuff out, or give it away actually, because I'll never wear all of it.

I'll post later on if I get my results back. If there isn't a new post you know those goof balls are still working on it.

Happy Blogging!!

Talk about getting up on the wrong side of the bed

So for some crazy reason I slept until noon today. I haven't done that in years! I don't understand why, and I don't like it. I feel like my entire day has been wasted in bed. It's one now and all I've done is make a couple phone calls, and I'm still on my first cup of coffee. I feel like a lazy bum. That put me in a little bit of a bad mood today when I saw the clock said noon. The other thing that threw me over the edge was the phone calls I made.

In 2007 I got two credit cards...They were maxed out in no time...NOT all my fault, I paid bills Julian bought stupid shit! Well the bills came for them and I couldn't keep up with the payments, because again, they were maxed out and Julian wouldn't help me. Even though he spent majority of the money. So now here I am getting harassed by these companies telling me I need to pay or I'll be sued.

I called them in the beginning of the month and told them I haven't started work yet, but once I do I'll pay $50 a month if not more. They agreed and said it would be due on the 25th of every month, I told them I couldn't do it this month because I haven't even started work yet. They agreed again and said it would start May 25th. Now this is 2 different companies, keep that in mind. I got letters from both companies, one saying I owed $50 by April 25th, the other saying I owed $100 by April 30th.

I called and told them I did not agree to that, and I could not pay that right now, they both said it was what we agreed one. I flipped out and told them that since they record every conversation they need to go back and listen to what i said in the beginning of the month. They both swore up and down that I had agreed to pay this month.

The first company made me pay $50 today, otherwise they would move ahead with the law suit...The second company argued with me on the amount I said I would pay and finally lowered it to $50, because I definetly did not say $100. So he lowered it but I still have to pay by Friday otherwise he will unfreeze my account and I'll start getting 18.8% interest again. WTF!!!!!!

So as you can see this day has started out completely messed up!!! And needless to say, I am extremely cranky now. I have only been awake for an hour and everything has gone wrong. If this day doesn't get better I might just go crawl back into bed and sleep the rest of this dreadful day away.

Side note: I watched Avatar last night, all the way trough, and it was amazing!! It's a must see for sure!!!! Then of course I watched my shows. I'll be so sad when they are over for the season, which is coming up very soon. :(

Anyway, I'll stop whining and complaining and bitching...for now. You don't read my blogs to hear about all of that, so I'll leave you with this last thought.

DO NOT ever get a credit card, and if you do, DO NOT trust your spouse with it!!!!

I will never dress shop again!

Well yesterday was okay. We went to seriously 7 different stores and guess what!? WE ENDED UP BACK AT THE FIRST FRIGGIN STORE!!! I could of killed her!! I was in a lot of pain yesterday and walking to a million different stores was ridiculous! She got a real pretty aqua kind of dress. It's nice, but I just wish she would have picked it the first time we were in there.

I saw this awesome store at the mall, I was having a blast looking in there. It's like a "hippie" store with clothes that look like they are from the 60's or 70's or whatever. I love those kind of stores! I love incense, I love tye dye clothes, I love it all! I saw a million different skirts that I loved, but Kristine was getting pissed and started rushing me, so I didn't even get anything.

After we finally found her dress we went out to applebee's to eat. I saw our cable guy there, it was weird. I know that's very random.

After that we stopped at Walmart and got an 18 pk of Miller Lite and a bottle of UV Lemonade. It was pretty good. Mom Greg and I all drank and played waterfalls. I have a few pictures that I'll post later on if I don't forget. Anyway, I'm in a lot of pain again today. So I took my pills and now I have a little buzz. My body still aches like a ***** but I'm relaxed now.

We went to Walmart today and bought Avatar, I can't wait to watch it all the way through with no interruptions. Desperate housewives and Brothers and Sisters is on tonight. WOO HOO! I love my shows.

Well I'm gonna go now and find something to eat, these meds give me the munchies lol.

Happy Blogging!!!

Together Again 2009

I found this a few seconds ago, I wrote this to Greg in Aug. of last year. It's cheesey and silly but I like it lol.


Who would've known,
it would have been you.
That I would fall for,
so deep and so true.

You held my hand
through good times and bad.
You wiped my tears,
whether happy or sad.

We tried this before,
being more than just friends.
It resulted with you
being hurt in the end.

As the years went on,
you continued to mend.
While I ran off
and married your friend.

Through all the times
he tore me apart.
You were there,
protecting my heart.

A couple years pass
before I open my eyes.
To see what you tried showing me
through all my goodbyes.

An image of us,
old and gray.
Watching our grand kids
run around and play.

You started off
as my very best friend.
And now here we are,
Together Again.

Back pain is a biatch

It's a beautiful cloudy rainy day here in lovely Michigan. The temperature is around 55 degrees. I love it!!

Plans for this wonderful Saturday, however I am not too fond of. At least part of them. Once my mother gets home at 2:30 we are heading over to South Bend to find Kristine a prom dress, BLAH! Hours of shopping for a dress she's going to wear once and that costs a million dollars...I never even enjoyed shopping for dresses when they were for me. For prom I wore a simple long black dress. Why can't she be as easy as me, huh?? But it's her senior prom so I have to be nice.

After 16 hours of looking for a dress we are going to go out and eat, yumm!!! Maybe do a little movie shopping for me, yay! I love movies by the way, I have a little of 300 DVDs. And then if things are still going great and we aren't tired mom and I are gonna stop off somewhere and pick up something to drink, if ya know what I mean!? Greg, mom and I are planning on drinking tonight to celebrate my birthday. Mom had to work Thursday so she couldn't drink with us on Wednesday. That's if we are all still up for it though. Who knows how this day will turn out.

Yesterday and today, I have been in so much pain! I haven't felt like this since like September of last year. It's the stupid fibromyalgia, I haven't had a "flare up" in a long time. Apparently being pregnant made it a little better. But oh my God, yesterday I woke up and all day I was almost in tears, I'm in so much pain. I took some of the meds they gave me before I got pregnant because the vicodin, believe it or not, doesn't help me anymore. So Tramadol and Flexeral is what I took. It didn't take the pain away but it relaxed me enough that I didn't start crying.

Today is a TINY bit better than yesterday, but not much. I'm still so achy! And I have to walk around for hours looking for dresses! GAH!

Wish me luck guys!! Hopefully my back doesn't give out on me in the middle of picking out a fluffy prom dress.

Happy blogging!!!

2 day catch up!

I finally got my computer to work right, I have no clue what in the world was wrong with it, but it's working now. Now I can go into more detail about my birthday, I hate typing long things on my iPhone, my nails are really long and it makes me mess up on the words. lol

Well, first of all Wednesday during the day was BORING, I was out here by myself ALL day! Greg was in the room watching tv, and didn't even offer to come out and spend time with me on the birthday! Then, when I told him we had to leave by 6 to meet daddy and Latisha at the bar, he said he wasn't going...I seriously almost cried. Yes, I almost cried over that. He then text messaged me, yes we text message even when we are in the same house. That's pretty much our only form of communication. And said that he was kidding and that he was going to go. I still remained alone out here until mom got home at 2:30.

I started to get ready, trying to find something to wear takes me longer than most women. Why? you ask, because I am not pregnant anymore, it's been almost 5 weeks, but I still can't fit into anything besides my pregnant clothes. My stomach is pretty much back to normal, just a little flabby now, I know real sexy right?? But I can't for some reason fit into any jeans or pants that don't have YOGA CLOTHES printed on them. It was my birthday I wanted to dress like a girlie girl that night, not like I always do. Don't get me wrong, those yoga pants make my butt look fabulous, but I wanted jeans. So I squeezed my over-sized body into a pair of jeans, size 13, and almost cried when I had to push my insides to the back of my body to button them.

I realize it's only been 4 1/2 weeks, but you know what!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I have nothing to show for this 160 lbs of flab on my once skinny body. I'm eating right, I do yoga, and I'm still not losing weight. (I do swear I won't have many posts where I complain about my weight, but when I'm trying to get ready to go out, I get pissed when I can't wear anything cute.) Anyway, I wore those pants that I had to squeeze into and a shirt that had Grumpys face on it. It was the perfect shirt for my mood.

When we got there I didn't hesitate before ordering a Miller Lite, yumm yumm!!! Latisha showed up not long after we got there and OH MY GOD she is sooo tiny! She is skinnier than she was before she got pregnant, she said she's about 115 now. So I chugged the rest of my beer and ordered another one. All of a sudden daddy turned white and said he was real dizzy. He went outside for some air so I followed him and asked if he wanted us to bring him home. He looked real bad. In the middle of him talking he jumped up off the curb outside and said I gotta throw up and took off running to the side of the building. I don't do throw up unless it's Gregs so I went in and told Greg to go over there and see if he was okay.

Turns out daddy ate liver and onions and after he puked he was fine. So we continued to drink, 3 beers and a long island iced tea (that was latishas but it was too "strong" for her so she made me drink it) later I was stumbling my way out of the bar. Yes I am a light weight, but it's so much cheaper that way. We went to daddy's and watched a little bit of American Idol before leaving at 9:30 to head home. I got here and they had a birthday cake for me, now I know we are on a diet now, but I wanted a piece of my birthday cake. Greg had a tiny sliver too. :D After American Idol was over Greg and I went to the gas station and bought a 6 pack and drank four of them before deciding to go to sleep. So that was my birthday.

Yesterday, Adrian's birthday, we spent at daddy's until about 5. One of my friends came over to look at our millions of dresses so she could pick one for her prom, found one she liked, and left by 6:30. Greg and I went to the store, I heard my song to Adrian, and then my day sucked from there. I watched Bones and Fringe, and then ended up hanging out with mom for an hour after she got off work before going into my room where Greg was...where he always is! We watched a little tv, I took a vicodin, because my back is seriously messed up right now. I swear it's about to go out, and I went to bed. Now I'm here at 11:30, blabbing about my last two days. So you're all caught up.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go with Mom and Kristine to South Bend so Kristine can look at dresses. Mom wants me to go so I can pick out a present for myself, but I don't want to sit through hours and hours of dress shopping just to end up back at the first place with the first dress she tries on. I know how this goes. I still don't know if I'm going to go yet, I guess I'll play it by ear.

I think that's all for today, unless something amazing happens. Which I doubt. I'm kind of cranky today anyway, so I guess it's good I'm signing off. :D

Happy Blogging!!

Well my computer is messing up so I'm using my iPhone, so if there are typos and stuff that's why.

Last night was fun! I drank entirely too much but I had fun. I was in bed by 12, that's how drunk I was...didn't even have my birthday lovin lol.

Today we wnt over to daddys for a little while and watched avatar I only saw bits and pieces but it looked good. I'll have to watch it again now.

Today is adrians 3rd birthday! I was just at the store and my song to him was playing, iris by goo goo dolls. I almost lost it.

I hate typing on this thing so I'm gonna go. I'll write once my dumb computer is fixed.

Thank you for the birthday video!!! Lol it was great and thanks to everyone for my birthday wishes!! :D

Happy blogging!!

Happy freakin Birthday

Well, my results STILL aren't in. Damn smart people that examine stuff!!! I guess I should be relived that they are taking so long, it means they are really trying to figure out what's happened. What if it comes back saying that nothing was wrong with the placenta? What the hell!? That would be messed up!!! BIG TIME messed up!!

Greg's doctor appointment went well yesterday. He now has high cholesterol so we have to watch that too. His blood pressure was normal, YAY, and his blood sugar has been staying between what it should. Maybe a little higher than normal at some ponits, but still not 240. :D

Today is my birthday. I am 22 years old. I feel no different, I'm still the same girl sitting here trying to figure out my dis functional life I'm just a year older. I woke up this morning to 20 new notifications on facebook. That was pretty sweet. I've never had that many at one time before. Tomorrow is Adrian's birthday, he would be 3 years old. My gorgeous little guy.

Mom said something last night that made me happy, she said she believes that cherub angels are children that have died that are watching over the world. The cute little chubby angels. That's a nice thought, I like it. I like to think that my little guys are cute angels that fly around. It makes me happy to picture it. Whether it's true or not, I don't care, it makes me happy to think about so that's what I'm going to do.

I just went in to wake Greg up to take his pills and he has another bad headache! I feel so bad for him...and I'm upset that he's sick again today...I wanted to spend time with him today, being my birthday and all. I'm not upset with him of course, it's not his fault, but I'm upset with the situation. He is sick every day, can't God just give us this one day to have a good time and spend it together without him writhing away in pain??? I know I probably sound like a 10 year old child, but I don't care. I don't ask for much, but it doesn't seem to matter. Everything I ask for get's thrown aside like it doesn't matter. All I wanted was this day, for him to feel well.

I'm going out for a few drinks tonight with my dad, Greg, and Latisha. She's leaving the baby at home, so it's okay. I was just on the phone with her for about an hour and a half. She misses me, and I feel bad for being so distant. But, I needed "me" time, I needed to concentrate on myself, and try to work through things...which hasn't worked out obviously. But whatever, it'll happen at one point.

Well, I'm going to go and start getting ready slowly but surely. I looked in the mirror yesterday and realized I look like a very butch lesbian lol. SOOOOOO I'm going to wear a very girly outfit, put on makeup, and do my hair today. I have never looked like this before, I feel silly.

Happy Blogging!

Daddy

Well it's noon and I'm not allowed to call the doctors office for another hour or so to find out the results. I wonder if they can just tell me over the phone, or if I have to come in? I'd hate it if I couldn't come in today knowing they are there. I'll start going crazy, very fast. :(

I'm nervous about this...I don't know why. I feel like there will be bad news somehow...Like they will tell me I can't have babies, or that my body isn't going to be able to provide correctly for a baby. I don't know why, but I really do feel like it's bad news. I'll be so destroyed if they tell me I can't have children or anything like that. This is all I've wanted my entire life. When I was little, I had an imaginary daughter, not friend. She was my daughter, weird I know. But that should show you how much I want this...

Greg just left for his doctor appointment with the wicked witch of the midwest. He didn't have a headache this morning when he left, but I'm sure he will when he gets home. That woman gives me a headache. (cursing the woman under my breath)Mom bought Greg this diabetic magazine, you know the ones that are like $10, and Greg made a recipe for a bean salad out of it last night. He was so excited because it was good. Hah, I love him to bits and pieces.

Last night House was on at 8, however we were in the middle of watching Armageddon and there was no way we were going to turn it off. Can you believe Greg had never seen it? Well he did last night, and by 8 o'clock, we were all sitting here crying because of it.

I was motivated this morning to tell you the story of my Daddy. Because some things have been brought up that I'd like to vent about...

Mom and dad had me in 1988, I was three years old by the time they got married, and four by the time they had Kristine. Daddy was in the army so we moved around a lot. He wasn't in very long though, thank God. Mom and Dad split when I was 6 and I moved with my mom to live here in Michigan. It didn't last long. I threw fits, I yelled, I screamed...I was angry that she took me from my daddy. So she sent us back to live with him.

We lived with him until I was 11. We went up to see mom every summer and talked to her more than once a week. Daddy was very strict. We had to finish everything on our plates or we couldn't leave the table...ever. I spent almost 4 hours at the table one time because I was seriously full and couldn't eat anymore. We had to drink our milk or we would have to sit there until it was finished. I hate milk! So I sat there along time, every night. Until it was sitting out too long for him to make me drink it.

If we said stupid or shut up, we got our mouths washed out with soap, I started to get used to the soap taste so he used hot sauce instead for me. I loved it, but of course never let him see that. When Kristine and I would fight we'd get hit with the belt, not crazy hitting, but enough to teach a lesson. I, being the oldest, got in trouble more than Kristine. She was daddy's little girl, and I was the older sister who was supposed to watch out for her. She would mess up and blame me, and no matter what I said or how I fought, I'd get into trouble.

When we came up here for the summer to visit mom, I decided I wanted to stay. I was 11 years old at this time, and when I told daddy I didn't want to move back to Florida, he said if I don't come back he doesn't want contact with us anymore.

Daddy drinks, a lot. He's considered an alcoholic. He never beat us or treated us too unfairly, he was just strict. But for him to say that he wouldn't talk to us anymore because we wouldn't move back to Florida with him...that was the cruelest thing he could have done. For almost 5 years we didn't talk to him, didn't write him, and he didn't try to make contact.

When I was 16 I went down to Florida with Kristine to visit the rest of the family and specifically said I didn't want to see daddy...being daddy's side of the family, did they listen? No, of course not! I was dragged to see the man that had pretty much given up on me and my sister because we wanted to live with my mother. We got there and he hugged me tightly and started crying while I stood there with my hands at my sides wanting to kill my uncle for bringing me to see him.

We stayed the night there, and Daddy and I stayed up literally all night talking. I yelled and screamed and told him exactly how f*d up this whole situation was. He cried, apologized and said he'd never do anything to hurt me again. After leaving that next day and heading back to Michigan, my dad and I had a new-found relationship. We were going to try and make this work with us. We talked about everyday from that point on. Kristine, not having the talk that I did with him, was still furious, and had every right to be.

In 2008 I convinced daddy to move here to Michigan to be closer to us. He came and lived with us for a little while until he got a job and a place of his own. It only took him a month or two, it was pretty quick. The one rule was, no drinking of any kind in this house. And he followed it, we all got along. Even him and my mom, which was really REALLY weird by the way. Once he moved out, he of course got his alcohol, but that's okay. It's not under our roof. He doesn't drink when I'm at his house or anything, so it all works out.

Kristine's boyfriend had no where to go so daddy offered him a place at his house. Things were going well, Kristine was talking to daddy...not very nicely, but hey it's better than nothing. Kristine has a very bad attitude and doesn't think before she speaks, she's very disrespectful even if she's not meaning to be. So that caused a lot of problems with them. Anyway one thing Kristine specifically asked was for daddy not to let Josh drink, he's a freaking nut case when he does...I hate him when he does.

Josh's birthday was in November, it was a few days before Thanksgiving. Apparently Josh asked daddy for a bottle of alcohol for his birthday...daddy bought it. That same night Josh and Kristine were fighting on the phone and daddy butted in for some unknown reason. From there I know nothing more, than getting a phone call at around 3-4 in the morning from daddy saying he couldn't breathe because Josh hit him. Josh was put in jail for assault for 90 days.

To this day I have no idea what exactly happened, Josh said he pushed him, daddy said he hit him. Either way, daddy had cracked ribs and was in pain. Now don't get me wrong I am NOT sticking up for my dad here, he messed up. He shouldn't have given Josh alcohol, not just because Kristine asked him not to, but Josh is a minor. HOWEVER, Josh shouldn't have drank it either. And for whatever reason, the fight broke out, Josh shouldn't have hit a 50 year old man either!

Anyway, since that day in November, Kristine refuses to speak to daddy. She refuses to let him attend her graduation! He had tried to talk to her, and wants to talk to her, but she won't do it. Whatever that's fine, I don't really care! My problem is that she is always talking shit about him around me. He messed up yes, but is Josh getting this much grief from her, did he? NOPE! I forgave him for almost the same thing with Julian.

Anyway, I guess this morning Kristine was talking and said that I'm daddy's favorite. WHAT THE HELL, or course I am at the moment, she doesn't talk to him. Before that, he was trying to be fair to both of us. Now it's like he only has one daughter, so why would he not favor me instead of someone who doesn't even speak to him and who has no intention of speaking to him. He talks about her all the time, and always says he wishes she'd talk to him, but Kristine won't hear of it.

He's cut down A LOT on his drinking too since this. Which is great! He's not a bad guy, he made a bad decision that obviously Kristine is going to make him pay for for the rest of his life. Kristine has to get her prom dress this weekend and is pissed because daddy won't help with it. Yes he's her father, but if I were him, I either wouldn't help. Or I'd help, but only to help my mom so she didn't have to pay for it all on her own.

I have a lot of anger about this whole situation. He made a mistake, Josh has made way more. I have made plenty, and yet she forgives us all. Anyway, like I've said before...Kristine is difficult, she's stubborn, and there's no reasoning with her most of the time. When her mind is made up, it's made up. And apparently the way it's going is that she will never speak to him again. So here I am stuck trying to be good enough to replace the daughter that he doesn't have anymore...

Daddy is supposed to take me out tomorrow for my birthday. But I'm not sure if I'm going to go. I don't want to cause problems because he's not helping with Kristine's prom stuff but he's taking me out...ya know?

Anyway, there's another part of my dis functional life. There's more to come, don't worry. I'll write more when I find out results and about Greg's appointment.

Happy blogging.

Random Ramblings Edition 2

Well yesterday sucked, as we all knew it would. But not as bad as July 3rd will, Elijah's birthday is going to be really hard... I kept looking at the clock all day yesterday, going over what I was doing exactly a month ago. From when they gave me those retched pills, to the contractions, to pushing him out... It was really hard once 3:39 hit...So I hurried and turned my attention to Billy the Exterminator. :D

Greg's doing okay, I guess. He has that same headache ALL the time!! He has his doctors appointment tomorrow, that I am not allowed to go to because he's doctor is a biatch! But hopefully she can give him something to at least dull the pain of the headaches. He keeps saying his legs feel weird and they keep twitching too, RLS? I feel so bad for him. I can't wait until this is under control so he can stand to function again. The slightest noise drives him crazy and he grabs his head. I'd take it from him if I could.

I watched Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters last night. Love those two shows right there. :D Crazy things always happen, gotta love those night time soaps.
House is on tonight. :D Hugh Laury (however you spell it) is extremely sexy in my book!! Yum yum!

I got an idea from someone in the forum, I think I might make stir fry. I love cooking, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before. I actually almost went the the Cooking Institute of Chicago, Le Cordon Bleu. I wanted to be a chef, Julian was the one who killed that dream. But I have made up quite a few things, Nolie's Ravioli is my favorite. :D

My birthday is on Wednesday... YUCK! I'm only going to be 22, but God do I feel older. I mean hell my body is that of a 55 year old, arthritis, fibromyalgia, and possibly lupus. They are still testing that last one. I hate my birthdays, especially since Thursday is Adrian's. I almost feel like I should buy a cake, and light a candle... What do you think?

I sent out a few more Query letters, I got one rejection back. That's okay though. I love to write, I want to write. And I guess if I never get the chance to do it professionally I can always do it on the side, like i have been. I have a copy printed for myself, so as long as I can do that, I suppose I'll be happy. It's not even about the money, I just want people to read my work. I'll keep trying though.

Daddy is taking Greg and I out on my birthday, dinner and maybe a beer or two. But my friend Latisha decided to invite herself along. Now I love her, to bits and pieces, but she has a 4 month old baby...I don't want to see the baby...I think I'd lose it if I did. I haven't been around a baby since I found out we lost Elijah. If she comes and brings him, I'll leave and walk home.

Kristine is pissed off at me, because her friend had a baby in Feburary and since I've lost Elijah she hasn't been able to be around here because of the baby. I told her I'd go to my room while they are here, but no that's not good enough for her. She keeps saying I need to get over it. I need to hold a baby...I need to be around babies. It's really starting to upset me! I can't and won't do that right now. When I lost Adrian it took me almost a year before I could hold a baby again. How can she try to rush me? I'm pretty sure her friend has a house she can go to. Or just let me go to my room and stop yelling at me about it. Grr

I guess I can end with ramblings for now. I'll add on a side note though, Julian is supposed to give me the rest of the money for the divorce next Friday. Cross your fingers guys! I want to be divorced!!!! Haha never thought I'd say that. :D

Happy blogging! :D

exactly one month later.

I had some lovely lovin from my baby yesterday. :D That made my day that much better. I went to the store and watched some tv. My life hasn't really been very interesting the past couple of days, pretty boring in fact. I actually thought about skipping todays post, but then I realized if I didn't say what I'm about to say, this day might end horribly for me...

Today at 3:39 pm, it will be exactly 1 month since I gave birth to my beautiful Elijah. I can't believe it's already been a month. It's gone so fast, too fast. I feel like I'm not even having the chance to mourn, even in my way... I feel like time is speeding up to make me forget my lost child. I think about him daily, hourly even, but I feel it isn't enough.

If you think about it Greg got sick a week or two after Elijah passed. So since then I've been so worried about him, I haven't had the chance to grieve. Hey, I'm not necessarily complaining, but I feel bad. On the other hand, maybe it was meant to happen this way. to keep myself from going crazy. To keep me busy with my worrying and fussing over Greg. It's not keeping me from loving or remembering my son, it's just keeping me from dwelling on the sadness of his departure. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am emotionally retarded. Only God knows, and he hasn't tried to share any answers with me.

Today is going to be a pretty boring day, I'm sure. Currently mom is playing Zelda Twilight Princess on the WII, which makes me sad only for the fact that everytime she would do this, I'd be sitting here making Elijah's baby blanket. I still have it, unfinished...But I don't think I can try and finish it yet. It took me almost 3 years 2 years to finish Adrians. I've decided next time I get pregnant I won't do a baby blanket, I won't even talk about a baby shower, I won't register for baby gifts. I won't jinx myself in any way.

Well it's 12 now, I have to go get Greg up so he can take his pills. I'll talk to you all on the flip side. :D Happy blogging.

Small section of chapter 17

I don't really have much to say today, nothing has really happened. Everyone is home today, cleaning and all that. Greg has another bad headache, he doesn't even sleep okay anymore. I feel so bad for him, I hate headaches. When I get headaches they make me sick to my stomach and all that, I end up feeling worse than I ever have in my whole life. I can't imagine having it everyday almost all day. His pills don't even help. And to top it all off he has to work today at 3.

I don't have much to write so instead I'll post another small section of my book for you to read. Here ya go:

By the time I got to Professor D's house Sergeant Burnett was already there. I could tell that they hadn't talked about anything yet, which I was glad about. I wanted to lead this discussion as much as possible. I wanted to tell him what was going on without giving too much information about it, to protect him.

I nodded toward Sergeant Burnett, "Hello Sergeant."

"Amanda."

"This is Professor D, Evie, and you know Sam."

Sergeant Burnett nodded.

"What I'm about to tell you, you may not believe at first... And I wish I didn't even have to say anything, but there is a threat on the entire campus. We have to do something, we have to evacuate." I informed him.

"What kind of threat?" He asked tensing up.

"Sergeant, have you ever considered that there may be things in this world that you nor I can explain?"

"Like what?" He asked nervously.

"Certain kinds of evil... Not just bank robbers or murderers, other forms of evil, real evil."

"Like ghosts?"

"No... like demons." I blurted without thinking it through. Not too much, I reminded myself.

"Demons?!" He shouted.

"Shh...yes."

"You said you had information on the murders Amanda."

"I do."

"What are you saying? Demons are responsible for the murders?" He asked skeptically.

I didn't say anything, I simply glanced around the room at each face staring back at me. I thumbed through the papers I had in my hands, searching for anything that would prove it to him. I found the information on the two boys killed recently on campus, the autopsy reports from them. I handed them to the Sergeant.

"How do you explain the fact that all of the victims look ungodly pale after they are killed?" I asked.

"Everyone's body loses its color when they die."

"Not after five minutes Sergeant. Look at the photos, they were found soon after they were killed. The autopsy reports say that each of them died an hour before they were found, but their bodies appeared to have been laying there for hours if not days. How do you explain that?"

"I can't." He murmured.

"Would you like me to?" I asked not waiting for his answer. "The killers literally sucked the life force from their bodies...they feed off of fear and pain. That's why the victims color is drained, they are left with nothing in their bodies but their organs."

I stopped because I could tell that Sergeant Burnett was starting to wig out. The color was draining from his face, and he looked as if he was about to be sick.

"Sergeant, I need you to understand what I'm saying..."

"I...I can't." He stammered.

"Sergeant look at me!" I yelled.

Sergeant Burnett looked up and I could see how petrified he was.

"If you don't listen to me everyone on this campus and maybe in this town will be like these boys! They have threatened the entire campus Sergeant! You have to evacuate before it gets worse!"

"How do you know about all of this?" He asked softly.

"It doesn't matter, all that matters is that we work together to save the people in this town."

"How?"

"I told you! You have to make everyone leave here until this is worked out! You did it before!"

"It's not my decision Amanda. I can't just order everyone to evacuate the town, they would think I'm insane."

"Professor..." I whispered looking through the window behind him, cutting off Sergeant Burnett mid-sentence.

"What is it Amanda?"

He must have seen the panicked expression on my face because he turned around. Just as he did someone came exploding through the window, sending pieces of glass flying all around us. I heard that same laughter as earlier coming from outside the window, it was Dominic.

I ran over to the Professor to help him up, but one of the Devlocks cut me off by hitting me, sending me soaring a few feet behind me. I got back up on my feet and started walking toward them again, not thinking about the pulsating pain I felt in my arm.

I glanced back at Sergeant Burnett who was curled up under Professor D's piano with his eyes squeezed shut. If we live through this at least we know he'll take us seriously. I turned back around just in time to get knocked backwards again, this time smashing my head.

"Amanda stay down!" Evie yelled.

I scanned the room frantically searching for Sam who was passed out against the wall on the other side of the room. I slowly crawled over there to make sure he was alright.

"Is Sam alright?" Evie asked.

I glanced up to see Evie standing in front of two Devlocks, not taking her eyes off of them. She's so small, how can she possibly think she an ward off anyone but a mere human? She needs help, I know she does.

"Amanda!" Evie yelled panicked.

"Sam's fine! He's just knocked out." I reported.

I slowly crawled my way over to the couch where I checked on Professor D, who was bleeding pretty bad from a head wound.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

"I'm fine. Go help Evie...." He mouthed.

I could feel my heart start to race even more, my hands started to sweat, I could feel the intensity in his words. I had to help her otherwise we would all be dead...what could I possibly do though?

I looked deep into the Professor's pleading eyes while he spoke, "This is your destiny Amanda, you must fight."

I nodded even though I wasn't sure of what I would do. I slowly snuck my way up behind Evie who was still in pounce position, turning around to make sure no one could sneak up behind me. That's when I saw the fireplace. I grabbed one of the fireplace pokers and held it tightly in my hand, not sure of how much damage this would really cause a creature like them.

I waited for one of them to make a move to come closer and I went around the left side of Evie and stabbed him in the side. He bellowed out in pain, ripping it from his torso and thrusting after me. Evie jumped in between us and all of a sudden a bright light radiated from her body, sending the Devlock flying backwards.

"Are you alright?" She asked still standing in front of me.

"Yeah." I breathed.

I went to walk to the side but someone grabbed me and turned me around. It was Dominic. He held onto my arms tightly, not hurting me, but holding me steady.

"Dominic...please help us!"

Dominics expression didn't change, it was in the same hard mask as earlier. I knew it was useless to beg him, I saw that it wouldn't make a difference. What I don't understand is that this isn't where my vision took place.

"Why are you doing this? Why won't you help us?" I asked knowing it was pointless.

He still didn't speak.

"I love you." I whispered.

Just as soon as the words were out of my mouth I was smashed into the wall with more force than I thought possible, sliding down until I hit the floor.

"Don't say that to me!" Dominic yelled standing over me.

"I do." I mouthed, tears running down my face.

Dominic reached his hands out to grab me, but stopped when he almost made contact. He let out a loud frustrated yell and stood up not taking his dark inhuman eyes from mine.

I felt myself slowly start to slip unconscious, I kept trying to hold my eyes open but with every second my eye lids grew heavier and heavier. Just before I passed out I got a glimpse of Evie and the brilliant radiating light extending from her body.


That's section from chapter 17. Tell me what you think.

Have a great day bloggers.

I'm not crazy

It's 10:50 in the morning, (gosh I'm pretty accurate on my blogging. It's almost the same time everyday.) I was up pretty late last night, and woke up pretty early. So needless to say I'm exhausted. I'm not going to go into details about my evening, because if you read the post before this one, you know what happened. It wouldn't be very lady like of me to kiss and tell, unless I write a poem or something, then I think it's okay. :)

I have a cup of coffee with 1 tsp of sugar and barely any french vanilla creamer, (I've been trying to get rid of the french vanilla and the sugar since Greg found out, I'm almost there.) I'm sitting here with my hair a mess and dreading the day to come. All it's going to consist of is...yoga, cleaning, and cooking dinner. I really need a job! Well, I have a job, I need to start working. I work at a seasonal restaurant, they are open now but it isn't busy enough yet to bring me in. Greg gets to go though. :( damn him!!

My 13 year old sister has a friend, if you can call her that, that has been cutting herself and saying she's going to jump in front of a car...this "friend" has done nothing but torture Cyara, she has literally made her life a living hell...and this "friend" is cutting and saying these things because others are doing the same around her, and she's trying to guilt Cyara into staying her friend. Now trust me I believe that these things should be taken seriously, and this is why... I used to do the same thing. This girl inspired me to tell you this section of my story sooner than I planned. But here it is.

I was around 14, soon after I met Julian, when I cut for the first time. I had issues "expressing" emotions, I couldn't...feel anything, I guess you could say. I went to a shrink before I moved to this town, and they told me to refrain from talking to my mother, so I told the shrink that the voices told me that they didn't like her and threw her wind chime across the room. Who in the hell tells you not to speak to your mother, especially in a time like that? Anyway, the first time I cut I was sitting in my room, and I almost felt as if I wasn't me. I felt detached, alone...I was just sitting there, not even with anything in my hands, and the next thing I knew I was bleeding.

After every fight Julian and I would have, it would happen, and I wouldn't know it was happening until it was over. I hid it well, I did it in spots you can easily cover up to where no one would know...but Julian of course still found out. He called me crazy, and insane, instead of trying to address the reasons why, he continued to call me horrible names and make me feel worse.

I was in my room one night, this when I was about 16 or so, and Kristine and I got into a huge fight, I don't even remember what it was about. Apparently I chased her down the hallway and into her room where she slammed the door. I kicked and punched the door so bad, that it came off the hinges a little and ended up trapping her in the room. She sat there, stuck until my mom got home, because I didn't remember a thing. What I remember is coming to, in my room, on my bed bleeding again... Once I found out what I did, I turned to my church for help. He believed there was something more going on then just "cutting" he believed there was something, taking over my body perhaps.

A few weeks after I visited the church, the "phenomena" started to happen. I would be woken up by something whispering my name, and when I'd open my eyes there would be a huge shadow standing over me. My bed would shake, not like exorcist type shaking, but enough to make you freak out. I would see the shadows dart across my room after each other... I was horrified. I would hear muffled talking, besides my name I could never make out what it was. I was facinated by this but scared shitless as the same time.

I was downstairs one day using the bathroom and all of a sudden I heard someone scream...like a gut- wrenching, murder like scream. I took off running upstairs to check it out, my cousin was the only other person home besides Cyara and I and he was up there reading a book... I went into my bedroom with Cyara at my side, sure that it came from there anyway, to find everything all over my room. (I had a fetish for stealing salt and pepper shakers from every restaurant I went to, don't ask me why.) I stood there looking around, half crazed, and that's when I noticed every single sat and pepper shaker that I had, and I had a lot, were upside down on the floor. Salt and pepper were everywhere. I freaked out and took off running down the stairs. Mom got home soon after that so I forced her to come upstairs with me, she never believed in this stuff. When we got inside, everything was normal. There wasn't a drop of salt or pepper anywhere. They were back up on my dresser and the room was as it always was.

Needless to say she thought I was either lying or going crazy, even though Cyara was there and saw it all. Soon after that my Grandmother died...Massive stroke. That's when things started to get worse, I was cutting a lot more, I was taking things I didn't even know I was taking. I was doing and saying things, that weren't me. One night, I was laying in bed trying to sleep. All of a sudden I swear the room was sucked of oxygen, and I heard someone calling my name..."Nicole"..."Nicole"..."NICOLE". It kept getting louder and louder. My eyes shot open and I scooted myself as far from the edges of the bed as possible. I sat there wide-eyed petrified at the sights before me. There were at least three large dark shadows shooting back and forth across my room. They were talking but I couldn't make out any words, only noise. And out of nowhere this bright figure appears out of and then they were gone...

The next day I was standing in the game room with the whole family and moms boyfriend, who's a cop, elder at his church, and a psychiatrist. I saw my Grandmother, all in white, walk from her old bedroom to the kitchen. That's when I knew it was her. I felt her presence everywhere, all the time. Of course my mother never believed me though. No one did except her boyfriend and my pastor at my church. They believed everything I'd seen and told them.

I cut one last time. Marcy and Greg were downstairs and I was up in my room. I came to in the middle of cutting my arm and immediately dropped the class shard. I searched my entire room and found a stash of them everywhere. I was freaked out, this was the first time I had "woken" up before I had really done anything, so I called Marcy upstairs. I was crying and told her what happened, she didn't believe a word of it, so I kicked her out of the room locked the door and jumped out the window. (It was winter and the snow broke my fall)I took off running to the only other place I had to go...Julians apartment. I got there and he took care of me, he cleaned the cuts and calmed me down... one of the only times he actually helped me. And he believed me. My mom showed up saying that Marcy called her and told her what I did and what happened. When we got back to the house Greg and Marcy were still there sitting on my couch. I can't even explain the horror in their eyes. I never want Greg, or anyone to look at me like that again.

I, to this day, believe that my Grandma prevented it from happening again. She protected me. She chased whatever those shadows were away. When we moved out of the house and into this one, my mom was cleaning up and saw something out of the corner of her eye. My grandma standing there watching everything, with a smile on her face. She believes me now.

I still have encounters, there are things that linger around me, they always have and always will. They don't scare me or bother me anymore, in fact I'm fascinated. I've taken pictures, and gotten orbs with faces in them, figures, and a bright light surrounded by little figures. I sent that last one into a bunch of different places and they all came back saying that they believe the bright light is an angel and the little figures are children...lost children that use our home as a safe place until they find their way home. They described the child that was clearest in the picture, and I swear to God it was Adrian. This was back in 08.

A few days after we lost Elijah I saw them both. Adrian and Elijah were right in front of me, and all I remember them saying is "I love you mommy" and Adrian said to tell Julian he loves him and Elijah said to tell Greg he loves him. They looked like they were like 8 or nine or something. I couldn't see their faces but I saw them. I knew it was them. I told Julian and he was happy, he said to tell Adrian he loves him too. I told Greg and he wasn't so receptive... I don't think he believes me. Actually I'll bet my life on the fact that he doesn't. Who would?

Now I'm sure you all think I'm a complete nut case, but I swear that everything here is true. I have and do see and hear things that others may not be able to. I'm not claiming special powers and anything crazy like that, I simply hear and see figures. I wanted to wait to share this experience until I've written a little more and you all have gotten to know me, in fear that you all think I'm crazy now. I have some pictures to prove what I've seen and I'll post them under my other blog as soon as I'm done here. I won't apologize for my "gift" or whatever the hell you want to call it, I like it. I can feel and see the unknown, what not many other people can. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy reading bloggers!

Nothing

I just got home from the doctors office. There were no results yet, GRRR. The ones from when I lost Adrian, are the same from when they told me before. All they know is there were blog clots on the placenta, but they aren't sure if they happened before he passed or after...so I'm stuck knowing NOTHING on that one. And I'm supposed to call on Tuesday to see if they got them in for Elijah...Gah! It's like it's never gonna end...I'm never going to know anything. Knowing my luck I won't know what happened this time either. I'm so frustrated with them!!

She did a pelvic exam, I know TMI, and told me to go ahead and do whatever I want to now...except get pregnant of course. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....tonights agenda... Margaritas and (sugar free) chocolate covered strawberries... she never said we could practice...over and over and over again! :D

YAY ME!

Nervous

I'll start off by saying that all day yesterday I sent out Query letters to agents for my book. Thanks for the shove everyone who told me to go do it! I'll send out some more later perhaps, but currently I'm going to sit here and FREAK OUT over my doctor appointment today at 3.

I'm so nervous...they are going to tell me why I lost Elijah, and Adrian in fact. They never did tell me, they said it was blood clots on the placenta with Adrian, and an infection with Elijah. But now I'm going to know the truth, and know if its that stupid nurses fault that Elijah's gone...

What if they tell me I can't have kids? That the placenta problem will constantly be an issue? I don't think I could handle that...All I've ever wanted in life was children, if that's taken away from me I'll probably go nuts. And it's not like I can pay someone to have my baby, or adopt even. It's too damn expensive. Maybe by the time I'm 60 I can afford to have a baby, but what the hell is the point??

What if the infection that was on the placenta, spread throughout my stomach or something? I have been having very very bad stomach pains, which obviously will be brought up today.

As you can tell I'm seriously freaking out!!! And I'm trying my hardest not to let it show to Greg, I don't want to add to his stress. On a lighter note now-

Random note number 1: Andrew did get kicked off, dammit!! And so did Katie, what a crock!! :(

Random note number 2: Watched Law Abiding Citizen last night, excellent freaking movie man!!! At one point someone died in the most unexpected way and Greg, mom, and I all jump. I yell "OH SHIT!!!" Mom was like, "WHAT THE HELL!?" And Greg goes, "This isn't good for my heart!!!!!!!!" haha I was like "Baby there's nothing wrong with your heart." And then at another part he said he cholesterol was going to go up from this movie. lol meaning to say, blood pressure. Silly man!!! Anyway great movie, go watch it...now! :)

Random note number 3: Hmm...I guess there isn't one. Oooooh, Gregs Bloodsugar was down to 104 last night YAY!!!! Mine was 96. Those little pricks to test your blood hurt btw.

Well I'll fill you in on my appointment either later or tomorrow morning. Think good thoughts for me!!

Small section of Chapter 12 of my book

I walked in and class had already begun, in fact I was twenty minutes late. I took my seat and got my books out, knowing I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway. I grabbed a pen and paper and began taking notes. That's when it happened.

Suddenly my eyes started to slide closed. My breathing started to become more rapid, my heart beating out of my chest, head spinning, ears buzzing...

I was standing behind the Devlocks. They were beating someone, the person was screaming in agony.

"Shut up boy!" One of the Devlocks yelled.

I tried to make my way through the Devlocks to see the person laying on the ground, but I couldn't move. I looked around to see where I was, it was the private soccer field behind the administrations building.

"Please! Please, leave me alone! I don't know anything!" The boy yelled.

"Shut up!" A huge crack echoed through the air as he back handed him.

"Why do you want me?" The boy cried.

"We don't." The Devlock informed.

"We want your friends!" Another one said.

I knew who the boy was, even before the Devlocks moved. They split into two groups, two on each side. I looked down at the ground horrified to see Sam laying there bruised and bleeding.

"Please!" Sam cried trying to move away from them.

One of the Devlocks leaned down toward Sam and looked directly in his eyes, like he had done with Marin. "She will come for you." He smiled darkly.

"Who will? I don't know who you're talking about." Sam pulled himself up as much as he could and squared his shoulders.

The Devlock slapped him, "Don't be stupid boy! You know who I speak of!"

"She won't come! She'll know it's a trap and she won't come!" His voice was becoming weaker by the second.

The Devlock leaned further down and placed his hands securely around Sam's neck, "You're dead either way boy!" And with that same gut wrenching cackle, he watched as Sam began to turn white as stone...

"Amanda!" Dominic yelled, "Amanda what did you see? What happened?"

I opened my eyes and it took a moment for me to put all the pieces of my vision together.

"Oh my God!"

I jumped up and started running as fast as I could. i made it out of the classroom, through the crowds of people walking along the sidewalks, passed the dorms. I kept praying that I would make it in time, administrations is on the other side of campus. i kept running as fast as my legs would carry me. But I knew it wouldn't be enough.

I could hear Dominic running behind me, but I couldn't turn around, I didn't have time to explain. I had to keep running. When I made it through the administrations building, I knew I only had a little ways to go. I pushed myself to go faster, I ran through the bushes that surrounded the soccer field, tripping over one of the branches, scrapping my arms and legs and smashing my head. I could feel the blood dripping off of me, but I couldn't feel the pain. I just kept running until i came to the center of the soccer field.

random ramblings

This picture has to do with the end of the blog, lol I can't figure this thing out.

Hello my fellow bloggers, it's 10:52 in the am and I'm sitting here with all three cats and 2 dogs surrounding me...why? I have no idea. Even my cigarette smoke isn't scaring them away. I love my animal but man, when they are all piled on top of you you can't breathe lol.

I don't know why this popped into my head, but like so many other times, I'm going to tell you what it is...I remember when livejournal and xanga were the top online journals, I went through mine the other day and oh my Lord! Every single one of those is about Julian. One says I love him so much, the other says I hate him he's a jerk, then the next I love him and he won't cheat again. What the hell was I thinking, I mean I understand I was young and naive but come on, how could I sit around and let myself be treated that way? And then there's the occasional blog on there about Greg, and I could see the difference in my writing. My words were different, the mood was different. I should of known! However, I can't say I regret anything with Julian, I learned alot and got a beautiful son out of it. I wonder how different my life would be right now if I did leave Julian for Greg along time ago. Crazy stuff man!!

Random note number 1: I love bustello coffee, if you haven't tried it, do!!!

Greg's appointment went good yesterday by the way. We got there and only sat in the waiting room long enough for my eyes to get glued to a stupid episode of Maury, I believe it was about cheating and prostitution of over 300 times...and then of course theres the OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE THE BABY ISN'T YOURS! Ahhhhh!

Anyway, after my IQ dropped about 10 points from that the show, we were called in. This doctors office is the same one I had before I got pregnant. They are nice there, and they take people with no insurance. Well, when I was there this doctor that Greg has wasn't...and I'm glad. She's a little weird. We get in the room and she comes walking in looks at me and says, "are you two related?" Um...yeah I'm his long lost sister. Once Greg told her I was his girlfriend, she looks at me and says usually I kick the people out. And then she did so he could change into the gown. Once he was back in clothes she told me I could come back in and five seconds later we were done. They gave him a bunch of stuff to read about diabetes, which is good. Googling every time we have a question is getting silly, and prescribed him some medication to help with his blood pressure and blood sugar. :) He's still getting his headaches though! :( I hate when he doesn't feel well.

Random note number 2: Andrew didn't do so well on American Idol last night, and I think tonight will be his last! :( I'm heart-broken, he could have been so great.

Random note number 3: I remember watching Julia & Julia and seeing how she became so addicted to her blog, and I was like oh please that doesn't happen in real life. It can't be that great...HA! I'm addicted, I love writing on here and knowing that somewhere there's someone reading my words. Granted that must me the inner writer coming out. Oh yeah I never told you what my book was about.

It's a paranormal romance novel. The first of three I'm thinking. I'm working on the second now. I have a published copy of my book, and a couple went out to others, but I'm sick of the self publishing route... But no publisher will pick up a book by and "unpublished" author...How am I supposed to get published when no one will publish it. Sheesh, I couldn't of picked a harder dream to fulfill. Here's what it's about!


Amanda has come to realize that love is a powerful emotion that can force anyone to irrational behavior, but is their Immoral Love enough to stop the one man she would die for from becoming her perpetual enemy?

Amanda has had dreams her entire life, dreams that oddly enough became reality. It took her years to realize that her dreams were visions and that her future holds more for her than she could have ever imagined. At her high school graduation she has a vision of her death. Amanda becomes very cautious and paranoid, until her second year in college when she meets Dominic, a mysterious student who will bring her life more meaning. Little does she know, Dominic is a Devlock; one of the creatures who will eventually kill her.

Throughout her and Dominic's on and off again relationship, Amanda not only has to deal with the fact that she might die within the next few years, but that it is Dominic and his kind that inevitably kill her. Can their love pull them through the brutal battles that lie ahead, or will it be the unavoidable destroyer?

I must add just out of being cautious, this book is copyrighted, and anything taken from it will be stealing.

Okay that said, What do you think? :) I thought about posted bits of chapters for you guys, but then you'll never buy the book if I ever do get lucky and publish it. :) Heres the cover of it. My mom designed it.

So there ya have it. my random ramblings of the day. This post wasn't very heart-felt or productive, but it's how my mood is today. Wish everyone luck in dealing with me. :) Have a great day all, and I'll write more in a little while. I'll share a story I've been meaning to, but with all the drama in the coffee house I was afraid of doing it.

Happy reading!!!

Update so far...

Well I want to start by saying thank you for everyones concern about Greg. He had an intake appointment this morning and everything went well. He has a doctors appointment today at 3:30 so I'll let ya know how that goes either tonight or tomorrow morning when I write. Early afternoon yesterday he tested his bloogsugar and it was 240 so it went up 10, but last night it was at 148 WOOHOO!

We made him some sugar-free cheesecake the other night and surprisingly it's not so bad. I've made the decision to eat whatever he has to eat and do whatever he has to do...Last night I made jambalaya with polish sausage and we had a salad also. Hell, maybe I'll finally be healthy too now. :)

I can finally get back down to 118, which is where I was before I got pregnant the first time. After I lost Adrian I hit 130, which wasn't bad, and then got pregnant with Elijah and shot up to 172. A week after I lost him I was only 168...4 pounds lighter, wth. So hopefully I can get my little body back now.

Anyway, I posted some pictures on a different blog, because here I talk about, and plan to talk about, my family and friends, and of course my animals so I figured having some pictures to go with the faces might be nice for you.

Gah, last night I had the worst stomach ache, I was worried because yesterday was the first day I didn't take the antibiotic the doctors gave me to get rid of the infection I got from the placenta...But I feel okay now. I have my 3 week checkup on Thursday, where I will get my results and find out exactly why I lost him...and Adrian too, they never told me anything except there was blood clots.

I also have some pictures of the babies...not ultrasounds but actual pictures but I will only post them if you guys tell me it's alright. It's a sad sight to see, but also amazing. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, so post and tell me if you would like to see them or not. I'll wait until then.

Thanks for reading, and I'll update you guys either later or tomorrow. :) Have a great day! :)

Just a picture

Just wanted to share a picture of my gorgeous wonderful boyfriend. Blogger friends and readers, this is Greg.

Grrrr

Okay, seriously I'm pissed off. I've been calling around all morning looking for a doctor for Greg to go to, no insurance, no family doctor...He hasn't been to a doctor since he was younger, so I'm not having much luck. They either say we're not excepting new patients, or it'll be between $75- $250 just to come in, or you have to make an intake appointment before we can get you in... Does no one understand that he has to get in soon?? Gah!!! I swear if any of those people were standing in front of me. They weren't even polite about shooting me down, they were all rude and cranky, I mean I get that it's Monday at 10 in the morning but sheesh...

Anyway we are going to fill out "intake" paperwork and hopefully get him in within the next couple of days. If I have to yell and scream he'll get in there. What y'all have to realize is that when it comes to someone I love, I am very protective, and very paranoid! So at this point, while he's doing alright, I'm going to make sure he gets in somewhere! I go to this doctor office, and usually everyone is polite and works with you, so maybe once I get there I can work my excellent people skills. Since apparently they aren't working on the phone today. So I'll make sure to let you know how it works out today, and if I don't write it's because I went bazzurk on some snooty receptionist. :) Just kidding :)

We planted the Gardenia bush yesterday, I'll take some pictures of the little guy and get them on here if I can ever figure out how lol. I'm sure it's self explanatory but I'm not really in the mood to figure things out right now.

Oh and Greg told me the other day that as long as I quit smoking (cigarettes of course) by the end of summer we can try again. :D 3rd times the charm maybe?? I'll be so paranoid this whole pregnancy as I'm sure Greg and Mom will be. I won't be allowed to do anything lol. I'll go nuts I know it. I didn't work through this one and I was on the verge on insanity.

Well I don't think there's anything else thats happened so far, I watched Brothers and Sisters last night. Very good show, very good episode. I love Sally Field.

Until Later, or tomorrow, have a great day. Thanks for reading.

Busy day

Sorry I missed writing yesterday, it was a busy busy day. For starters, I don't think I mentioned what happened Friday when Greg got home. He had a really bad headache like, bad...almost in tears kind of bad. And he was having blurred vision and muffled hearing so I started getting really worried because I knew what it was... His whole family has it...

I googled and went to WebMD and typed his symptoms into the symptom finder and sure enough it came back saying that he had it and said to seek medical attention immediately. I went out and got one of those take home tests and made him take it that night and the strip turned blue...Greg has diabetes...

We went to the ER yesterday and got into a room pretty quick, actually. Once we got in she came back and moved us and then moved us again. So by this time its 1:30 and we are sitting in the third place they put us when a male nurse comes in and looks at Greg confused. "Greg?" he asked. "Yes." Greg replied. Looking way confused the male nurse told him to lay back and wheeled him out for a catscan! WTF a catscan? I was freaking out!! After what seemed like a million hours another nurse came back in and asked where Greg was when I told her he was getting a catscan she looked confused and rushed out. Leaving me still freaking out.

Come to find out the catscan was meant for some guy that was in the first room they put us in, he had a stroke and needed the catscan. WHEW! They took his bloodsugar and it came out 230...very high. They gave him vicodin, ibprofin, and flexaral for the pain and we have to get him into the doctor as soon as possible. So tomorrow I'll be making an appointment for him and dragging him there if I have to. Geez, we're a healthy bunch aren't we? I have fibromyalgia, and he has diabetes.

Anyway, I haven't had much time to think about anything but Greg until just a few minutes ago. When Elijah passed and we got his ashes back, I decided I wanted to plant a rose bush or something like it and mix his ashes in with the soil. About a week ago my Aunt sent us a Gardena bush and we planted that today. Once Greg feels better we are going to put his ashes with it. Every year when it blooms, it'll be like he's coming to visit us.

I'll possibly write later, depending on what happens today. Thanks for reading...

Emotionally Retarded=Me

It's already 10:37 am and I'm still sitting around not doing anything. I had a hard day yesterday, and sadly you must read about it...

It started off kind of funky to begin with, I rolled off of our small twin size bed almost taking Greg with me. He's a huge cuddle bear when we're in bed together. No matter what we are doing, he always has to have one hand touching me. I like it though. I came out, got my coffee and continued into my moms room to chat before she started getting ready for work. That's when it started.

We were talking about Adrian and Elijah, as I so often do first thing in the morning, and I realized something that definitely took me aback. Come July, I would have had a 3 year old son and a new born son. Of course I've always known that, but it actually just hit me really hard yesterday. Adrian's birthday is April 22, while mine is April 21, Elijahs is July 2, and Gregs is July 3rd. What's that about, right? Our birthdays are destined to suck for the rest of our lives. Sheesh, talk about being harsh!

Anyway, with April 22 not too far around the corner I've been having a little bit of a hard time anyway, but realizing that my little Adrian would be three is heart-breaking to think about. Later once Greg left for work, I went into my room alone, with my computer and wrote the 2 earlier blogs. (Hoping it would keep my mind off of things.) It worked, but then I was finished and couldn't for life of me, find something else to do. And that's when it happened. I felt it coming, the tightness in my throat, the pain ripping through my chest, the tears spilling from my eyes...So I did what most girls do when they are despressed over anything. I put on the song that reminds me of my precious boys...Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton.

I sat there and cried for a little while, and then before I knew it, I was done. I hate that, I feel like I need to cry more...I need to show more "emotions" besides anger all the time. I feel like if they are looking down on me right now, that they feel as if I don't care as much as I say. I feel...how shall I say this..."emotionally retarded". Perfect phrase right there, thats me!! I've always been that way too...

I left out a vital part of "Julian's story" because it was mostly about me...I used to cut myself when I was younger...I had a huge problem with not talking about my problems...and they would build up and build up until finally I couldn't feel anything anymore and I would cut...It's stupid, it's awful...but it helped at the time...I did this for about a year or two before I finally stopped. But this is a story for another time, the point I'm trying to make is that I've always been a little "emotionally retarded" in one way or another. I can't handle death...It's something I pretty much shut down to, and I didn't mind it much until I lost my children and I have a hard time grieving for them...Adrian I cried for...alot...but with Elijah I'm having such a hard time...

Anyway back to the subject at hand, my crappy day yesterday. (I get sidetracked quite easily...it's a miricle I was able to write a novel at all. Oh by the way, I wrote a novel)
After my small "breakdown" I sucked it all back in and tucked it all away into the back of my mind and tried to move on with my day. I came out into the living room and watched Twilight and New Moon with my 13 year old sister. I LOVE those movies FYI! After that Bones came on, GREAT episode, it made me cry and then I got pissed. I can cry over tv shows and movies but not for my son. GAH!!!

Right when I was getting to the point of throwing things across the room my phone started ringing. You'll never guess who it was, Julian! We talked for almost an hour actually and he made me feel a lot better. Greg had "guys night" last night and wanted to drink a few beers with his buddies, so I told him to stay over there. Drunk driving is stupid driving after all. So all night I was alone in my little room trying my hardest not to think of those sad things that so often push their way into my concious mind. And talking to Julian helped a little. And then we got off the phone and I was left watching Roseanne all night.

Needless to say, I made it through the night, go me!!! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get through it either...I was so worried that being alone in the wretched room would bring up all sorts of awful thoughts, but it didn't. Usually when I'm alone my mind wanders and those thinsg arise...but not last night. I was able to fall asleep. The only reason I didn't sleep well is because I kept picturing Booth crying at the end of Bones. WTF! lol I'm totally messed up.

Anyway that's all for now, my beautiful readers! Thanks for listening... I might write more later if something amazing happens today that I just can't wait to tell you about. Think good thoughts and have a great day!!! :)

Greg's story...

I figured I'd keep writing since it's a beautiful rainy day. You have to love Michigan.

The first time I ever met Greg was when I went to his senior prom (I was a freshman, but I had already dropped out) with his friend Jamie. I was standing in line to get food and all of a sudden someone asked, "You aint gonna get no fried chicken?" I turned around and there he was, Greg all dressed up in his tux and looking yummy. "Imma get me some fried chicken." Was all I said back. And that was it for us for quite awhile. (We still joke about that to this day.)
Once Julian, Greg, Marcy, and I started hanging out, I instantly became attracted to Greg. He was sweet and he actually stuck up for me when Julian was being an ass. At that time Greg smoked pot too, so they would all do it together and occasionally I'd join in, just because while they were laughing at stupid stuff, I was sitting there annoyed. Greg and I became very close friends very quickly. He'd talk to me about Marcy and I'd talk to him about Julian. He got in trouble at one point for smoking pot and never did it again. That was a huge plus in my book when it came to Greg. After him and Marcy broke up he started writing me letters, and I'd write back. I was never unfaithful to Julian during this time. It wasn't until I started actually realizing that the way Greg felt about me was the same way I was beginning to feel about him that we kissed for the first time. Granted that night I was very drunk and threw up on him right after that kiss, but still I realized my feelings that night.
The letters continued, the calls continued, and our friendship grew stronger. Over the course of maybe a year or two Greg and I dated a few times while Julian and I broke up. I always ended up leaving him for Julian though. And he kept taking me back... Greg continued to be there for me through everything Julian did to me, he listened to all my problems and helped me. When we had sex that one time, it was pretty great. He was happy and so was I. At the moment, I didn't know what I wanted though. I loved two guys...two very different guys. And like most women, I chose the wrong one...Once Julian and I got engaged, Greg pretty much gave up. He went away and worked for months, going from state to state, and we began to lose touch...
We talked once in a while but it was nothing like it used to be, and I missed it. I missed him... Everytime he'd come home from working he'd come see me, and I'd give him the biggest and longest hug I had ever given anyone. I was happiest when he was with me, but I still stayed with Julian. Greg had just arrived home a couple days after we lost Adrian, and Julian was no where to be found. I needed to talk, I needed a friend, so I called Greg. He sat there and lsitened about us losing Adrian and about what Julian did. He was great...
Once Julian and I finally broke up in January of 2009 Greg and I started hanging out alot again. Everyday almost. We tried dating in March of that year but come April I broke it off...
Greg liked to drink and party with his friends. Which is fine, we are young, it's what we do. But all I asked from him was that if he was going to drink not to lie about it, otherwise I would be pissed... He went out and drank, after telling me he wasn't going to...a few times. So that last time in April was the last time... He was pissed that I would end it because of that, saying that I gave Julian millions of chances and he did worse things. And as I explained my reasonings to him I realized that I would never fully trust anyone again...I was treated so unfairly with Julian that any small thing Greg does wrong gets blown out of proportion, like the drinking thing.
Anyway, Greg and I continued to hang out and my feelings started growing much stronger as time went on. On August 2, 2009 I finally told Greg that I loved him. After 7 years of him believing it was a one sided love, he finally knew the truth. I explained that I always have but I was too stupid to admit it to anyone but myself. The bad thing was that it was the season for Greg to leave and travel with the job...He left August 2nd to work in Indy for two weeks. Those were the hardest two weeks I'd ever been away from him. And during those two weeks I made the irrational decison to quit my managment position to go with him when he left for the next one, which was 6 weeks. (I don't regret one minute though)
We left and went to Mass to work, we worked for Dr Vegetable. It's a fried veggie stand at fairs and stuff. Very fun btw! During this time our relationship grew much closer, even though he's really cranky when he's working. We got into quite a few arguments at work, but once we stepped out of the trailer we were us again. We concieved Elijah on September 26, 2009. Even though we didn't find out until after we already got home from our 6 week "vacation" from reality.
During the next 6 months of the pregnancy we fought quite a bit...I was uncomfortable, sick, sore, and cranky...like most pregnant women...but I didn't get the part of the pregnancy expierence that the men loved...the overactive sex drive...I didn't even want to be touched in a sexual way. We went a long time without doing anything sexual...I think mostly because I was so worried the entire time that something was going to go wrong like last time... I was afraid to have sex, I was afraid to move...so I stayed home, I didn't work and he understand why and wasn't angry. We live with my mom currently so it wouldn't be as hard as if we were on our own. But the bills still piled up, and money became an issue. We were doing fine paying bills and food and all that, but there wasn't much left over to spend on ourselves. Greg wasn't used to that, so that also became a problem with us.
I loved being pregnant but like I said, I was paranoid. Which made me and Greg's relationship strained. It was getting so stressful for Greg and I both that I had asked him if he just wanted to get away for a couple days. Go stay at his dads house or something and after thinking about it for a few days he agreed to it. He left Saturday, March 20, 2010 to stay at his dads house for 2 days. He was only going to be 10 minutes away...
The night he left, I had a very light pinkish discharge...one that I had a week before and the doctors said was NORMAL! *not normal btw* I started freaking out and called the ER who told me to come in...Elijah hadn't moved in a day or so, which wasn't unusal for him, so I wasn't sure what was going on. I called Greg to tell him to come home and him mom and I would head to the ER. He was over an hour away...drinking...
Now don't think less of Greg...he didn't know anything would happen...he was getting away...much further away than 10 minutes, but getting away none the less. He couldn't get out here that night so mom and I went alone. We sat in the ER until 3 I believe, they did an ultrasound, they checked for the heartbeat...there was nothing there. They said not to worry he could just be in an akward postion, but the bag was low on fluid also...
We came back first thing the next morning with Greg for an ultrasound by the doctor who confirmed our worse nightmares...we lost our sweet Elijah. That same day with all of us running on a couple hours of sleep, they gave those same wretched pills to push me into labor...And at 3:39 in the afternoon on Sunday March 21, 2010 I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. 10 inches and 11 oz.
Greg has been perfect through all of this. He's my angel! He held my hand while I pushed our poor baby out...He rubbed my back as I held our son...He kissed my cheek as I cried for him...Greg has been the ideal partner... We talk about him all the time. He had my feet, but everything else was Greg. The long torso, his long fingers, his long legs. All 10 inches of his beautiful body was Greg, except for his little feet, that was me. And i wouldn't want it any other way.
Here we are almost 3 weeks later and while Greg has cried a number of times, I have only done so a few...I'm still angry. But when I talk about Elijah and think about him, I feel more calm. I'm angry that he was taken from us, but I can't help but be happy for the chance that I knew him. Greg understands this. And while I still look at least 3 months pregnant Greg still says I'm beautiful. He says I'm so strong for going through this twice. He says he looks at me differently now, seeing the pain that I went through and the emotional pain now. He's not angry that I can't cry, he's concerned because I don't.
So here we are, pretty much to date with everything that I've gone through in the past 7 years or so of my life. Not too interesting for you I'm sure, but it sure as hell has sculpted me into who I am right now...
Until next time... thanks for listening.

Julian's story...

It's 10:53 in the morning here in good ol Michigan. Cold, rainy, and wonderful! This is the weather I enjoy most, the kind that makes you want to stay in bed all day and read or write. I had alot to read last night, some comments on my page here and some comments in the forum where I posted. Most of them were very nice and heart-felt...But there was one that caught my eye and actually made me chuckle a little bit... "too bad. girl if i were you i wouldn't make such a dramatic blog. it doesnt make blooger fun (no offense)" Hmm... I thought blogging was about whatever you want it to be about. Now I'm not being rude, because I pretty much get what this person meant, but at the same time. My life is pretty depressing at the moment, it sucks...So instead of sitting here holding it all in until I explode, I'm going to write about it. You don't have to read it or like it, but it's my life and I'd like to put it into words, it's my way of dealing, like so many other bloggers out there. So with that being said; I'm going to continue with my crazy story... (by the way, I've decided to explain more in depth the stuff Julian put me through for the 7 years we were together. Like I said yesterday, it makes it easier to understand why I'm so messed up at 22 years old.) Thanks for reading and listening...
When I met Julian he was exciting and new, different. He's about 5'3 but tries to add another inch or two, chubby, but oh so squishy and cute. He was pretty great when I first met him, funny, silly, kind...It wasn't until we had been hanging out for a few weeks when he started wanting "sexual" things to happen. Being about 14 I was so niave and innocent that I allowed it, I went along with it. I always knew I would be with Julian, I would marry him. From the minute I saw him...(hey hey, I never said it would work out, I just said I'd marry him.)
Julian smoked a lot of pot and liked to party, he was older than me and so much cooler, HAH. After a couple months of Julian and I hanging out, and messing around, (never sex), he got me to try smoking pot. I hated it, I hate the feeling, the eating, the drinking...lol I hate it all, much rather drink than smoke, but that's beside the point. I did it anyway for a few months because I figured if I didn't he would leave, stupid I know. Sure enough once I stopped I found out that he was messing around and having sex with my bestfriend. I had to see them in school, around town, on myspace and everything. Hell they even won Homecoming king and queen, WTF! I couldn't escape them, so I dropped out of school. Rachelle, my bestfriend, was my only friend really at the time. Everyone else didn't like the "new" girl in town. So when they got together I was forced out of the picture. I had no one left, so I did the only thing I thought I could, I dropped out and had my mom homeschool me.
Six months down the line Julian comes running back, and stupidly, I took him. We were together one and off again for the next 7 years. Julian still smoked his pot and still liked to party with his friends, but I stuck around and dealt with it.
Somehow or another Julian and I started hanging out with Greg and his girlfriend Marcy at the time, who I became "bestfriends" with. Long story short, on this part at least, we all hung out everyday. Greg and Marcy split and Greg began to pursue me, knowing that Julian treated me like crap he tried to be my "shoulder" to cry on. But this section of my story isn't really about Greg, it's about Julian. Julian contiuned to break up with me and then call the next day to get back together, after the first 100 times I found out why. Everytime we broke up, he'd go running to some other girl. Oh yeah, he did that. He broke up with me, went and messed around with someone else, and then came back.
I met some of these girls, never was mean or rude to them, because they didn't even know about me. (I hate when girls do that, they snap on the female but not the male. And half the time the woman doesn't even know about you.) I confronted Julian and he said, "Baby, I swear none of those other girls meant anything to me. I love you, I'm sorry." Yep, I believed it...
There was one day Julian was supposed to be at my house, we had plans for something, can't remember what though. I couldn't find him anywhere, he wasn't answering his cell, or his house number. No one knew where he was, so I called Greg, who I so often did in these situations. While he didn't come right out and say when Julian was doing something wrong, I could always pull it out of him without him realizing it. I found out that Julian was at Marcy's house, right acorss the street...I called and called and got no answer, and about 20 minutes later he comes walking in. I'll cut out that conversation because there were a lot of innapropriate words in there...bottom line, he messed around with her.
We broke up for a little while and I actually dated Greg for the first time. The first of many. I broke up with him quite a few times to go back to Julian. In 2006 one of the times Julian and I were broken up, I slept with Greg. Feeling guilty as hell, I told Julian about it. A month later he propsed, I didn't until later realize that the only reason he wanted to get married was because he didn't want me to leave him for Greg. (That didn't work out too well) August 4, 2006 we got married...and had our first "married" fight the next day because I walked in on him smoking pot...he said he hated me, wishes we never got married, told me to die, called me fat and ugly, and many many other things that would bring anyones self esteem down...and a two years of that followed...Everytime we fought, which was practically everyday, I was told those things. I was made fun of and called a "Bible thumper", "Goodie two shoes" and a bunch of other stupid things because I didn't drink or party...Greg was there for all of that with me.
In 2007 Julian's mom passed away and we were both devestated. I always thought Julian treated me the way he did and did the things he did because his mom was sick...Not to mention the fact that he got shot in the head with a bb gun when he was 11...(he almost died) So I figured that it would just take longer to work through things with him than someone who hadn't been through all of that. I was wrong, he just didn't want to change.
The day I realized that Julian had to go, was the day we lost our son Adrian in October of 2007(no heartbeat). I sat at home and took the pills they gave me to "pass" the baby. I went into full labor, the only thing I didn't have to do was push the baby out, I was only 11 weeks. During labor, he was sleeping...while I was puking, he was sleeping, while I was crying, he was sleeping. Julian slept through all of it, while my mom sat there and held my hair, my hand, and rubbed my back. I was in labor from 5 pm until 5 am. And once Julian got up that morning he dissapeared for 3 days...no word, no phone call, no warning. When he came home I told him to get out! And with the exception of a few times that he came over to "talk" about "us" we never got back together.
I'm still not divorced because up until a few months ago he was refusing to sign the papers. Refusing to believe it was over...We talk now, we're friends...but nothing more. Oh and I forgot to mention, after I lost Adrian they did a number of tests on me and found out that I had HPV and possible cervical cancer from it...because Julian cheated on me after we got married, and probably continued to. The HPV is gone and there is no cancer, THANK GOD!
I have forgiven Julian for all he has done to mean, the emotional abuse, the shoving and pushing, the leaving me home alone all the time to party, leaving me at the hardest time of my life...Julian's a 26 year old child...what did I expect? While I forgive him for those things,I won't forget them...And unfortunetly the things he put me through have taken a small toll on Greg and I...My insecurities get in the way of our relationship and he is nothing like Julian. But Thats the next post...
Currently Julian has a girlfriend who smokes pot and loves to party. God help us if they reproduce!!!

First blog...my life

This blog is supposed to be my place to come to when I need to talk or vent about my two children that I lost...but I'm going to start a little further ahead of the first son I lost so that you can get some insight into my twisted little mind...maybe understand me a little better... Don't worry I won't go on and on about my sad life story because to be honest, it's a good life except for the "love" part...
I was almost 14 years old when I met Julian. He was nothing like the type of guys I usually went for, he was short and stocky and chubby and to top it all off he acted like one of those guys on tv that walk around with the pants past their butts. Not my type at all, but I was young and new to town and he paid me attention. We became friends first, like most couples, and later started "dating" secretly...secretly because he was also dating my bestfriend, which I knew nothing about, so no judging.
When I found out I ended things and told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. So for almost six months I didn't. They broke up and he came running back to lil ol me. And of course I took him in. Little did I know that for the next seven years I was going to be taking him back and kicking him out over and over again.
Julian's best friend was Greg. Greg is a simple version of Will Smith, in my opinion... He's gorgeous, sweet, kind...My kind of guy. Greg began pursuing me not long after I met him, even knowing I was with Julian. I liked him...and later began to love him, but I still stayed with Julian. The one who made me feel stupid and weak and unloved...Greg was there through it all.
On July 26, 2007 Julian's mother passed away of cancer that she had been fighting for almost as long as I knew them. On July 27th, we concieved a baby...During the pregnancy I was mistreated, left alone, fought with, and more importantly miserable...but I continued to stay with him. At 11 almost 12 weeks pregnant I lost our son Adrian to a miscarriage. Julian wasn't there...and the day after it happened he took off for three days with no word. In my time of need I turned to Greg.
Long story short, I finally got to the point where I realized after years and years of dealing with a 25 year old child, that it was time to move on. Time to find someone who didn't smoke pot and want to party all the time. Greg was there, for everything. And at my worst he told me I was beautiful and special...We began dating, even though I was still getting over things with Julian. It was too soon, and I broke it off with him. We did this on and off again thing a few more times before it finally stuck in August 2009. I went away with him to work for 6 weeks, and on September 26th 2009 we concieved our son Elijah.
Greg and I had problems through this pregnancy, but nothing out of the ordinary...sex, money etc... easy fixes, small arguments... On March 21, 2010 We found out our son did not make it. I was 25 weeks pregnant and devestated. My whole life was crashing down around me again. But Greg was there. And unlike last time, I had to think about not only myself but the father of the baby too. Here we are a little over 2 weeks later, and I have only cried a few times...I think of my boys constantly, I wonder what they look like, who they are...I long for their little bodies to be craddled in my arms...something that I will never have. But I can't cry anymore...I'm angry all the time. I can't look at children, I can't look at a pregnant woman... They took pictures of him for me at the hospital after I had him, and he was gorgeous! He would have looked just like Greg, all he had of me was my feet. My middle toe slightly longer and gapped from my big toe. That's what I remember, all I really remember...He was beautiful and he had my feet.
Is that wrong? Is it wrong that I can't cry because when I think of him it makes me smile? I'm of course devestated, heart-broken, but when I look at the pictures of his beautiful face I smile because he was mine...my son, my precious child. Is it wrong, that I already want to try again? I want to feel the little kicks that so often took me off guard. I want to know that when I talk someone will be in there listening to my voice like it's the most wonderful thing on earth. I want to feel myself growing with my child and know that in a 9 month frame I would have him to hold in my arms... Is it wrong to want that after only 17 days of my sweet Elijah being taken from me? And most importantly is it wrong to be so absolutly angry with God for allowing me to expierence these wonderful pregnancies and then snatching them away from me in the blink of an eye? I have many questions, but I will save them for next time. There is alot of information in this one blog, and I think I'll leave you with this for now. I love my boys, my Adrian and Elijah, and I know I'll see them again one day.