Only time will tell

I held a baby yesterday. My neighbors baby, he just turned a year old. He is how I pictured my sweet Elijah, cute little curly hair, gorgeous skin tone, chubby little hands. And guess what!? I was okay...I played with him, I kissed him, I hugged him. He was crawling around on the floor and then he looked over at me and smiled. Then he started crawling over to me, grabbed my pants and pulled himself up to stand in front of me, and again smiled.

He kept grabbing stuff off the coffee table and I would take it and push it further back so he couldn't get it, and then he would scoot his way over to it and stare at me with a little mischievous grin on his face as he started pulling it towards him again. When I would take it and push it away again, he would start slyly scooting towards it again...this went on for awhile. Then he started crawling around and tried grabbing all of the knick knacks that are everywhere in this house and I had to pick him up and tell him no. I loved every minute of it.

I will admit I was sad, but only because I looked forward to having to do that with Adrian and ELijah. I couldn't wait until they got to the age where you could play with them like that and tickle them and have them laugh those cute little belly laughs. So that's why I was sad. I've made a lot of progress though, to be able to be around him and play with him. When I lost Adrian I couldn't even look at a baby for almost a year. It's been 8 weeks today at 3:39 and I held a baby yesterday. I know it sounds small and insignificant to you, but it's huge for me.

And being with him last night made me want one so much more. I will have a healthy baby one day, even if I can't carry the baby myself. I can find someone who will have a baby for me, I have had a lot of people offer to do so. I just don't have the money to pay for it. I know I'm only 22, but I need this. I deserve to be a mother, and I'm not going to let that go. That is the only dream I have had my entire life, and you're not supposed to give up on your dreams right? So I will be a mother, and I will have a beautiful healthy child who will terrorize me and drive me crazy.

"But at night, I would crawl across his bedroom floor and peek up over the side of his bed. And if he was really asleep I would pick him up and gently rock him back and forth back and forth while singing, 'I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.' "

I think I said that right, I did it from memory, my mom used to read me that book every day. We still read it together.

I never told you this before but before I started dating Greg and after Julian and I split up, I had a huge thing for a guy I worked with. He's a goofy guy, very smart, very kind,funny, sensitive, etc... We hung out all the time, we talked everyday even if in just emails. We became really close...He was probably the only person in the world who loved movies more than I do. I don't know if you guys have seen Dawsons Creek, but that's exactly who he reminded me of, Dawson. He wants to be a movie director and everything. He's a great guy.

Well it turns out that he had feelings for me also, but that is something that I have just recently found out. After I got home from working with Greg this summer, and after I found out I was pregnant, he suddenly stopped talking to me. He wouldn't look at me when I went into the store, he wouldn't even acknowledge the people I was with when I was around. And I was pissed about it, I still am!

Turns out, he always had feelings for me and when I started dating Greg he was hurt by it. And when I got pregnant, that hurt him also...so he stopped talking to me, I assume to avoid any more pain...but the problem is that it has been almost a year and from what I hear, he is still hurting. It's awful, I feel awful...but at the same time I am angry with him! I'm angry because he never told me, and angry because when I felt my feelings weren't returned I still stayed friends with him. Because being friends with him was worth dealing with that extra longing I had for him... But he's just completely shut me out of his life...

I wrote him an email today, I told Greg I was going to, don't worry. I wrote him saying that while I understand why he isn't speaking to me, it's also not fair. I told him I want us to be friends and that it doesn't really matter how long it takes for him to be okay with talking to me again, I'll still be here waiting for his friendship. I may not feel for him the way I used to, but I still want his friendship. He was a great friend!! So I guess, only time will tell in this situation.

Thanks for listening again!

Happy Blogging!!