Natta Latta

Greg came over and brought me these flowers the other day. :D They are so pretty, he's made a huge change. Last night we were laying in bed watching tv and he actually asked me if he could check the score of the game. It's kind of silly, he never did that before, he would just check it really quick and change it back. It was never a big deal to me, so I asked him why he asked me if he could do that instead of just doing it himself, and he said because I'm trying to be better.

When I walked into my room last night he was sprawled out on the bed and had the tv on a show he liked and I started laughing and said, what are you doing laying there turning my tv on like you live here. :) Just joking of course. He spent the night last night, I think mostly because he was just too tired to drive home. Either way, I slept better last night.

Past couple days that he has come over we have been in the living room watching 'True Blood' with mom. He actually likes the show, FINALLY I found a show I love as well as he. :D It's exciting.

He is buying me the GED study guide, and I'll be working on that soon, so if there aren't many posts that is why. My goal is to start school, online, when he does in the Fall.

I rearranged my room yesterday, I actually have space to do that now. Today I am going to work on my DVD collection and do laundry and all that good stuff. Currently I am watching 'Bled' on Fearnet, so far it's quite interesting.

Joe stopped talking to me again......not much else to say about that, because that's all I know.

Tisha's wedding is coming up, YAY! I'm excited for her! Her bachelorette party is Saturday. :D Just going out for a few drinks at the Featherbone here in town.

I don't have much else to say at the moment.

Happy blogging!!!! =E

:D Great Day

I just spent the whole day with Greg. Well from about 2:30. Mom Greg and I watched True Blood all day, finally found a show that Greg likes as well as me. :D It's about time!!!

I don't have much to say tonight, it was actually a very good day...maybe he was right, we did need time away...today was perfect...I just hope it stays this way.

There are more pictures on my other blog of us from today. :)

Goodnight bloggers!!

Explaination

Okay, so now that I have a little more time, I'll explain in more detail. I had all intentions on not going back. Moving forward and not looking back...but then Greg showed up.

It was awkward seeing him at first, I wanted to crawl across the bed, sit on his lap, and bawl my eyes out. I couldn't look at him, and for awhile he didn't look at me either. He started by explaining in more detail why he felt that he needed to move out. He said that he did it so that we would both realize that we need to get our lives together, going to school, saving money, etc...

He wants me to get my GED and go to school to be a kindergarten teacher like I keep saying I'm going to do...and he believes that if he was still living here, that I would not do it. Which isn't true by the way, if he would have said these things to me before and talk to me like I always asked him to, we may have been able to fix things before it got to this point.

He wants us to save money and get our own place eventually, and he feels that with him living here he won't be able to do that. He wants us to appreciate the time we get together more, because we both were taking it for granted...which is true.

He will still be here all the time, and on occasion spend the night. He just felt that we needed some time apart until we got our lives together...this will motivate me to move forward faster so that I can live with him again sooner...

I talked to quite a few people, and each one of those people kept saying how perfect we were together, how we should make this work, how we were the ones to make it, and so on, you get what I'm saying...and at first I was pissed, because I kept thinking GOD PEOPLE WE JUST BROKE UP SAY SOMETHING HELPFUL, but the more I thought about it, they were right...we are the ones to make it, and because of that, we can't give up when times get tough.

I was bitching about him giving up and chickening out, but I did the same thing. I was unwilling to work this out with him not living here...I gave up, the same way I accused him of doing. And that was hypocritical of me and childish...I don't agree with him moving out and the reasons, but he feels very strongly about it so I have no choice but to attempt to work this out...

I know that some of you may not understand this, but you'd have to see and feel how it is to be around us to understand that we love each other more than most couples do. We have a connection and love that is one from a movie.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and explain things. I have to go eat an apple and get things ready because Greg is coming over in a little while and once mom gets home we are all going to watch True Blood...Great show btw.

:) Happy Blogging!!!!

he came over and we talked. I can't get into it now, but bottom line. we are going to try...i'll give you all the details later on...

Every time something is good, it's torn away...

Another almost sleepless night for me, but that's no surprise, I've been sleeping next to Greg for almost a year now, it takes time to get used to him not being there... I just hate this, because I really did see us going all the way, the whole 9 yards you know? I saw us with children and grandchildren... I saw us happy and being one of those couples that die two days apart so that the other didn't have live without the other... I really felt this was it.

I know he's sad also, but he can't possibly feel how I do, he's the one that left. He's the one that chose not to stay here and try to work everything out, his solution was to move out...run away, even after I told him I couldn't handle it. I can't do this...I lost not only a man that I loved with all my heart and soul, but my best friend. The only person who knows me better than I know myself...I know break ups happen, but that will not keep me from bitching and crying. This really was supposed to be it, he was supposed to be the last man I was with. I wasn't supposed to have to start all over.

He said that he feels like Elijah's death happened so that we could get our lives together, which makes sense, but he also said that it happened so we could go out and see things and enjoy our 'adolescence' and that's bullshit! He's going to be 25 and I'm 22 there is no adolescence left in us, especially after losing a child. That experience makes people grow up not regress back to their teenage years.

Greg is a good man, and he was a great boyfriend up until the past month or so. I think that's why this is so much harder than even losing Julian. I expected Julian and I to break up after a while, but Greg and I were never supposed to. I never thought we would. He stuck around and waited for me for 7 years, how in the hell can he just throw all the time away, like it was wasted!? I always thought that because he waited so long for me that it was one of the many reasons we were going to make it.

I love him with every part of my mind body and soul. This is going to be something that will change me for the rest of my life...I loved Julian but my feelings for Greg were intensified by our deep connection to each other. There was more chemistry and passion between the two of us than I have seen with any other person. We didn't have much in common but our love should have been enough to get us through anything!

I feel like he failed me! He failed us! He gave up and ran away, and he expected us to survive it. I may be a strong person, in theory. But when it comes to this type of situation, when you loose the person you were wanting to spend the rest of your life with, you don't survive this. A large piece of you dies with the relationship, and I feel that already happening. It's inevitable I suppose, everything ends, but love is never supposed to die.

My chest is heavy, my heart is actually aching, my head is fuzzy, my ears are humming, my eyes are blurring...I feel like I've lost my soul...he held every part of me in the palm of his hand, and slowly closed his hand as he walked away, crushing my soul and spirit all in one action alone... Leaving me empty and broken. I know that one day I will start to heal, but I will never be whole, I will never be complete. He not only took 'me' with him, he took the parts of him that completed me. We were one person together, you can't be whole without that other half of yourself. I never was until we finally got together.

These 7 years couldn't have been for nothing. Our friendship that turned into the most loving fun filled expierence of my life, couldn't be all for nothing.

Every time something is good, it's torn away. That's my entire life story in one sentence. Every time I have something good going in my life, it's ripped from me like some cruel joke. Like God is looking down on me laughing saying, "HA, you thought you could be happy!! Stupid girl!" That may not be the case, but I promise you that is how it feels. I feel like my entire life has been nothing but one huge practical joke! I have nothing going for me, I have shit loads of health problems, I have no children, no love, no happiness anymore, I lost my best friend...

Yes I have a 'woe is me' attitude, but guess what!? If you don't want to read it go away, I have every right to be this way...

'Every time something is good, it's torn away...'

Broken

Greg moved out yesterday... it started off as him saying he wanted to move out so he could save money for when he's in school to support himself. I had told him when he first made the decision to go back to school that I would work while he was in school and all he would have to pay for was gas if he could. But no, that isn't good enough for Greg. He fought with me on every solution I tried to come up with so he didn't have to leave, he refused every single one of them.

He wanted to stay together and him just move out...I wasn't okay with that. I told him, especially at this time in my life, I am not strong enough to try to make it work like that. We can't go backwards on this. We can't live together for a year and then have him move out and expect the relationship to stay the same. It doesn't work that way. You don't just leave because shit gets tough! I asked him why he couldn't just stay and we can work something else out, but he wasn't having it. He refused and kept saying I'm leaving for a good reason. To save money for our future, and I kept saying if you move out we won't have a future so you'll have your money but you won't have me!

He still left. We broke up. I cried for hours. I didn't sleep.

All day he has been trying to convince me that this was the right thing to do, that I should give this a try. And all day we talked and went back and forth on it. He stopped by to bring me the tv back and was only here for a matter of 30 seconds. I was planning on talking to him, but he took off so fast I didn't have a chance. I was going to talk and tell him we could try it, but he left...

I txt him and asked if he was going out tonight, because he was all dressed up, and he said he has plans and is waiting for his friend to call him...I told him I wanted to talk tonight and he kept refusing saying that it would be better to do tomorrow. I told myself that if he came over tonight to talk that I would try to work this out, but if he decided to go out with his friends instead of come over to fix this I was done. I'm waiting for his reply as we speak... If he doesn't come over tonight, he obviously thinks his friends are more important.

And if he chooses his friends over having this conversation tonight, then he definitely isn't the person I fell in love with. He's more like Julian... I fought for us for so long, and just like that he gets up and moves out. It's not right. And I feel dumb for even considering trying to work this out like this but if he shows up I know he really wants this to work out. And like I said if he doesn't he's an asshole and I'm not going to stick around and deal with it. I've already cried way too much over him, just today alone...

He text back and said no. He said he can't do it tonight that it's hard on him and he can't see me tonight! It's all bullshit, I bet it's because he wants to be with his friends. I won't budge on this! I told him how it was and he didn't accept it. I didn't do anything wrong, this is not my fault. He ruined us! He broke us! We could have been great, but apparently I wasn't good enough to fit into his little world of drinking and hanging out with his friends all the time.

I just took a vicodin, for once not because I'm in pain. I'm hoping it knocks my ass out, I don't want to deal with this shit! This all happens less than a month away from Elijah's birthday. Julian did this same shit to me!

I can't deal with this. I'm a good person, I don't deserve shit like this! Why can't I just find someone who will love me and respect my decisions and views on life instead of always trying to change them!?

More bitching...

Greg apologized last night. We had somewhat of a 'text argument', we very rarely argue face to face. I try to talk to him face to face but he won't say a word or stares at me like I'm an idiot which pisses me off more, so majority of the time it's text arguments unless it's something that I NEED to say face to face.

Anyway I had text messaged him yesterday and asked if he wanted out, and if he did he needed to speak up and stop staying quiet about it, he replied, 'where did that come from.' I won't got word for word, sentence for sentence. Long story short he "told" me why he has been acting like this. He said he's in a 'weird' place right now, and that he's worried about us, school, work, his health, etc...And he's trying to learn to deal with the fact that he has health problems now, just like I do. He said that's a hard part, dealing with both of our health problems, he said it was easier when it was only me. SORRY BUD, you're just as unhealthy as I am!

He also said he's stressed out about working all the time to help out, and a bunch of stuff like that. So I then asked him, why don't you tell me these things before it gets to the point where I get pissed and start yelling and screaming at you!? If you did we could avoid all of this all together. He said I will talk to you more, I will kiss you goodbye, I will say I love you, I'm just sick of fighting. And I said, yeah well again, if you really do start communicating with me we wouldn't fight.

Greg and I used to NEVER fight. Now it's all the time, and it's usually about stupid stuff like this. But if he doesn't ever talk to me how am I supposed to know what is really going on in his head. I have been burned too many times by someone who never talked to me, and every worry that I had came true. So blame it on past relationships or whatever, but communication is a HUGE thing if he wants to stay with me. He said one reason why he never talks to me is because I have enough problems of my own to deal with and I don't need his on top of it all.

What he doesn't seem to understand though, no matter how many times I try to explain it, when he doesn't talk to me and he ignores me, it causes more problems then if he would just talk. I like when people talk to me about their problems, it takes my mind off of mine for awhile. Why does no one seem to get that? I love to help people, and be there for people when they need someone to talk to or cry to, or even just be there for someone and stay quiet if that's what's needed. Greg never allows that to happen.

I need to feel needed, that's another problem we have. Julian 'needed' me, he acted like a child most of the time, he wouldn't do something unless I reminded him a million times. If he was pissed off or upset or sad or anything he would talk to me about it and I would console him. I cooked him dinner, I took care of him when he was sick...I was and felt needed with Julian. Greg never needs me for anything, except sex of course. He doesn't talk to me, so I can't console him, when he's sick I try to take care of him, but he doesn't really let me do that either.

Like I said yesterday Greg and Julian are two totally different guys, Julian liked being taken care of, even when he said he didn't. Greg doesn't, period! Maybe it's my 'motherly instincts' that kicked in while I was pregnant with Adrian, and they just never went away. I have always babied everyone, but I never really needed to be needed, you know? I hate it, it's like I'm dependent on another person to need me for me to be happy. It's so twisted, I know. :(

I just want to feel needed, even if I'm not. I want to feel loved, and wanted, and pretty. I want him to get out of this stupid funk so he can go back to being the guy he used to be, the guy that I quit my job for and gave up everything else for. Not this new depressed ass hole guy.

I don't know, I guess I'll go now though. Have to find something to do. Maybe I'll do more research on Renfield's Syndrome. Did I tell you about that?? *waits for an answer*, No? Okay well Renfield's Syndrome is what my next book is going to be about. Renfield's is considered 'clinical vampirism'. :D Yay me! An interesting story with an interesting twist and definitely an interesting character. It fascinates me. Joe said he was going to help with it, so that's pretty sweet also.

I've done a lot of research on it, maybe my next post can explain to you exactly what it and why people become that way. But then again, maybe I'll just make you google it yourself. :D Hehe. Happy Blogging!!!