Well I had another law office call me on Friday but apparently I missed the call. My cell didn't ring or anything and I found the voice mail on there yesterday. So come tomorrow morning I will call them back... I'm still waiting for the doctors office to call, obviously they won't call today though. So hopefully they call tomorrow and tell me what the hell happened with Elijah so I know what to do and not to do.
I thought I might have been pregnant a few days ago, I was a few days late on my period, even though it was only my second one since I lost Elijah and I was sick to my stomach for like almost a week. But I got it on Saturday so obviously I'm not. I was hoping I was but at the same time not wanting to be until I find out what happened this last time.
Saturday and Sunday, as well as today, I have sat here and done nothing. I've decided that Dean, the guy who runs Nancys, which is the place where I was supposed to start working like a month ago, is a jerk! He has a bunch of 15 and 16 yr old girls that have come back to work and they aren't even out of school yet, but a 22 yr old woman who actually has bills to pay can't come back. It pisses me off, he keeps telling Greg, she can come back soon, but I don't see it happening. I have bills, I need a job, and instead of bringing back someone who needs the work he has a bunch of kids come in and work that spend their money on drugs and booze. It's bullshit!
I filled out an application for a Family Dollar that they are building here, supposedly it's supposed to be up in about 5 or 6 weeks I think. I don't know if I'll get that job, but either way I'm going to fill out applications for a bunch of places, Greg said he could take me to and from work, since I refuse to get my license. So I have a wide range of places to find a job, which is nice. But that will obviously have to wait until tomorrow since most places are closed today or will be closing early.
Something fell off of moms car last night, very weird. But she can still drive it to and from work, which is only about 3 minutes from the house. So I guess it's not that big of a deal. I might have to cancel my doctors appointment on Thursday because I don't have my co-pay money for the appointment. You know because I HAVEN'T STARTED WORK AND ALL, bastard...
Anywho, I'm going to go find pick up the house since Kristine isn't doing the crap she's supposed to. She's out of school and now all of a sudden she won't do shit around the house. I can't wait for her and Josh to move out, it'll be a lot more peaceful.
Happy Blogging!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
MY night last night!!
I first want to thank you for your support and comments. He's a good guy, this is just one huge flaw. And trust me I won't put up with it if he continues. But last night we came to an agreement...I was to go out with him last night and he will be coming home tonight.
When we first got to his dads house, which is right across the street from the St. Marys Fest. that goes on every year around this time. That is where the beer tent was where we were supposed to spend all night at. Anyway, when we first got there I was still angry with him, naturally, but we compromised so I was trying to stick to my end of it. We sat around his house for awhile and then decided to stop over at the beer tent.
The main people that worked with us in Mass were there. So we sat had a couple beers and talked to them for awhile and then all of a sudden all my friends, people I haven't seen since before I got married, showed up. I used to spend every day with these guys, I was excited to see them. We hung out for a little longer and then decided to go bk to his house because there was a stash of beer over there to drink, it was much cheaper doing it this way, trust me!
When we got back over there everyone was gone...well all Gregs friends, so we stayed and hung out with mine. :) They were playing beer pong in the beer tent run by a bunch of people in the late 50s early 60s, pretty funny stuff. By midnight when they closed I was covered in beer from everyone swaying around and tripping over the flat concrete. I was buzzed pretty good myself, but no where near these guys. And they were heading to another place to drink, a bar about a 1/2 a mile down the road.
They kept asking if I wanted to go, and to tell the truth I did a little. I mean I was tired and I wasn't going to drink anymore, because I am not a drinker anyway, but being with my old friends made me feel like I didn't miss out on anything. Like I was back to being 17 and nothing changed. They looked to Greg who said he just wanted to go back to the house because he had to work. So we did. And you know how people get when they drink, they start those heart to hearts right when you lay down to sleep. He always does that, I don't mind it, it's the only time he tells me how he feels besides saying "I love you" everyday.
Anyway we finally went to sleep and I woke up at like 6 or something. I was pissed. I don't sleep well in any bed but my own...So here I am sitting at home, wanting so badly to crawl into my own bed and sleep the day away because I am so tired. But I won't. Mom will be home in a few hours, I have to clean the house because its trashed, which pisses me off because no one else even thought of doing it, I gotta take a shower, and then decide if I want to go back out with Greg tonight for a couple hours. He wants me to come out because all his friends from around here, the ones we hang out with all the time, are coming out tonight, and quite possibly my lovely soon to be ex-husband, haha. That's almost worth going right there, that would be a priceless moment!!
Anywho, I don't know if I'm going to go though, Greg said he'd be home around 11ish which isn't too late but I don't know. I guess it depends on how I feel after I drink this lovely cup of coffee in front of me! :D
Happy Blogging!!!
When we first got to his dads house, which is right across the street from the St. Marys Fest. that goes on every year around this time. That is where the beer tent was where we were supposed to spend all night at. Anyway, when we first got there I was still angry with him, naturally, but we compromised so I was trying to stick to my end of it. We sat around his house for awhile and then decided to stop over at the beer tent.
The main people that worked with us in Mass were there. So we sat had a couple beers and talked to them for awhile and then all of a sudden all my friends, people I haven't seen since before I got married, showed up. I used to spend every day with these guys, I was excited to see them. We hung out for a little longer and then decided to go bk to his house because there was a stash of beer over there to drink, it was much cheaper doing it this way, trust me!
When we got back over there everyone was gone...well all Gregs friends, so we stayed and hung out with mine. :) They were playing beer pong in the beer tent run by a bunch of people in the late 50s early 60s, pretty funny stuff. By midnight when they closed I was covered in beer from everyone swaying around and tripping over the flat concrete. I was buzzed pretty good myself, but no where near these guys. And they were heading to another place to drink, a bar about a 1/2 a mile down the road.
They kept asking if I wanted to go, and to tell the truth I did a little. I mean I was tired and I wasn't going to drink anymore, because I am not a drinker anyway, but being with my old friends made me feel like I didn't miss out on anything. Like I was back to being 17 and nothing changed. They looked to Greg who said he just wanted to go back to the house because he had to work. So we did. And you know how people get when they drink, they start those heart to hearts right when you lay down to sleep. He always does that, I don't mind it, it's the only time he tells me how he feels besides saying "I love you" everyday.
Anyway we finally went to sleep and I woke up at like 6 or something. I was pissed. I don't sleep well in any bed but my own...So here I am sitting at home, wanting so badly to crawl into my own bed and sleep the day away because I am so tired. But I won't. Mom will be home in a few hours, I have to clean the house because its trashed, which pisses me off because no one else even thought of doing it, I gotta take a shower, and then decide if I want to go back out with Greg tonight for a couple hours. He wants me to come out because all his friends from around here, the ones we hang out with all the time, are coming out tonight, and quite possibly my lovely soon to be ex-husband, haha. That's almost worth going right there, that would be a priceless moment!!
Anywho, I don't know if I'm going to go though, Greg said he'd be home around 11ish which isn't too late but I don't know. I guess it depends on how I feel after I drink this lovely cup of coffee in front of me! :D
Happy Blogging!!!
Friday, May 28, 2010
One more strike and he's out! Seriously!!!
I'm very irritated. I'm pissed off, I'm hurt, and I seriously want to punch Greg in the face! Wednesday night he made a comment about going on tonight and asked if I wanted to go, I said sure. And then he said well we are gonna be staying the night at my dads house so we can get wasted. (I'm using my own words here) I don't stay away from my house, I do not sleep in any bed unless its my own. Or unless its absolutely necessary.
His dads house is 10 minutes away from ours, why in the hell would I want to stay there when I'm so close to home. I never stay out and he knows it! I have too many problems, I feel sick all the time and if I don't feel well I'd like to be in my own house and not in someone elses where I would feel completely awkward. He knows all this but for some reason he seriously still expected me to go.
I've mentioned before that Greg agreed to not drink unless I was there because he turns into this huge flirt! Well I'm not going tonight and he's still going out to get drunk with all his little buddies and stay the night out at his "dads" house. And then do it all over again tomorrow night too!
Now I'm not just pissed about the fact that he's going out to get drunk when he always said he wouldn't drink unless I was around. I'm pissed because I feel that since we are in an adult relationship, you don't get completely shit faced to the point where you can't dive 10 minutes to come home to your girlfriend. You go out for a few hours hang out and a couple beers, but come the hell home! I'm pissed because he's staying out not once, but twice in a row, when he knows how much I hate it!
I have barely spoken to him since Wednesday night. We fought yesterday and I gave him his freaking way so that I don't have to deal with him acting like a crazy ass because he couldn't go! It's so rude how he's not taking my feelings into consideration here. He doesn't give a shit that I'm angry and upset and hurt because he's being a dick and doing whatever the hell he wants to without thinking of me.
I told him from day one, before we even started dating that I hated when he drinks. I told him I would not be with him unless he quit. So he said he would. Then a few months later it was, "well I'll drink once in a while." then it was, "I'll only drink with you around." Now he's just going out to get drunk no matter how I feel about it or what I say about it! I can't stand him right now! I don't want to look at him, I don't want to talk to him!!
Last night he kept tugging on my arm, trying to play with me. What the hell is he thinking? I even told the selfish prick not to expect me to be in any form of a good mood with him anytime soon, and yet he's going to sit there and mess with me? It took all my mite not to turn around and start freaking yelling!!!!!!!!
As you can see I'm very very angry and upset!!! More and more he's started to do shit that Julian did to me. I will not put up with another 7 years of stupid shit that I don't deserve to go through! I more strike and I am finished, seriously!!!! I don't deserve this kind of treatment! I want someone who will choose ME over drinking or pot or whatever the hell their drug of choice is! Not someone who doesn't even take my feelings into consideration!!
I'm done, I don't want to talk anymore...I'll just end up talking in circles anyway...I'm going to try and find something calming to do before I end up on the news for beating the hell out of my boyfriend.
P.s. I still haven't talked to the doctor yet, about the results, but I'll keep you all posted!!!
His dads house is 10 minutes away from ours, why in the hell would I want to stay there when I'm so close to home. I never stay out and he knows it! I have too many problems, I feel sick all the time and if I don't feel well I'd like to be in my own house and not in someone elses where I would feel completely awkward. He knows all this but for some reason he seriously still expected me to go.
I've mentioned before that Greg agreed to not drink unless I was there because he turns into this huge flirt! Well I'm not going tonight and he's still going out to get drunk with all his little buddies and stay the night out at his "dads" house. And then do it all over again tomorrow night too!
Now I'm not just pissed about the fact that he's going out to get drunk when he always said he wouldn't drink unless I was around. I'm pissed because I feel that since we are in an adult relationship, you don't get completely shit faced to the point where you can't dive 10 minutes to come home to your girlfriend. You go out for a few hours hang out and a couple beers, but come the hell home! I'm pissed because he's staying out not once, but twice in a row, when he knows how much I hate it!
I have barely spoken to him since Wednesday night. We fought yesterday and I gave him his freaking way so that I don't have to deal with him acting like a crazy ass because he couldn't go! It's so rude how he's not taking my feelings into consideration here. He doesn't give a shit that I'm angry and upset and hurt because he's being a dick and doing whatever the hell he wants to without thinking of me.
I told him from day one, before we even started dating that I hated when he drinks. I told him I would not be with him unless he quit. So he said he would. Then a few months later it was, "well I'll drink once in a while." then it was, "I'll only drink with you around." Now he's just going out to get drunk no matter how I feel about it or what I say about it! I can't stand him right now! I don't want to look at him, I don't want to talk to him!!
Last night he kept tugging on my arm, trying to play with me. What the hell is he thinking? I even told the selfish prick not to expect me to be in any form of a good mood with him anytime soon, and yet he's going to sit there and mess with me? It took all my mite not to turn around and start freaking yelling!!!!!!!!
As you can see I'm very very angry and upset!!! More and more he's started to do shit that Julian did to me. I will not put up with another 7 years of stupid shit that I don't deserve to go through! I more strike and I am finished, seriously!!!! I don't deserve this kind of treatment! I want someone who will choose ME over drinking or pot or whatever the hell their drug of choice is! Not someone who doesn't even take my feelings into consideration!!
I'm done, I don't want to talk anymore...I'll just end up talking in circles anyway...I'm going to try and find something calming to do before I end up on the news for beating the hell out of my boyfriend.
P.s. I still haven't talked to the doctor yet, about the results, but I'll keep you all posted!!!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Nervous...
Well the doctors office just called me, yes the one I was trying to sue. But it was the nurse and doctor that I like. Anyway they called to tell me that my placenta report is finally in. I couldn't make it to the appointment they asked me to come in for so I asked if they could do it over the phone. She said she doesn't see a reason why they can't but she is going to check with the doctor and have her call me back.
I'm so nervous. I don't know what I'm expecting them to say exactly, maybe that I can't have children because something will always go wrong at one point in the pregnancy. Or that I will never be able to have them period. Or maybe I can have them but I'll but under so much observation...I don't I'm scared to find out.
Once they call and give me the report I will blog and let you all know what was said. Please think good thoughts...I need to be a mother, that is what I was born to do. I have no other dreams or aspirations. Having a family is all I have ever wanted...It can't be taken away from me.
I'm so nervous. I don't know what I'm expecting them to say exactly, maybe that I can't have children because something will always go wrong at one point in the pregnancy. Or that I will never be able to have them period. Or maybe I can have them but I'll but under so much observation...I don't I'm scared to find out.
Once they call and give me the report I will blog and let you all know what was said. Please think good thoughts...I need to be a mother, that is what I was born to do. I have no other dreams or aspirations. Having a family is all I have ever wanted...It can't be taken away from me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Pogo is my obsession
The lady from the lawyers office called yesterday. She said because there isn't really any proof that Elijah would have survived if they brought me in they couldn't help me. She was very nice and apologized and said she really wishes that she could help me. I'm not mad, I'm disappointed, but I kind of already figured that would be the outcome. I still have an appointment on Friday to talk to another lawyer, I doubt they can help me either, but it's worth a try.
I'm going to keep trying unless I'm told that absolutely no one will help me. This would be a different situation if I lived in a different state, Michigans laws are so screwed up it's not even funny.
I don't know if I mentioned this already but I have to wait until Greg gets out of school to get pregnant again. So that's like 3 years. I hate the idea, but I don't have a choice now do I? My eggs can't make a baby on their own... So that sucks for me!!
I "should" be starting at Nancys again soon, I quote "Should" because I have been told that since like April... I'm getting so sick of not being able to help pay for bills and food and all that. I clean Daddys house every other week and he gives me $20 but that doesn't really help anything. I'm going to have to cancel my doctors appointment again because I probably won't have the money for it by the 3rd since I still haven't started work yet... This is getting ridiculous.
I just teamed up with Josh and cleaned the house so no one else has to today. I had to make a chore list because everyone was bitching everytime they were told to clean something so now everyone has their own days where they do stuff. It's working really well. And occasionally, like today, someone will do all the work and every one else gets the "day off" so to speak... Anyway, I'm going to go play on Pogo.com
If you haven't played pogo before, you must go make an account, it's free. Unless you get Club Pogo like I have, which is much better. No ads and you win badges for each game you play and also get "jackpot" spins where you can actually win real money. I pay $5 a month or you can do $40 a year. Either way it's well worth the money. If you do decide to play pogo, add me as a friend, Nolie0804
Okay now that I've made myself sound like an ad agency trying to push pogo on people, I'm going to return to my beloved game site and play all day long. Since I have nothing else to do.
Happy Blogging, and hopefully Happy Pogo Playing! :)
I'm going to keep trying unless I'm told that absolutely no one will help me. This would be a different situation if I lived in a different state, Michigans laws are so screwed up it's not even funny.
I don't know if I mentioned this already but I have to wait until Greg gets out of school to get pregnant again. So that's like 3 years. I hate the idea, but I don't have a choice now do I? My eggs can't make a baby on their own... So that sucks for me!!
I "should" be starting at Nancys again soon, I quote "Should" because I have been told that since like April... I'm getting so sick of not being able to help pay for bills and food and all that. I clean Daddys house every other week and he gives me $20 but that doesn't really help anything. I'm going to have to cancel my doctors appointment again because I probably won't have the money for it by the 3rd since I still haven't started work yet... This is getting ridiculous.
I just teamed up with Josh and cleaned the house so no one else has to today. I had to make a chore list because everyone was bitching everytime they were told to clean something so now everyone has their own days where they do stuff. It's working really well. And occasionally, like today, someone will do all the work and every one else gets the "day off" so to speak... Anyway, I'm going to go play on Pogo.com
If you haven't played pogo before, you must go make an account, it's free. Unless you get Club Pogo like I have, which is much better. No ads and you win badges for each game you play and also get "jackpot" spins where you can actually win real money. I pay $5 a month or you can do $40 a year. Either way it's well worth the money. If you do decide to play pogo, add me as a friend, Nolie0804
Okay now that I've made myself sound like an ad agency trying to push pogo on people, I'm going to return to my beloved game site and play all day long. Since I have nothing else to do.
Happy Blogging, and hopefully Happy Pogo Playing! :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Gross moment
I have been on the phone all morning calling places looking for a job...I found two places that are hiring, Pizza Hut (which I've already worked at and hated it) and this little clothes store here in town. (which is only hiring for Saturday and Sunday) So it looks like I'm screwed. I'll be starting at Nancys something around Memorial Day, so that's not too far away but I wanted something year round also. :(
I still haven't heard back from the lawyers office. Maybe I'm being blown off, who knows? I had to cancel my doctors appointment today, because Greg had to work so he couldn't bring me. Which sucks because I have this huge lump on my right wrist and it hurts like all hell when I move it. Greg said he thinks it might be a cist which is fine but it hurts and I want them to fix it. Plus my body is soooo achy and the meds aren't working anymore, so I needed this appointment. I have another one on June3rd, so hopefully I can make it to that one.
I haven't mentioned this before because it's embarrassing and gross but I'm going to say it now in hopes that someone has experienced it and can give me advice. It's been almost 9 weeks since we lost Elijah and since the day I gave birth I have had hemorrhoids. They're small but very painful, and on top of that one of my lovely symptoms of Fibromyalgia is constipation...That mixed with the hemorrhoids is a bad mixture because when I go it hurts because it's so hard and it also hurts because of the hemorrhoids. I have used the cream but it doesn't seem to be helping. I swear I need one of those doughnut things you sit on. :( Okay so I apologize for grossing you all out, but I need someone to tell me what to do here. I'm in agonizing pain everyday from this. I dread going to the bathroom.
Okay I'm done talking about that now, but seriously if anyone knows what I should do, let me know. lol
Happy Blogging!!
I still haven't heard back from the lawyers office. Maybe I'm being blown off, who knows? I had to cancel my doctors appointment today, because Greg had to work so he couldn't bring me. Which sucks because I have this huge lump on my right wrist and it hurts like all hell when I move it. Greg said he thinks it might be a cist which is fine but it hurts and I want them to fix it. Plus my body is soooo achy and the meds aren't working anymore, so I needed this appointment. I have another one on June3rd, so hopefully I can make it to that one.
I haven't mentioned this before because it's embarrassing and gross but I'm going to say it now in hopes that someone has experienced it and can give me advice. It's been almost 9 weeks since we lost Elijah and since the day I gave birth I have had hemorrhoids. They're small but very painful, and on top of that one of my lovely symptoms of Fibromyalgia is constipation...That mixed with the hemorrhoids is a bad mixture because when I go it hurts because it's so hard and it also hurts because of the hemorrhoids. I have used the cream but it doesn't seem to be helping. I swear I need one of those doughnut things you sit on. :( Okay so I apologize for grossing you all out, but I need someone to tell me what to do here. I'm in agonizing pain everyday from this. I dread going to the bathroom.
Okay I'm done talking about that now, but seriously if anyone knows what I should do, let me know. lol
Happy Blogging!!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
quick recap
I figured I'd give you all a quick recap of things. First, I still have no news from the law office. God, I hope we have a case. I really feel that they deserve to be embarrassed and feel like total and utter shit for what they have done. They deserve to feel the pain of knowing that they may have been able to prevent the death of a tiny little baby boy, someones son.
Don't worry I won't go on and on about how angry I am again, I know you're probably getting sick of it... I'll move on to the next point of recap. Secondly, Gregs diabetes is finally under control, his blood sugar is normal every day now. He hasn't gotten any headaches or anything. He's doing really good. He also will be starting school in the fall, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that or not...but he is.
And because of that...he won't be able to work much, so I will have to work. Meaning I can't get pregnant like I wanted to because I can't work while I'm pregnant. So I have to wait 3 years to have a baby...I hate it, it upsets me to no end, it kills me to think of waiting that long. But I don't have a choice, it's not about me now. It's about Greg, and Greg is going back to school. WHile I flip burgers and the nearest burger joint. We will be a great couple.
Okay maybe writing isn't such a good idea today, I woke up in this whole, self pity type of mood. So before I make you all hate me and think I'm the biggest whiner in the world, I'm going to go. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens with the lawyer and my placenta results.
Happy Blogging!!
Don't worry I won't go on and on about how angry I am again, I know you're probably getting sick of it... I'll move on to the next point of recap. Secondly, Gregs diabetes is finally under control, his blood sugar is normal every day now. He hasn't gotten any headaches or anything. He's doing really good. He also will be starting school in the fall, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that or not...but he is.
And because of that...he won't be able to work much, so I will have to work. Meaning I can't get pregnant like I wanted to because I can't work while I'm pregnant. So I have to wait 3 years to have a baby...I hate it, it upsets me to no end, it kills me to think of waiting that long. But I don't have a choice, it's not about me now. It's about Greg, and Greg is going back to school. WHile I flip burgers and the nearest burger joint. We will be a great couple.
Okay maybe writing isn't such a good idea today, I woke up in this whole, self pity type of mood. So before I make you all hate me and think I'm the biggest whiner in the world, I'm going to go. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens with the lawyer and my placenta results.
Happy Blogging!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
No news is good news? or bad news?
The woman from the law firm never called yesterday. I don't know if I should take that as a bad sign or a good sign. I mean she was waiting for someone else to call her before she contacted me again, so maybe that is why she didn't call. Or maybe they are looking more into it, to see if I have a strong enough case...Or maybe they just know they can't help me and are not wanting to break the bad news to me. I wish she would call to at least tell me what's going on...
My results from my placenta still aren't in yet. It's so frustrating waiting for this. I figure once I get those results maybe they will be beneficial to my case...maybe it will make it a stronger case to where someone will want to help me. I don't know, all I know is that I want the results, I want to sue them, and I want them to know how much we are all hurting because of their stubborn stupid mistake.
On a lighter note, my friend is talking to me again, Joe. He wrote me back the day I wrote him that first email, and by the next day we were talking again. We haven't hung out or anything like that, I won't push it. But at least we can talk again. I feel like I'm being selfish by being his friend again, does that make any sense to anyone? But i am glad, it's nice to talk to him and have someone to chit chat with about movies and books and all that. Greg doesn't get into movies or books unless they are about sports.
The only sports movies I watch are movies that have other things about them also like, Remember the Titans, The Blind Side, movies like that. He watches movies that are straight up about sports. BLAH lol
Anyway, I don't have much else to say, so I'm going to go play on pogo.com for awhile. :)
Happy Blogging!!
My results from my placenta still aren't in yet. It's so frustrating waiting for this. I figure once I get those results maybe they will be beneficial to my case...maybe it will make it a stronger case to where someone will want to help me. I don't know, all I know is that I want the results, I want to sue them, and I want them to know how much we are all hurting because of their stubborn stupid mistake.
On a lighter note, my friend is talking to me again, Joe. He wrote me back the day I wrote him that first email, and by the next day we were talking again. We haven't hung out or anything like that, I won't push it. But at least we can talk again. I feel like I'm being selfish by being his friend again, does that make any sense to anyone? But i am glad, it's nice to talk to him and have someone to chit chat with about movies and books and all that. Greg doesn't get into movies or books unless they are about sports.
The only sports movies I watch are movies that have other things about them also like, Remember the Titans, The Blind Side, movies like that. He watches movies that are straight up about sports. BLAH lol
Anyway, I don't have much else to say, so I'm going to go play on pogo.com for awhile. :)
Happy Blogging!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
I might have a case!!
Well I talked to a women the other day, what was it...Wednesday. She is from a law firm in Kzoo I'm assuming. The first day I talked to her she said she was not very optimistic about me having a case against the doctors office, but she said she would still talk to the attorneys there to see if anyone was willing to help me.
She called yesterday and said that there might possibly be a case and that she contacted another law firm and spoke with them about it. She said she wonders if the colpo I had, could of caused the infection. (A colpo is a "glorified pap smear")Also she said I might be able to get them for negligence, because the ignored a huge sign of infection and the nurse took it upon herself to say I was fine instead of talking to a doctor.
I should be hearing from her again today to let me know what the other law firm had said about helping me and if they think I could have a case. She said that the hardest part is going to be proving that Elijah would have lived if they brought me in the first day I called about the discharge and delivered him. But there is no way to know that for sure. What I do know is that there are records of plenty of babies being born at 23-24-25 weeks into the pregnancy and they live. It's not a huge percentage but it is possible. He was still going strong on that Thursday, so that is why I am fighting this, he might have been okay.
So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I am able to get justice for their ignorance and negligence. My family deserves it, Greg deserves it, I deserve it, and most of all my beautiful son Elijah deserves it!
She called yesterday and said that there might possibly be a case and that she contacted another law firm and spoke with them about it. She said she wonders if the colpo I had, could of caused the infection. (A colpo is a "glorified pap smear")Also she said I might be able to get them for negligence, because the ignored a huge sign of infection and the nurse took it upon herself to say I was fine instead of talking to a doctor.
I should be hearing from her again today to let me know what the other law firm had said about helping me and if they think I could have a case. She said that the hardest part is going to be proving that Elijah would have lived if they brought me in the first day I called about the discharge and delivered him. But there is no way to know that for sure. What I do know is that there are records of plenty of babies being born at 23-24-25 weeks into the pregnancy and they live. It's not a huge percentage but it is possible. He was still going strong on that Thursday, so that is why I am fighting this, he might have been okay.
So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I am able to get justice for their ignorance and negligence. My family deserves it, Greg deserves it, I deserve it, and most of all my beautiful son Elijah deserves it!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I'm fed up!!
All morning I have been on the phone and internet talking to people about how I lost Elijah. I have called lawyers for free consultations and I have an appointment next friday to speak to them. I have also written to my local news paper about this situation and I will include the article I've written at the end of this post.
The reason I have all of a sudden started putting this into action is because on Monday I had a BAAAAAAAAAAAD baby day...I was very upset and it was a very hard day for me. So I decided that my pain and my poor baby's death should be accounted for! They deserve to know what they have done, and they deserve to pay for it whether with actual money or with their repuation. Either way, they will pay! Here is the article:
My name is Nicole Snyder and I have a story that I feel should be shared. My story is sad, heart breaking, and infuriating, but people deserve to know that sometimes you need to get a second opinion.
On Tuesday, March 16, 2010 I was 24 weeks pregnant and having a horrible chunky discharge. I called my doctors office, who shall remain nameless for now, and told them about this, knowing myself that it had to be a sign of infection. They told me I was fine and there was nothing to worry about, they said it was just my hormones causing the discharge. I then said "It's the size of a quarter and it's not a normal discharge...it looks like mucous or something." They stuck to their story and kept telling me everything was fine and left it at that.
I continued to have this discharge for the next few days. On Saturday, March 20, 2010 I had just spent the day out with my family, it was a perfect day...Until I went into the bathroom and saw a slight pink color in the discharge. The same discharge I had been having for almost 5 days. I immediately called the emergency room to report it and they came back saying to come in as soon as possible.
Once I got there they ran tests and did an ultrasound only to find that there was no heart beat and my amniotic fluid was very low. On Sunday March 21, 2010, after hours of agonizing pain I gave birth to a 10" 11 oz baby boy who had passed, his name was Elijah. The instant the placenta came out the doctor said, "That is very infected." And then I got angry, I told him I called that Tuesday and informed them of the discharge and he simply replied, I was never told about your phone call.
I also had a miscarriage in 2007 with the same doctors. You would think that they would have taken my phone call on Tuesday as seriously as they should have instead of shrugging it off. I am not saying that they would have been able to save him, no one could know if that is true, but they could have tried. The first child, Adrian, was no ones fault, I had blood clots on the placenta and it was very sudden. They had fair warning that something was wrong with this pregnancy and didn't act on it. I now have lost two children, two beautiful boys that deserved to have a chance at life. One that they could have tried to save, but instead ignored.
I felt the need to share this story with you all because this is a very real and very sad thing that many women go through everyday. It has been eight weeks since I've lost my beautiful Elijah, and there will never be a day that I will not wonder "what if" they brought me in that day I called like they should have. Would I have him in my arms? Would I watch him grow? Would I hear his sweet voice? These questions will forever haunt me because my doctors office did nothing to help.
Please, if you are pregnant and you feel that something might be wrong do not let them tell you your fine unless you are examined first, don't let them shrug it off and rush you off the phone. Babies are a precious gift and each one lost is a horrible tragedy.
Thank you for your time,
Nicole C. Snyder
The reason I have all of a sudden started putting this into action is because on Monday I had a BAAAAAAAAAAAD baby day...I was very upset and it was a very hard day for me. So I decided that my pain and my poor baby's death should be accounted for! They deserve to know what they have done, and they deserve to pay for it whether with actual money or with their repuation. Either way, they will pay! Here is the article:
My name is Nicole Snyder and I have a story that I feel should be shared. My story is sad, heart breaking, and infuriating, but people deserve to know that sometimes you need to get a second opinion.
On Tuesday, March 16, 2010 I was 24 weeks pregnant and having a horrible chunky discharge. I called my doctors office, who shall remain nameless for now, and told them about this, knowing myself that it had to be a sign of infection. They told me I was fine and there was nothing to worry about, they said it was just my hormones causing the discharge. I then said "It's the size of a quarter and it's not a normal discharge...it looks like mucous or something." They stuck to their story and kept telling me everything was fine and left it at that.
I continued to have this discharge for the next few days. On Saturday, March 20, 2010 I had just spent the day out with my family, it was a perfect day...Until I went into the bathroom and saw a slight pink color in the discharge. The same discharge I had been having for almost 5 days. I immediately called the emergency room to report it and they came back saying to come in as soon as possible.
Once I got there they ran tests and did an ultrasound only to find that there was no heart beat and my amniotic fluid was very low. On Sunday March 21, 2010, after hours of agonizing pain I gave birth to a 10" 11 oz baby boy who had passed, his name was Elijah. The instant the placenta came out the doctor said, "That is very infected." And then I got angry, I told him I called that Tuesday and informed them of the discharge and he simply replied, I was never told about your phone call.
I also had a miscarriage in 2007 with the same doctors. You would think that they would have taken my phone call on Tuesday as seriously as they should have instead of shrugging it off. I am not saying that they would have been able to save him, no one could know if that is true, but they could have tried. The first child, Adrian, was no ones fault, I had blood clots on the placenta and it was very sudden. They had fair warning that something was wrong with this pregnancy and didn't act on it. I now have lost two children, two beautiful boys that deserved to have a chance at life. One that they could have tried to save, but instead ignored.
I felt the need to share this story with you all because this is a very real and very sad thing that many women go through everyday. It has been eight weeks since I've lost my beautiful Elijah, and there will never be a day that I will not wonder "what if" they brought me in that day I called like they should have. Would I have him in my arms? Would I watch him grow? Would I hear his sweet voice? These questions will forever haunt me because my doctors office did nothing to help.
Please, if you are pregnant and you feel that something might be wrong do not let them tell you your fine unless you are examined first, don't let them shrug it off and rush you off the phone. Babies are a precious gift and each one lost is a horrible tragedy.
Thank you for your time,
Nicole C. Snyder
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Only time will tell
I held a baby yesterday. My neighbors baby, he just turned a year old. He is how I pictured my sweet Elijah, cute little curly hair, gorgeous skin tone, chubby little hands. And guess what!? I was okay...I played with him, I kissed him, I hugged him. He was crawling around on the floor and then he looked over at me and smiled. Then he started crawling over to me, grabbed my pants and pulled himself up to stand in front of me, and again smiled.
He kept grabbing stuff off the coffee table and I would take it and push it further back so he couldn't get it, and then he would scoot his way over to it and stare at me with a little mischievous grin on his face as he started pulling it towards him again. When I would take it and push it away again, he would start slyly scooting towards it again...this went on for awhile. Then he started crawling around and tried grabbing all of the knick knacks that are everywhere in this house and I had to pick him up and tell him no. I loved every minute of it.
I will admit I was sad, but only because I looked forward to having to do that with Adrian and ELijah. I couldn't wait until they got to the age where you could play with them like that and tickle them and have them laugh those cute little belly laughs. So that's why I was sad. I've made a lot of progress though, to be able to be around him and play with him. When I lost Adrian I couldn't even look at a baby for almost a year. It's been 8 weeks today at 3:39 and I held a baby yesterday. I know it sounds small and insignificant to you, but it's huge for me.
And being with him last night made me want one so much more. I will have a healthy baby one day, even if I can't carry the baby myself. I can find someone who will have a baby for me, I have had a lot of people offer to do so. I just don't have the money to pay for it. I know I'm only 22, but I need this. I deserve to be a mother, and I'm not going to let that go. That is the only dream I have had my entire life, and you're not supposed to give up on your dreams right? So I will be a mother, and I will have a beautiful healthy child who will terrorize me and drive me crazy.
"But at night, I would crawl across his bedroom floor and peek up over the side of his bed. And if he was really asleep I would pick him up and gently rock him back and forth back and forth while singing, 'I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.' "
I think I said that right, I did it from memory, my mom used to read me that book every day. We still read it together.
I never told you this before but before I started dating Greg and after Julian and I split up, I had a huge thing for a guy I worked with. He's a goofy guy, very smart, very kind,funny, sensitive, etc... We hung out all the time, we talked everyday even if in just emails. We became really close...He was probably the only person in the world who loved movies more than I do. I don't know if you guys have seen Dawsons Creek, but that's exactly who he reminded me of, Dawson. He wants to be a movie director and everything. He's a great guy.
Well it turns out that he had feelings for me also, but that is something that I have just recently found out. After I got home from working with Greg this summer, and after I found out I was pregnant, he suddenly stopped talking to me. He wouldn't look at me when I went into the store, he wouldn't even acknowledge the people I was with when I was around. And I was pissed about it, I still am!
Turns out, he always had feelings for me and when I started dating Greg he was hurt by it. And when I got pregnant, that hurt him also...so he stopped talking to me, I assume to avoid any more pain...but the problem is that it has been almost a year and from what I hear, he is still hurting. It's awful, I feel awful...but at the same time I am angry with him! I'm angry because he never told me, and angry because when I felt my feelings weren't returned I still stayed friends with him. Because being friends with him was worth dealing with that extra longing I had for him... But he's just completely shut me out of his life...
I wrote him an email today, I told Greg I was going to, don't worry. I wrote him saying that while I understand why he isn't speaking to me, it's also not fair. I told him I want us to be friends and that it doesn't really matter how long it takes for him to be okay with talking to me again, I'll still be here waiting for his friendship. I may not feel for him the way I used to, but I still want his friendship. He was a great friend!! So I guess, only time will tell in this situation.
Thanks for listening again!
Happy Blogging!!
He kept grabbing stuff off the coffee table and I would take it and push it further back so he couldn't get it, and then he would scoot his way over to it and stare at me with a little mischievous grin on his face as he started pulling it towards him again. When I would take it and push it away again, he would start slyly scooting towards it again...this went on for awhile. Then he started crawling around and tried grabbing all of the knick knacks that are everywhere in this house and I had to pick him up and tell him no. I loved every minute of it.
I will admit I was sad, but only because I looked forward to having to do that with Adrian and ELijah. I couldn't wait until they got to the age where you could play with them like that and tickle them and have them laugh those cute little belly laughs. So that's why I was sad. I've made a lot of progress though, to be able to be around him and play with him. When I lost Adrian I couldn't even look at a baby for almost a year. It's been 8 weeks today at 3:39 and I held a baby yesterday. I know it sounds small and insignificant to you, but it's huge for me.
And being with him last night made me want one so much more. I will have a healthy baby one day, even if I can't carry the baby myself. I can find someone who will have a baby for me, I have had a lot of people offer to do so. I just don't have the money to pay for it. I know I'm only 22, but I need this. I deserve to be a mother, and I'm not going to let that go. That is the only dream I have had my entire life, and you're not supposed to give up on your dreams right? So I will be a mother, and I will have a beautiful healthy child who will terrorize me and drive me crazy.
"But at night, I would crawl across his bedroom floor and peek up over the side of his bed. And if he was really asleep I would pick him up and gently rock him back and forth back and forth while singing, 'I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.' "
I think I said that right, I did it from memory, my mom used to read me that book every day. We still read it together.
I never told you this before but before I started dating Greg and after Julian and I split up, I had a huge thing for a guy I worked with. He's a goofy guy, very smart, very kind,funny, sensitive, etc... We hung out all the time, we talked everyday even if in just emails. We became really close...He was probably the only person in the world who loved movies more than I do. I don't know if you guys have seen Dawsons Creek, but that's exactly who he reminded me of, Dawson. He wants to be a movie director and everything. He's a great guy.
Well it turns out that he had feelings for me also, but that is something that I have just recently found out. After I got home from working with Greg this summer, and after I found out I was pregnant, he suddenly stopped talking to me. He wouldn't look at me when I went into the store, he wouldn't even acknowledge the people I was with when I was around. And I was pissed about it, I still am!
Turns out, he always had feelings for me and when I started dating Greg he was hurt by it. And when I got pregnant, that hurt him also...so he stopped talking to me, I assume to avoid any more pain...but the problem is that it has been almost a year and from what I hear, he is still hurting. It's awful, I feel awful...but at the same time I am angry with him! I'm angry because he never told me, and angry because when I felt my feelings weren't returned I still stayed friends with him. Because being friends with him was worth dealing with that extra longing I had for him... But he's just completely shut me out of his life...
I wrote him an email today, I told Greg I was going to, don't worry. I wrote him saying that while I understand why he isn't speaking to me, it's also not fair. I told him I want us to be friends and that it doesn't really matter how long it takes for him to be okay with talking to me again, I'll still be here waiting for his friendship. I may not feel for him the way I used to, but I still want his friendship. He was a great friend!! So I guess, only time will tell in this situation.
Thanks for listening again!
Happy Blogging!!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Sick :(
I'm sick...I've been sick the past couple days, but today is the worst I've felt. I haven't had a cold since the middle of the first trimester when I was pregnant with Elijah. I hate being sick, especially since I usually don't run fevers and no one believes me when I say I'm sick...My chest is heavy, my throat is dry and scratchy, my nose is stuff, and I feel like my dead is the size of a beach ball. And yet, I'm not running a fever so I must be faking.
I called the doctors office yesterday, still no results, of course!! The nurse was very apologetic, but it's not her fault. They are taking their dear ass time over there looking at the placenta. I'd just like to know what happened so I can try again and make it work this time. They gotta give me something here before we all go crazy.
I've been so sleepy lately, I'll go to bed at the normal time I always go to bed but for some reason I won't wake up until 12:30 or so...I don't understand it, I haven't slept that late since I was like 15. I hate it, it makes me feel like I've wasted my whole day away. Tuesday mom was pissed off at me because of it. It's not like I meant to, it just happened. I'm just always tired no matter how much I sleep...I hate it!!!
*cough cough cough* I hate being sick, I know I've said that a million times already but I really do. I can't even think straight. I think I might go watch a movie or something. I don't even feel like playing farmtown, which should prove that I'm actually sick by the way.
I really wish I could start working already! I hate that Mom is the only one working in the house, and trust me she tells me all the time that she hates it also. I feel bad, but there is NO WHERE that is hiring right now. And I have no clue when I'm going to start at Nancys. It's so frustrating!!!
Anyway, I'm going to go curl up and watch a flick. I feel like crap and I hate being sick. (I just had to throw that in once more before I finished writing.) *cough cough* Happy Blogging!!
I called the doctors office yesterday, still no results, of course!! The nurse was very apologetic, but it's not her fault. They are taking their dear ass time over there looking at the placenta. I'd just like to know what happened so I can try again and make it work this time. They gotta give me something here before we all go crazy.
I've been so sleepy lately, I'll go to bed at the normal time I always go to bed but for some reason I won't wake up until 12:30 or so...I don't understand it, I haven't slept that late since I was like 15. I hate it, it makes me feel like I've wasted my whole day away. Tuesday mom was pissed off at me because of it. It's not like I meant to, it just happened. I'm just always tired no matter how much I sleep...I hate it!!!
*cough cough cough* I hate being sick, I know I've said that a million times already but I really do. I can't even think straight. I think I might go watch a movie or something. I don't even feel like playing farmtown, which should prove that I'm actually sick by the way.
I really wish I could start working already! I hate that Mom is the only one working in the house, and trust me she tells me all the time that she hates it also. I feel bad, but there is NO WHERE that is hiring right now. And I have no clue when I'm going to start at Nancys. It's so frustrating!!!
Anyway, I'm going to go curl up and watch a flick. I feel like crap and I hate being sick. (I just had to throw that in once more before I finished writing.) *cough cough* Happy Blogging!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Recap
Well it's been a busy couple of days here. Thursday we went out to find Kristine another dress, nothing fancy but one for her graduation pictures, they were taking them on Friday. While we were out I tried on a number of dresses also.
I didn't choose any of those, I felt like a hoochie! Everyone, including my mother and random strangers in the store kept telling me I looked great, but I personally wanted to pull the dress' off and burn it for being so short. As you can tell, I don't wear short dresses or skirts, even before I was pregnant I wouldn't dress like that. I did kind of like the way I looked in the blue and black one though. LOL I bought a dress that was way more my style but you won't get to see that until I go to Latisha's wedding in June! :)
On Friday we didn't do much, mom and I went to Walmart and bought a bunch of Miley Cyrus clothes, yes that's right I like her! I can't fit into any of her pants because apparently she doesn't take people who are over a size 7 into consideration, but I bought a bunch of cute shirts. :)
Saturday was prom day for Kristine. All day mom got her ready she did her hair, her make up,helped her get dressed. While I sat on my computer and harvested crops all day lol. This is the end result.
And for yesterday...the day I have been dreaded since May began...I woke up and instantly hated the day. Greg wished me a happy mothers day before I got out of bed to begin the retched day. I came out said Happy Mothers Day to mom and got 3 more in return. I checked my facebook where a million more sat waiting for my "Thank You" response. It wasn't as bad as I thought, I got spoiled as much as mom did...the only difference is I didn't have my beautiful boys here to celebrate with me...Greg sent me a txt message that made my day a little better, I'm going to type it word for word for you to read.
"Happy Mothers Day baby!!! I know ur boys are up there watching over you praying for u to make sure ur okay. And they would tell u how proud they are to have u as their mother. And how great of a mother u would be to them if they were here with us. I'm proud of u and I love u with all my heart!!! Idk what I would do without u!!"
That brightened up my day. Again, it wasn't so bad...But I am glad that I have a whole nother year before I have to deal with that day again. Fathers Day is next... :(
Oh and on Saturday I went to the pharmacy to pick something up for Kristine and before I left a girl I know walked up to me, rubbed my belly, and asked how the bun in the oven was doing! WHAT THE FREAKIN HELL WAS THAT!?!?!?!?!?! DO I LOOK 8 MONTHS PREGNANT RIGHT NOW? I posted those pics up there, I could have freaking killed her! What an idiot, she knew I was due in July why in the hell would she say something like that?! My God, I was pissed, and now thinking about it is making me pissed all over again...Okay, I better go before I freak out again.
Happy Blogging!! :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Understanding me
Yes, can you believe it? I have finally taken a short break from the farming world. I need to vent about some things that happened yesterday. I wanted to write right after it all happened but I knew I would probably break down and cry if I did...
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there was a woman in there that got pregnant right after I lost Adrian, my first baby, and she had her little girl with her. She's walking and talking by now. Well I don't know why but I almost broke down in the grocery store because she was so cute and kept saying Mommy and it just broke my heart that I don't have anyone to call me Mommy...I may never have that...
We came home and I tried to push my jealousy out of my mind before it made me crazy. Then all of a sudden Kristine calls and asks if Heather can come over with the baby...I said I didn't know if I was okay with that or not. So I never said yes or anything...30 minutes later she shows up with Heather and the baby.
Heather feels so bad for me, she feels awful and understands why its not a good idea for her to come over for awhile...But Kristine must have said it was alright so here they were. I love Heather, she's a great person and a great friend to Kristine and it seems a great mother...We all miss her coming over here...but being around the baby breaks my heart.
The baby was fussing when they first got here and that's when it started bothering me. I felt the lump in my throat like I was about to bawl my eyes out. So I went into the bedroom and smoked a cigarette and talked to Greg for a moment, who by the way didn't have any words of comfort to say. I came back out and the baby was giggling and smiling at everyone. I didn't look at him once, I couldn't.
Now you're probably wondering why I didn't just go to another room until they left right? Well it's because Heather already feels bad enough, I didn't want to make her feel worse by saying I couldn't handle it and leaving the room. I like Heather and I don't want to hurt her by leaving every time she comes in the house. Plus she would have left right away, I know it.
When they left I was relieved but my night was ruined. I was unable to push his tiny little giggle out of my mind...and I had to keep from crying the entire night. I had made a comment to Greg when he came out here to sweep the floor about wanting to drink and asked if he would drink with me...He asked why, and I said because I hate this day...That's when the worst part of the night started...
He said I need to get over it! Everyone has babies and I can't be pissed off at every pregnant woman or every baby I see because I don't have one...Get over it!
Oh yeah, he said that. And it didn't really piss me off as much as it hurt like hell to have the father of one of my lost children say something like that to me. He gets pissed off when Kristine says that to me, and yet he is going to. I had to keep from bawling right in front of him...I couldn't believe he said that. Get over it, like it was something small and insignificant!
He text me almost 30 minutes later, knowing that if he talked face to face I would flip out on him...He knew he messed up probably the moment he finished talking. He said he didn't mean it the way it came out, he meant it as in he isn't going to sit back and watch me do this to myself without saying something...He said I'm not the only one who lost a child, which is true...
But I lost two...This is my second time...So while he does understand to an extent how it feels to lose a beautiful child, he doesn't understand how I feel and how it effects me. I have two children who are in Heaven right now, who I won't hear call me Mommy until I get there myself. Two children I will never hold, or kiss, or hug. Two children I will never send off to school and sit nervously until they arrive back home. Two children who I will never be able to console when they have a broken heart or are sick or angry. Two children I will never watch get married, two children I will never ever hear I love you from... He can't tell me he understands unless he times what he's feeling by two.
I'm not saying he's in any less pain, I'm not stupid. I know it hurts him, I know he's sad and upset about it. But the point is that he doesn't understand. I felt them, I grew with them, I talked to them and they would respond with their little movements to let me know they heard me. He doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand the bond that I had with those children. A mothers bond is different than a fathers with the child, for the simple fact that we do carry them in us.
He doesn't understand why I can't "get over it" or "move past this" and it's because my body failed...My body failed to take care of my two children. My body gave out on me and made me lose my children. I don't blame myself, because I did nothing wrong, I blame my body...How can he understand that?
I fear I will never have children, and don't say I will, because none of us know that. I have had two failed attempts, and God only knows if there will be more... I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm confused... My life has always revolved around the fact that I would have children one day. I would dream of nothing else, and twice that dream has been torn away from me. I don't know how to let go of a dream so beautiful and pure. I can't... There will never be anything that will replace my wanting to have children...ever. There will never be anything that will replace my sadness and anger that I lost my boys.
I'm not angry with Greg anymore about what he said, because like I've stated, he doesn't understand. It's not his fault and I can see how it must be frustrating to hear and see the way that I act all the time when it comes to babies or pregnant women. But it's not something I can help, this is my way of dealing...My way out.
I will never get over it, I will never move on completely. I will always and forever have Adrian and Elijah in my mind body and soul and will nothing will ever take their place in my heart.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and there was a woman in there that got pregnant right after I lost Adrian, my first baby, and she had her little girl with her. She's walking and talking by now. Well I don't know why but I almost broke down in the grocery store because she was so cute and kept saying Mommy and it just broke my heart that I don't have anyone to call me Mommy...I may never have that...
We came home and I tried to push my jealousy out of my mind before it made me crazy. Then all of a sudden Kristine calls and asks if Heather can come over with the baby...I said I didn't know if I was okay with that or not. So I never said yes or anything...30 minutes later she shows up with Heather and the baby.
Heather feels so bad for me, she feels awful and understands why its not a good idea for her to come over for awhile...But Kristine must have said it was alright so here they were. I love Heather, she's a great person and a great friend to Kristine and it seems a great mother...We all miss her coming over here...but being around the baby breaks my heart.
The baby was fussing when they first got here and that's when it started bothering me. I felt the lump in my throat like I was about to bawl my eyes out. So I went into the bedroom and smoked a cigarette and talked to Greg for a moment, who by the way didn't have any words of comfort to say. I came back out and the baby was giggling and smiling at everyone. I didn't look at him once, I couldn't.
Now you're probably wondering why I didn't just go to another room until they left right? Well it's because Heather already feels bad enough, I didn't want to make her feel worse by saying I couldn't handle it and leaving the room. I like Heather and I don't want to hurt her by leaving every time she comes in the house. Plus she would have left right away, I know it.
When they left I was relieved but my night was ruined. I was unable to push his tiny little giggle out of my mind...and I had to keep from crying the entire night. I had made a comment to Greg when he came out here to sweep the floor about wanting to drink and asked if he would drink with me...He asked why, and I said because I hate this day...That's when the worst part of the night started...
He said I need to get over it! Everyone has babies and I can't be pissed off at every pregnant woman or every baby I see because I don't have one...Get over it!
Oh yeah, he said that. And it didn't really piss me off as much as it hurt like hell to have the father of one of my lost children say something like that to me. He gets pissed off when Kristine says that to me, and yet he is going to. I had to keep from bawling right in front of him...I couldn't believe he said that. Get over it, like it was something small and insignificant!
He text me almost 30 minutes later, knowing that if he talked face to face I would flip out on him...He knew he messed up probably the moment he finished talking. He said he didn't mean it the way it came out, he meant it as in he isn't going to sit back and watch me do this to myself without saying something...He said I'm not the only one who lost a child, which is true...
But I lost two...This is my second time...So while he does understand to an extent how it feels to lose a beautiful child, he doesn't understand how I feel and how it effects me. I have two children who are in Heaven right now, who I won't hear call me Mommy until I get there myself. Two children I will never hold, or kiss, or hug. Two children I will never send off to school and sit nervously until they arrive back home. Two children who I will never be able to console when they have a broken heart or are sick or angry. Two children I will never watch get married, two children I will never ever hear I love you from... He can't tell me he understands unless he times what he's feeling by two.
I'm not saying he's in any less pain, I'm not stupid. I know it hurts him, I know he's sad and upset about it. But the point is that he doesn't understand. I felt them, I grew with them, I talked to them and they would respond with their little movements to let me know they heard me. He doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand the bond that I had with those children. A mothers bond is different than a fathers with the child, for the simple fact that we do carry them in us.
He doesn't understand why I can't "get over it" or "move past this" and it's because my body failed...My body failed to take care of my two children. My body gave out on me and made me lose my children. I don't blame myself, because I did nothing wrong, I blame my body...How can he understand that?
I fear I will never have children, and don't say I will, because none of us know that. I have had two failed attempts, and God only knows if there will be more... I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm confused... My life has always revolved around the fact that I would have children one day. I would dream of nothing else, and twice that dream has been torn away from me. I don't know how to let go of a dream so beautiful and pure. I can't... There will never be anything that will replace my wanting to have children...ever. There will never be anything that will replace my sadness and anger that I lost my boys.
I'm not angry with Greg anymore about what he said, because like I've stated, he doesn't understand. It's not his fault and I can see how it must be frustrating to hear and see the way that I act all the time when it comes to babies or pregnant women. But it's not something I can help, this is my way of dealing...My way out.
I will never get over it, I will never move on completely. I will always and forever have Adrian and Elijah in my mind body and soul and will nothing will ever take their place in my heart.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Umm...I'm a farmer again!!!!
Okay so Farmville and Farmtown have completely taken me away from you guys. I was addicted before and then got bored, and now I am having fun with all the new things they have added. SOooooo, that is where I have been from morning til night lol. I'm a loser I know, I really need a job!!
Past couple days haven't been very exciting. I went out Saturday night with Greg and a few of his friends. We played shuffle board, while intoxicated, it was a little difficult to concentrate on where the puck thing should go, but fun non the less. :)
Sunday I sat here and played on farmville and farmtown ALL day! Same as Monday, and today! lol
I also watched all the die hard movies, I have decided that I would like to do some naughty things with Bruce Willis, sexxy sexy man he is!!!!
I don't know if I told you or not, but there will be no results from my placenta for quite some time. It's going to drive me crazy.
Today American Idol, woohoo!!
Sadly, there is not much else to say. I really need to start work soon or I will go insane. I need a life aside from this computer. Things will be more interesting once I work, especially since its tourist season here. HAH I always have great stories about them. :) :)
Happy Blogging!!!
Past couple days haven't been very exciting. I went out Saturday night with Greg and a few of his friends. We played shuffle board, while intoxicated, it was a little difficult to concentrate on where the puck thing should go, but fun non the less. :)
Sunday I sat here and played on farmville and farmtown ALL day! Same as Monday, and today! lol
I also watched all the die hard movies, I have decided that I would like to do some naughty things with Bruce Willis, sexxy sexy man he is!!!!
I don't know if I told you or not, but there will be no results from my placenta for quite some time. It's going to drive me crazy.
Today American Idol, woohoo!!
Sadly, there is not much else to say. I really need to start work soon or I will go insane. I need a life aside from this computer. Things will be more interesting once I work, especially since its tourist season here. HAH I always have great stories about them. :) :)
Happy Blogging!!!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Blah blah blah
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I've become obsessed with Farmtown on Facebook again. I used to spend all my free time on there, and now here I am addicted again. Not to mention I've also been playing on POGO.com too. :D I really need a job and SOON before my life consists of only farmtown and pogo.
Not much has happened these past couple days. My dog Diamond, the big one, is in heat, and Tucker still can't get her. I wish they would make puppies they would be so cute!!
My body isn't as achy as it has been. Yesterday I only had to take my pills once, which is great. I was hoping I wouldn't have to take them at all today, but I think I might have to.
Greg wants me to go out with him tonight to his friends house. I like his friends and I like going out to hang out with everyone, it's just the fact of getting motivated to go that's the problem. Like part of me wants to go, but the other part is like "Stay home relax go to sleep". Which is what I do everyday. I'm a homebody really I am, I love being home with my family. I like relaxing in my PJs and not having to worry about dressing up or putting make up on. (which is why when I do go out, I make sure I dress nice and put make up on, because I don't when I'm home.)
He has to work until later tonight, like 7 or 8 or something, meaning we won't be going over there until 8 or 9...That's kinda late for me. Usually I'm laying in bed watching tv by 10. Sheesh I'm 22 and I'm acting 52. But again, I like my life, so I don't see what the problem is.
I have so many people bitching at me all the time saying that I need to "act" like a 22 year old. What because I don't go out and party every night, or go to bars, or act like a fool half the time, I don't act 22? If that's the case then I'm glad I don't act it. All my friends are morons lol, they love drinking and partying. To the point where they are partying until 4-5-6 in the morning and then sleep for 2 hours and get up for work the next morning still drunk. That's not me...
I did stuff like that when I was working the fairs with Greg, and that was enough for me. Anyway, bottom line, I like being home...I like staying home...I don't party...I drink sometimes...and on occasion I don't mind going out, like tonight. (Maybe) :D
Happy Blogging!!!
Not much has happened these past couple days. My dog Diamond, the big one, is in heat, and Tucker still can't get her. I wish they would make puppies they would be so cute!!
My body isn't as achy as it has been. Yesterday I only had to take my pills once, which is great. I was hoping I wouldn't have to take them at all today, but I think I might have to.
Greg wants me to go out with him tonight to his friends house. I like his friends and I like going out to hang out with everyone, it's just the fact of getting motivated to go that's the problem. Like part of me wants to go, but the other part is like "Stay home relax go to sleep". Which is what I do everyday. I'm a homebody really I am, I love being home with my family. I like relaxing in my PJs and not having to worry about dressing up or putting make up on. (which is why when I do go out, I make sure I dress nice and put make up on, because I don't when I'm home.)
He has to work until later tonight, like 7 or 8 or something, meaning we won't be going over there until 8 or 9...That's kinda late for me. Usually I'm laying in bed watching tv by 10. Sheesh I'm 22 and I'm acting 52. But again, I like my life, so I don't see what the problem is.
I have so many people bitching at me all the time saying that I need to "act" like a 22 year old. What because I don't go out and party every night, or go to bars, or act like a fool half the time, I don't act 22? If that's the case then I'm glad I don't act it. All my friends are morons lol, they love drinking and partying. To the point where they are partying until 4-5-6 in the morning and then sleep for 2 hours and get up for work the next morning still drunk. That's not me...
I did stuff like that when I was working the fairs with Greg, and that was enough for me. Anyway, bottom line, I like being home...I like staying home...I don't party...I drink sometimes...and on occasion I don't mind going out, like tonight. (Maybe) :D
Happy Blogging!!!
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