the end?

You know what I hate!? I hate when Greg leaves without saying goodbye, or giving me a kiss, or saying I love you!!! What if that was the last time I saw his face, and he didn't do or say any of those things!? It's rude in my opinion. Also, I hate that he never asks how I'm feeling, or if I'm feeling better...It's little things like that piss me off and drive me crazy.

I text messaged him yesterday and told him I was irritated with him because of those couple things and he came back with, "OMG I am so sorry for my rudeness." That of course pissed me off also. Lately he has been such an ass, he doesn't really talk to me and when he does it's filled with sarcasm.

The other night we were watching A&E and a commercial for a show called Obsessed came on (it's about people with OCD) and I asked him if I had that if he would still be with me, he said no. I was like that's kinda dickish you know, and he said I don't want to be with someone who has more problems than me, I have enough problems of my own, I don't need to deal with someone elses too. So I asked, why are you with me then, he replied, I'm still trying to figure that out. After maybe a half hour he said, I'm just kidding...

I personally don't think he was kidding, especially since lately he hasn't really talked to me or anything. And Lord knows, if I ask what's wrong I either get snapped at or get a response that pisses me off worse than him ignoring me. Last night he barely said anything to me, I think if I didn't talk we wouldn't have talked at all...Then at around midnight I turned over and said goodnight and he said it back and that was all. When he finally decided to go to sleep he laid on the floor and that's where he was all night. This morning his alarm went off and he got up and left without saying a word or giving me a kiss or anything...AGAIN!

I don't know if he's acting like a dick because Elijah's due date is coming up or what, all I know is that I don't need to deal with him acting this way, because ELIJAH'S DUE DATE IS COMING UP! Even if I asked him if that's why he's acting like a jerk he'd reply with, I'm not acting any different, nothing's wrong, why does something always have to be wrong, blah blah blah. He never talks to me, how are we supposed to have a functioning relationship when he NEVER tells me how he feels, not just about me, but about anything in general.

I've come to the point where I don't talk to him about my feelings either. If I don't talk to mom about it, I talk to a friend...and believe it or not, that friend has been there for me WAY more than Greg lately. I can repeat the same things over and over again and my friend will listen and respond with words that make me feel better the instant I read them. My friend is doing things and saying things that Greg should be doing, but is too self involved to give a shit about me and my feelings or needs.

I've gotten the feeling lately that we are on the verge of a break down...I feel like he doesn't want me like he used to, like it's comfortable here for him, so that's why he's not leaving. I don't feel loved like I used to, I don't feel wanted, I don't feel anything from him lately.

Maybe it's my fault. I mean seriously, I have two totally different guys, Greg and Julian, two guys that at one time or another loved me and wanted to be with me. Two guys that started off wanted to always cuddle and touch me and hold me and kiss me, and eventually started pulling away...Maybe I'm doing something wrong, Greg was supposed to the guy that never pulled away from me. He was supposed to be the guy he always claimed to be, the one that would never hurt me or make me cry. The one that would never doubt me or make me doubt him. And he's not that person anymore...Maybe losing Elijah made him this way, but to be honest, there wasn't much of a difference before when I was pregnant. He's been like this for a long time now.

It changed for a little while after we lost Elijah but now it's right back to where we were when I was pregnant. I feel like this is going no where. How am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone who, I feel, doesn't even treat this like a relationship? If he did, he would communicate. He would want to spend time together, he wouldn't ignore me, he would kiss me every chance he had...especially when he leaves. Maybe I don't want to be with a guy that has more emotional problems than I do! At least I express myself, I tell people how I feel...If I learned anything from Elijah, it's that life is over in an instant with no warning. So I won't let it go unknown how I feel about someone or something.

Greg keeps it all to himself. I'm not sure I can deal with it much longer. If this is all happening because Elijah's due date is coming up soon, I wish he would tell me. Because at this moment I can't help but think that by the time July 3rd comes around, I will be alone in my room mourning the death of my second child by myself...boyfriend-less.

Julian lied to me all the time, Greg doesn't talk...about anything!!! Maybe I attract the guys that seem good at first but turn out to have more problems than I do!? TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL DAMNIT! THAT'S ALL I ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I suppose I have written enough for one day.....................Even though I could go on and on and on about how this relationship has turned more into a room mate situation...but I won't. I've said enough for now.

Oh by the way, I might be watching a friends baby for a couple days... :) I'm finally okay to that, GO ME! I played with Heather's baby yesterday...Such a cute little chubber bubber!! :D We played Peek-a-boo lol, I think I had more fun than he did.

gah!!!!

I don't know if it's this new medication they put me on, or if it's starting to actually hit me...

Yesterday started off badly and ended badly, all around a horrible dreadful day. I woke up, got on the computer for about 30 minutes or so and then shut it down. I was too sick to even be on the computer, that's when you know something is wrong. I only smoked MAYBE 5 or 6 cigarettes yesterday also...usually it's a 1/2 a pack to a pack a day...again another clue that I was pretty sick.

My stomach was really messed up all day, don't worry I won't go into the disgusting details, enough was said with that line. All I know is that it was my turn to do dishes and I got pissed off because no one offered to do them for me since I was so sick, and when I asked Cyara to put the food away she threw a fit and wouldn't do it...I then went into the bathroom and started crying... WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

I cried over dishes??? Looking at that situation today, I have no clue what the hell I was crying for...dishes? because she didn't put the food away? because I was sick? Someone please explain!!

Then I proceeded to sit in the living room and watch Hells Kitchen with mom, after I did the dishes...mom offered by the way, after I started lol. I wasn't mad at her though. Anyway, after Hells Kitchen I went to my room excited to watch Glee, which was a horrible idea, I just didn't know it yet.

Now I don't know if any of you watch Glee, but in that show there is a pregnant girl...she was 8 months pregnant. Before the show was even on for 30 minutes she was rushed to the hospital because she was having her baby. During the time she was giving birth they were flashing back and forth between her and one of the other show choirs singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and I was bawling!!!!!!! That's not the worst part though. All of a sudden the nurse said to the girl, 'The baby is crowning' and OH MY GOD! I started sobbing!!!!!! I couldn't even see, every time I wiped my face more were splashing down, I couldn't keep up.

Now again, I don't know if it's that new medication or if it's starting to finally hit me since his due date is coming up...July 3rd. Either way, I don't like it! I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel what I felt last night. I've enjoyed the 'numb' feeling, if that's what you call it. I enjoyed not crying and staying pissed off. I think my doctor did this on purpose. What does crying get me?? It doesn't bring him back, so why can't I continue to stay pissed off? It's a much easier emotion.

If I cry one more time about something stupid or even about Elijah I'm going to stop taking these stupid pills. Anti-depressants have a tendency to make people depressed or more depressed...I won't put up with this. I don't want or need to cry, I'm dealing just fine the way I am. If I start crying I'm afraid it won't ever stop. GaH!!!!! I hate this! I hate feeling sad and depressed and empty.

I feel like if I continue to write it will just be me repeating the same stuff I have said over and over again...So I am going to end this blog before I annoy everyone who reads it.

I am going to end with this, 3 years is way to damn long for me to wait for another baby!!! I'll end up turning into the biggest bitch in the Midwest...you just wait and see.

PISSED OFF

Kristine's graduation is tomorrow...

I don't know if I have told you that one of Kristine's friends got pregnant soon after I did. At 16 weeks she started bleeding A LOT to the point that everyone thought she lost the baby...The baby was fine, it was a threatened miscarriage... Well anyway, for some reason it is extremely hard for me to be around her...I'm jealous, I'm angry, I'm wondering why her baby made it but mine didn't...I can't look at her pictures, I can't talk to her... And she will be at Kristine's graduation.

I had all intentions on trying to suck it up and keep the agonizing pain to myself. I wasn't going to say a word on how awful it felt knowing I was going to have to see her. Not because I'm mad at her, I'm just upset...I'm jealous, she has the one and only thing I want...while it has been taken from me twice. I was going to sit there and put on a fake smile and deal with it all... and then Kristine made a comment almost a half hour ago saying that her and her mother will be sitting by us. It was my fault I suppose that this started an argument, because I took my hand and made a gun shape and put it to my head...apparently no one liked that.

My mom started yelling at me saying that tomorrow is Kristine's day and that I need to suck it up for one day...which, as I stated above, I had all intentions on doing!!!! Kristine and my mom kept saying shit that made me feel awful...Like I'm this huge bitch because it's hard for me to be around her...Without saying the words they made me feel like I should be over this by now...even though that was probably not their intention, that is how I feel now. I feel like a whinny little bitch!!!

I hate this! I hate that they don't understand what it's like. I hate that they don't know why I feel and act the way I do now. Greg doesn't even understand...I'm not crazy, I'm not depressed, I'm fucking pissed the fuck off!!! And when I have people making me feel guilty for my emotions and how I look and feel about certain situations it doesn't make it any better!!

I never said I was angry with Nikki, I never said I wanted any harm to come to her or her baby, I never said anything negative about her...all I said was it is going to be hard for me...BUT OH NO, that is not acceptable. I am not aloud to have any emotion tomorrow unless it pertains to Kristine. Even if I was to keep the hurt and anger to myself, I would still get bitched at.

It is Kristine's day, I understand that and I respect that. That is why I was going to keep my mouth shut, and shut down...That way I wouldn't cry and be upset until after it was all over. And they keep making me feel like shit. Like I am going to ruin Kristine's graduation because of my sad little depressing life. Like I am going to cry and complain and be a bitch because I'm hurting, instead of trying to make this day great for Kristine...It's bullshit! Give me some fucking credit!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this day, I hate this week, I hate this month! There has been absolutely NO good that has come out of this year so far...only pain and agony. And I don't even have anyone to share this pain with...Greg doesn't talk about his feelings with me, so I am not going to talk to him about mine. Kristine seems to think that I need to get over it already, she's said it before. And Mom just says nothing...She used to be the one I would go to, but now I have no one...No one gets it, no one understands what it's like to have your life ripped away from you in the blink of an eye... No one understands how it feels to be left with this gaping whole in your chest, not sure if it will ever again be whole...No one in this house understands what it's like to have your son, that you have carried and grown to love, taken away...to feel the emptiness in your stomach...in your heart.

I am not a whinny baby...I am not a bitch! I have valid reasons for being sad and pissed off. I have valid reasons for being upset when I see Nikki...I have valid reasons for everything I do...I lost another son, why does no one understand that!

I will keep my mouth shut! I won't say a word to anyone any more about how I feel...I just get bitched at when I do. I will keep my feelings bottled up, and I will come and talk here...This is the only place I don't get bitched at or made to feel like shit!

I have nothing else...Another child was taken from me...it takes time for that to heal. Get that through your heads everyone out there that thinks I should have gotten over it!!!!!!

Nothing in Particular

Well I had my doctors appointment yesterday. I went in at 9 and didn't get out of the building until a little after 12. I was forced to talk to the councilor there, because they thought I was going through Post Pardom Depression, or whatever it is called. So I talked to her for awhile and she made me feel like I was dumb. It came up about my "phobias" because I do have a lot of them, one being me not having children, another of clowns, and another of driving...just to name a few.

Anyway after talking to her, I was prescribed some kind of anti anxiety/depressant pill...it's ridiculous. I'm not depressed, I am pissed off!! I am angry, all the time, not sad! But whatever...

My doctor is sending me to a specialist for my lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever the hell it is that I have. He has given me lyrica that I will get in the mail in a few weeks to take, hopefully it helps with the pain. Because my Tramadol and flexerall aren't helping very much anymore... It sucks!

I feel really strange today, like I'm not mad, or angry, or happy, or really feeling any emotion. It's not because of the pills lol they don't work that fast. I just feel...weird. I don't know, it's probably not important.

I watched 'Jumping Jack Flash' this morning, I love that movie. I am now watching 'The Perfect Man' because there isn't anything on T.V.

Anyway, I'm gonna jet, and go play some pogo or something. Maybe double up on my meds so I can get some relief from this stupid pain...

Happy Blogging!!!

Celebrate...

I just wrote a letter to Joe and it made me realize something. While it is devastating to me that Adrian and Elijah are gone. They both have changed my life so dramatically there's really no way to explain it.

Adrian was my first and he made me grow from a child to a young adult. He showed me that I needed to grow up, I needed to face reality and I could not hide from it. He gave me the strength to leave Julian, I truly believe that. If Adrian never came along, I believe that I would still be sitting here going through all the crap Julian put me through for years and years. And Julian and I would not be friends at the end of our relationship like we are now, because I would have grown to hate him!

Elijah was with me for six months. He grew inside of me, and with him I grew also. He showed me that no matter how perfect things may seem, there is always an end to it. There will always be something that goes wrong. He showed me that life is short, it is over in an instant. Like I said to Joe, there are no goodbyes, no warning, no closure. In the end everyone dies, and with death you lose a large piece of yourself...When Elijah died I lost my sanity, I lost my love, my faith, my playfulness. I lost just about everything. I didn't think I would get through it.

I put on a happy face and pretended that I was handling everything fine, but behind closed doors, in the shower, or when I pretended to go to the bathroom, I would break down. This has been very difficult for me because I thought I would be having a beautiful baby boy to raise. I've cried and cried so many times I've lost count. And while I know that crying for both my sons will never stop, I can look at the bigger picture now. Elijah opened me up to a world that I had blocked off. He opened my eyes to see that you mustn't take any moment for granted. You have to tell people how you feel the minute you feel it.

Congratulate people for their accomplishments no matter how small they seem to you. Hug one another, kiss one another, don't let a second pass where you don't express some kind of emotion.

Don't feel sorry for yourself in upsetting situations, like I have. I let myself get down, I blamed myself even when I knew nothing could be done. I wallowed in self pity, I hated God, I hated everyone around me. I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. I love my boys more than anyone in this entire world. And the thing that keeps me going is that I will see them again one day and when I do I want them to be proud of me. I want them to know that Mommy tried her hardest to make a good life for herself, and that their lives were celebrated more than they were mourned.

I believe that is what everyone that passes wants us to do. Celebrate them, you can cry, and be angry and hurt, but don't let it consume you. Because once it does, you may not be able to find your way back to YOU. Celebrate the lives of our lost ones, celebrate the fact that they are no longer in pain...Celebrate that fact that we were lucky enough to love them and have them love us in return.

I will always be sad, I will always be hurt, and I will never be whole. But I also will never forget them, and I will always hold them in my heart. And because of that, I feel that I can move on. They've given me the strength to move on, go wake up and do something with my life. They've loved me and that is all that matters. For the short while that Adrian and Elijah were here, they loved me. I want to make them proud, and I won't let them down.

So to all of you who have lost someone you love, remember these words. Celebrate their lives, don't mourn their death.

A poem for my boys

I love my unborn children,
That God took away from me.
I asked him why he did it,
and he replied "You see,
I did it for the ones you love,
the two that are now watching from above."

But why did you take my boys,
I do not understand.
"I did not take them from you dear,
They never left your side.
You'll see them once again, my dear.
At heavens gates they'll cry,
'I love you Mommy, welcome home.' and whisper in your ear,
'I missed you Mommy, where have you been?
We've been waiting here for years.'

You'll walk to them both standing there,
tears filling all your eyes.
You'll grab your boys and cry in joy,
There will never be another goodbye.

You'll kiss your kids upon the cheek
and grab their tiny hands.
You'll never have to cry again,
You've come to the promise land."

This morning started off badly, I had barely any coffee left in the pot, my coffee cup was dirty because someone used it, there was garbage on the kitchen floor because the dogs got into it and I forgot to do the dishes last night so the kitchen was a mess. And then for some reason I got a sudden rush of sadness and wanted to write something for the babies. So I wrote that poem.

It's nothing special, but it's from my heart. It's what I think will happen when I finally get to see them again. Both my beautiful boys hugging me and talking to me. I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I don't know why but I feel a little better right now after writing that poem. Like those words really did come from God...I know it sounds strange, but I believe those were his words. Like he was telling me that I WILL see them again.

I haven't been angry with him for awhile, but I have still questioned him. And now, I know there are no answers for why he took Adrian and Elijah from me. It's just something that was meant to be. I know one day I'll have a child that will make it, but they will never take the place of the two before them. And I'll tell my child of their two brothers that passed away.

I don't really have much else to say at the moment. I'm still in rhyming mode in my head so I think I might write some more. But until I write again, think happy thoughts and don't take anything for granted.

Results are In......

The doctor called me last night a little after 9 pm. She starts the conversation with, "well I've gone over your chart over and over again and I think I've found the problem." So in turn I responded, "Okay..."

"Remember when you said you had Lupus but I couldn't find it anywhere in your charts where there was a positive result."

"Yes."

"Okay, well I found it. However, I don't think it's Lupus you have. The test result that came back on that test your other doctor ran showed some kind of disease, it could of been mistaken for Fibromyalgia, Lupus, or anything like that. The reason we did not get a positive test result back when we ran those tests was because when you have a disease like that," (of the muscles or bones)"it can go into remission and then reappear."

"Okay..."

"And on the placenta report, all it came back saying was that there was an infection of the placenta as well as one blood clot. However, we are not sure if the blood clot came before or after your baby died and the infection might be caused by the fluid in the sack. But I feel that the first baby you lost and this are connected in some way with whatever disease you have. I think they all go hand in hand. I don't see why you can't still get pregnant when you are emotionally ready, but you need to get into a specialist as soon as you find out you're pregnant and you should be fine."

"So both loses are because of whatever is wrong with me?"

"I'm not sure, I just know lightening doesn't strike unless there is a reason, and this being your second loss I do think it has something to do with it. But as long as you get into a specialist I think you should have a successful pregnancy next time. But I do know, this is not your fault."

"So in other words my body just hates me?" *chuckles*

*laughs* "It seems your body doesn't like you very much." *laughs*

"Okay, well this sucks. I'm just saying."

"I know I wish I had more answers for you."

"So I have some disease that is commonly mistaken for lupus and all of that but no one knows what it is and no one knows anything really about why I lost Elijah."

"Right. I'm sorry I don't have the answers you need. They looked over and over that placenta, and this is all that came back. And like I said I rechecked your records and that is when I saw the test results for the 'disease' they thought was lupus."

"Okay...Well thank you very much for calling."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry again. Just remember, the second you get pregnant get into a doctor so they can refer you to a specialist. If you came to me I'd probably put you on blood thinners but you should go to a specialist next time. Okay?"

"Okay, thanks again."

"Alright, your records will be copied and waiting for you to pick up. Bye Nicole."

"Bye."

So that is a rough play back of my conversation with the doctor last night. They really have nothing on the placenta and apparently have no clue why I'm in pain all the time and what the hell is wrong with me. I liked it better when I thought I had lupus or fibromyalgia or whatever. At least I knew something. Now I know I have something like that but nothing to tell me exactly what it is.

I am at a loss for words, really. Which doesn't happen often. I mean it's not the doctors fault, by the way this is the doctor and nurse that I like. It's not my fault...it's my body's fault and whatever disease I have inside of me.

At this point it's not just about having a baby anymore, I mean we all know I want and NEED a child. But this is more than that. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to know if whatever disease it is that I have will cause me to one day be in a wheel chair, and if so, I'd like to be prepared for that. I'd like to know if my joints are going to lock up, or my bones will be so brittle they break for no reason...or that my muscles are going to deteriorate so bad that I won't be able to stand the pain! I want some answers!! Is that too much to ask?

I don't have the money to get actual insurance, I don't have the money to go to a 'specialist' for this kind of thing. I can't afford to have something like this wrong with me, I can't afford the answers that I need... My doctor, my original personal doctor, is a good man, and his office takes people without insurance but they only cover so much. They don't cover MRIs or Catscans or X-rays. Let alone anything I might need to get done to know what is going on with me... And if I wait to find it all out after I get pregnant next time, maybe there won't be enough information for them to take care of me and the baby. So I have to do all of this before I get pregnant. Which means, I can't have a baby for a very long time...

I expected the to say I couldn't have children because my womb was weak or my uterus was messed up...not to tell me I could have children but I have some sort of weird disease that they don't even know what it is. What the hell is that about!? I'm frustrated, I'm furious, I'm confused, and I'm wondering why in the hell couldn't I be one of the lucky women? Why couldn't I be healthy, and have a successful first and second and third and so on pregnancy. Why does something have to be wrong with me all the time? Why do I have to be in pain every day of my life? Why does it have to hurt just to stand up or sit down?

I'm a good person, it's not fair! I don't deserve this, and neither does Greg or anyone in my family. What if I do end up in a wheel chair or something? They will have to push me around everywhere, they will have to take care of me!? How could I have a child if that's the case? I wouldn't be able to hold my child or play with them...I don't know, I realize I'm getting ahead of myself. But put yourself in my position, what if you were told you have something but they have no clue what it is...I'm sure you'd act the same way.

You know I went to the doctor when I was 11 yrs old, maybe 12, to figure out what was wrong with me...they said it was growing pains. If they actually ran tests or whatever maybe they could have figured something out sooner, and maybe I'd have both my boys right now. I'm not blaming anyone, and I know doing the "what if" thing is never a good idea, but it just makes me wonder. I've been in pain since 11 yrs old, and no one took it serious. "It's just growing pains." That's what I always heard. At least now there is medical proof that something is wrong with me, so if anyone doubted me or thought I was over exaggerating, I guess they are proven wrong now. Even though I wish I was the one proven wrong in this situation.

My body hates me...My body is angry and broken. And yet here I am still thinking about having a baby...I won't be that selfish. I won't have a child unless I know I will be around to watch it grow up and get married and have children of their own. I won't have a child unless I know I can hold them and tuck them into bed and go up the stairs to comfort them when they have a bad dream. I will not be selfish with this! I want this too much but if it comes down to it and I have to settle with no children because of whatever is wrong with me, I'll do it...This is not a situation to be selfish with.

I think I'm done. I have to go take something because my back hurts, again!...

That's all...