This blog is supposed to be my place to come to when I need to talk or vent about my two children that I lost...but I'm going to start a little further ahead of the first son I lost so that you can get some insight into my twisted little mind...maybe understand me a little better... Don't worry I won't go on and on about my sad life story because to be honest, it's a good life except for the "love" part...
I was almost 14 years old when I met Julian. He was nothing like the type of guys I usually went for, he was short and stocky and chubby and to top it all off he acted like one of those guys on tv that walk around with the pants past their butts. Not my type at all, but I was young and new to town and he paid me attention. We became friends first, like most couples, and later started "dating" secretly...secretly because he was also dating my bestfriend, which I knew nothing about, so no judging.
When I found out I ended things and told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. So for almost six months I didn't. They broke up and he came running back to lil ol me. And of course I took him in. Little did I know that for the next seven years I was going to be taking him back and kicking him out over and over again.
Julian's best friend was Greg. Greg is a simple version of Will Smith, in my opinion... He's gorgeous, sweet, kind...My kind of guy. Greg began pursuing me not long after I met him, even knowing I was with Julian. I liked him...and later began to love him, but I still stayed with Julian. The one who made me feel stupid and weak and unloved...Greg was there through it all.
On July 26, 2007 Julian's mother passed away of cancer that she had been fighting for almost as long as I knew them. On July 27th, we concieved a baby...During the pregnancy I was mistreated, left alone, fought with, and more importantly miserable...but I continued to stay with him. At 11 almost 12 weeks pregnant I lost our son Adrian to a miscarriage. Julian wasn't there...and the day after it happened he took off for three days with no word. In my time of need I turned to Greg.
Long story short, I finally got to the point where I realized after years and years of dealing with a 25 year old child, that it was time to move on. Time to find someone who didn't smoke pot and want to party all the time. Greg was there, for everything. And at my worst he told me I was beautiful and special...We began dating, even though I was still getting over things with Julian. It was too soon, and I broke it off with him. We did this on and off again thing a few more times before it finally stuck in August 2009. I went away with him to work for 6 weeks, and on September 26th 2009 we concieved our son Elijah.
Greg and I had problems through this pregnancy, but nothing out of the ordinary...sex, money etc... easy fixes, small arguments... On March 21, 2010 We found out our son did not make it. I was 25 weeks pregnant and devestated. My whole life was crashing down around me again. But Greg was there. And unlike last time, I had to think about not only myself but the father of the baby too. Here we are a little over 2 weeks later, and I have only cried a few times...I think of my boys constantly, I wonder what they look like, who they are...I long for their little bodies to be craddled in my arms...something that I will never have. But I can't cry anymore...I'm angry all the time. I can't look at children, I can't look at a pregnant woman... They took pictures of him for me at the hospital after I had him, and he was gorgeous! He would have looked just like Greg, all he had of me was my feet. My middle toe slightly longer and gapped from my big toe. That's what I remember, all I really remember...He was beautiful and he had my feet.
Is that wrong? Is it wrong that I can't cry because when I think of him it makes me smile? I'm of course devestated, heart-broken, but when I look at the pictures of his beautiful face I smile because he was mine...my son, my precious child. Is it wrong, that I already want to try again? I want to feel the little kicks that so often took me off guard. I want to know that when I talk someone will be in there listening to my voice like it's the most wonderful thing on earth. I want to feel myself growing with my child and know that in a 9 month frame I would have him to hold in my arms... Is it wrong to want that after only 17 days of my sweet Elijah being taken from me? And most importantly is it wrong to be so absolutly angry with God for allowing me to expierence these wonderful pregnancies and then snatching them away from me in the blink of an eye? I have many questions, but I will save them for next time. There is alot of information in this one blog, and I think I'll leave you with this for now. I love my boys, my Adrian and Elijah, and I know I'll see them again one day.
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hello Nolie, I'd just like to share my opinion,
ReplyDeleteI feel you have every right to feel the way you do, smiling when you think of your babies is beautiful, who says you have to cry? who put a time limit on low we gotta cry over those we've lost, plus why not celebrate the time you had with them, they are your babies!
my grandmother lost 2 kids, yet it seems like she didnt, she had 2 after that, and she still celebrates the birthdays of the ones she "lost" she is happy when she talks about them, and thats something that I like, i never feel bad for her, now i dont know how long it took her to get to that point, but maybe you are closer than you know,
you deserve to honor what you want, A BABY!! and honor yourself,
no one can say you are wrong for feeling how you do, they are YOUR feelings,
you are very young, honor your kids by living it up,
Thank you very much for your kind words. It's nice to gear that I'm not crazy. :)
ReplyDeleteYou should most definately not feel like you are crazy. My sister lost her first child, a little girl, when she was only four months old. She was four months premature and died around the time she should have been born. Not a day goes by (and it has been nine years) that my sister doesn't think about her.
ReplyDeleteAfter she passed, my sister was mad at God. It took her a very long time to get right with him again, but she has done it. Shen ow has two rambutious little boys.
Although the pain never goes away, it does get better. Just keep honoring their memories, that keeps them "alive" and with you.
You will go through a series of emotions over the next few months, and I hope Greg is there for you. It willb e hard on both of you, but be strong for each other. this blog can be very therapuetic for you as well.
I am sending you good vibes.
Thank you amber I really appreciate it! There have been a few rude people telling me that I'm not making blogger fun because it's a depressing
ReplyDeletetopic. But this is my life right now and it is depressing... So I'm blogging about it, isn't that what we are here for? To blog?? Anyway thank u very much and I hope ucontinue to follow my blogs. I can never get enough words of wisdom. :)
Nolie, I don't have your experience, but I am listening. Be brave to move on, take a rest now, will pray for you. :)
ReplyDeleteNolie, I have not had an experience like you, I am actually a new mom; reading this makes me really sad and very thankful in the same time. I think you have every right to blog about what ever you want, it does not have to be a fun topic. I will be following you, and I hope that you will be able to conceive and carry to full term.
ReplyDeleteThank you new mom...congrats on your little one. and thank you for reading. :)
ReplyDeletethank you also protoworkannie.
Nolie, those some of "people" in the blog forums are losers. I mean, a few in particular are in there ALL THE TIME it seems, I mean....what kind of life do you have if all you have to do all day is sit in the freaking Blogger Coffeeshop and wait for someone to make a thread. And then when you make the thread, they come in and tear you down because it is not something THEY want to hear. I saw your exchange with one "chcik" in particular who thinks she is smarter and more clever thatn everyone else, well all I have to say aobut her is LOSER.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up and keep blogging. I am one of your followers now.