Emotionally Retarded=Me

It's already 10:37 am and I'm still sitting around not doing anything. I had a hard day yesterday, and sadly you must read about it...

It started off kind of funky to begin with, I rolled off of our small twin size bed almost taking Greg with me. He's a huge cuddle bear when we're in bed together. No matter what we are doing, he always has to have one hand touching me. I like it though. I came out, got my coffee and continued into my moms room to chat before she started getting ready for work. That's when it started.

We were talking about Adrian and Elijah, as I so often do first thing in the morning, and I realized something that definitely took me aback. Come July, I would have had a 3 year old son and a new born son. Of course I've always known that, but it actually just hit me really hard yesterday. Adrian's birthday is April 22, while mine is April 21, Elijahs is July 2, and Gregs is July 3rd. What's that about, right? Our birthdays are destined to suck for the rest of our lives. Sheesh, talk about being harsh!

Anyway, with April 22 not too far around the corner I've been having a little bit of a hard time anyway, but realizing that my little Adrian would be three is heart-breaking to think about. Later once Greg left for work, I went into my room alone, with my computer and wrote the 2 earlier blogs. (Hoping it would keep my mind off of things.) It worked, but then I was finished and couldn't for life of me, find something else to do. And that's when it happened. I felt it coming, the tightness in my throat, the pain ripping through my chest, the tears spilling from my eyes...So I did what most girls do when they are despressed over anything. I put on the song that reminds me of my precious boys...Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton.

I sat there and cried for a little while, and then before I knew it, I was done. I hate that, I feel like I need to cry more...I need to show more "emotions" besides anger all the time. I feel like if they are looking down on me right now, that they feel as if I don't care as much as I say. I feel...how shall I say this..."emotionally retarded". Perfect phrase right there, thats me!! I've always been that way too...

I left out a vital part of "Julian's story" because it was mostly about me...I used to cut myself when I was younger...I had a huge problem with not talking about my problems...and they would build up and build up until finally I couldn't feel anything anymore and I would cut...It's stupid, it's awful...but it helped at the time...I did this for about a year or two before I finally stopped. But this is a story for another time, the point I'm trying to make is that I've always been a little "emotionally retarded" in one way or another. I can't handle death...It's something I pretty much shut down to, and I didn't mind it much until I lost my children and I have a hard time grieving for them...Adrian I cried for...alot...but with Elijah I'm having such a hard time...

Anyway back to the subject at hand, my crappy day yesterday. (I get sidetracked quite easily...it's a miricle I was able to write a novel at all. Oh by the way, I wrote a novel)
After my small "breakdown" I sucked it all back in and tucked it all away into the back of my mind and tried to move on with my day. I came out into the living room and watched Twilight and New Moon with my 13 year old sister. I LOVE those movies FYI! After that Bones came on, GREAT episode, it made me cry and then I got pissed. I can cry over tv shows and movies but not for my son. GAH!!!

Right when I was getting to the point of throwing things across the room my phone started ringing. You'll never guess who it was, Julian! We talked for almost an hour actually and he made me feel a lot better. Greg had "guys night" last night and wanted to drink a few beers with his buddies, so I told him to stay over there. Drunk driving is stupid driving after all. So all night I was alone in my little room trying my hardest not to think of those sad things that so often push their way into my concious mind. And talking to Julian helped a little. And then we got off the phone and I was left watching Roseanne all night.

Needless to say, I made it through the night, go me!!! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get through it either...I was so worried that being alone in the wretched room would bring up all sorts of awful thoughts, but it didn't. Usually when I'm alone my mind wanders and those thinsg arise...but not last night. I was able to fall asleep. The only reason I didn't sleep well is because I kept picturing Booth crying at the end of Bones. WTF! lol I'm totally messed up.

Anyway that's all for now, my beautiful readers! Thanks for listening... I might write more later if something amazing happens today that I just can't wait to tell you about. Think good thoughts and have a great day!!! :)