I can't stop crying!! I can't stop thinking!! I miss my son!!

I was doing my nails about an hour ago and ever since then I can't stop...I started thinking that if I was still pregnant I wouldn't be able to paint them, and I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress, and I could go into labor at the wedding, and I would have my son in a few days....

His birthday is in 8 days...I can't handle this!! I can't do this, this is so much harder than it has been. I don't think it fully hit me until today...knowing that no matter what on July 3rd I WILL NOT have a baby...He's not here, I won't see him again...I can't handle this.

Greg's at work and he can't be here with me right now so I'm all alone...I don't have anyone to talk to or lean on right now...and on his birthday Greg is working all day and into the evening because he doesn't want to think about it, but what about me? I need him!! I can't go through that day by myself, but I have to...Mom works until around 3 but I want Greg there also...

I want another baby so bad, but I swear to God I can't go through this again...Everything hurts...it hurts to eat crackers because it reminds me of morning sickness, it hurts to watch movies because during certain ones he was kicking the heck out of me, it hurts to listen to music because he always kicked so much when I sang...it hurts to eat, because I knew what he liked and didn't....

I love Adrian so much, but this is so much harder than when I lost him...I KNEW Elijah, I knew what he liked and what he didn't...I was 3 months away from holding him and kissing him and...I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE!! It's not fair!!

I can't handle this...I can't!! I need strength, I need to be stronger!! I won't make it if I keep crying like I am...

I looked at his pictures the other night. He had my ears, I just noticed it...his hands were so tiny and I remember what it felt like to hold his little body...I miss him so much...it's not fair. Why did this happen to us. We would have been great parents, he would have been well taken care of, he would have been more loved than most children out there...I just wish God would give me an answer...maybe it would make this easier.

I don't know if I can handle this....