I'm trying to quit smoking!! I have only had 1 today...that's HUGE for me...I might have about one more before bed, which is still awesome for me, so be proud, I am!! It's so hard to try and quit, I'm going crazy. It's hardest after I eat and when I'm irritated.
That's what made me smoke in the first place earlier, Kristine pissed me off, she called me that word that she always does that makes me freak the F out!! GAH she makes me sick!!
I'm watching I shouldn't be Alive at the moment. Nothing else to do...
I worked on my GED a little today, I took one of the practice tests before I started studying just to see how dumb I was. I passed everything but the math part. I'm still obviously going to study the whole book, what else do I have to do, huh??
I'm bored...I think I might go play some pogo...get my mind off of how BAD I WANT AN EFFIN CIGARETTE!! :(
Sad
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tisha's wedding
So the wedding was fabulous. I'm going to post a BUNCH of pictures on my other blog once I'm done writing here.
I cried about a million times at the ceremony, which isn't a shocker. Most people do. Greg had never been to a wedding before and he kept saying he wouldn't cry and he had to suck it up a few times. lol
Latisha was absolutly gorgeous!! I love her to bits and pieces really!! :D Her family knew all about me and kept saying how much she talks about me and loves me. And how I brought her out of her shell and everything, which in turn made me cry more!! I love her family they are all sooo sweet!!
Her sister was the maid of honor and she came walking up to me with the bouquet and said, "This is supposed to be yours. She wanted you there all along." It was so sweet, and I cried again lol. Her brothers were very sweet and everyone kept thanking me for being a good friend to her, and welcomed me so warmly. They are all wonderful people and I was sad to say goodbye to them. I kept getting more and more drinks and dancing more and more with her family. :D I love them already!!
They did the money dance and I danced with Mark, Latisha's husband. He just kept saying how happy he was and how he couldn't help but cry. And how much he loved her! It was so sweet and he just kept saying those things over and over again so I told him he was making me want to puke. lol :D They are so much in love, it's wonderful. They will make it for the rest of their lives, I know they will.
By the end of the reception I had around 9 beers and a vodka and sprite...my god was I drunk. Greg dropped me off and I went to walk into the hallway to walk to my room and I slipped and fell. I think I broke my ass! lol Cyara was CRACKING UP she thought that was the funniest thing in the world. Once I got into the room I realized how much I really hurt myself lol. It feels like I rode a horse all day yesterday lol.
Cyara came in and woke me up today and asked if I was still drunk lol. It was funny as hell. But that is why I only drink once in a while, as much fun as I had I don't enjoy the dry mouth and weird feeling the next day. I don't feel sick and I don't have a headache but I can definitely tell I was drunk last night. :D I had a lot of fun. :)
Well I don't know what else to say at the moment, today has barely begun.
Happy Blogging!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I can't stop crying!! I can't stop thinking!! I miss my son!!
I was doing my nails about an hour ago and ever since then I can't stop...I started thinking that if I was still pregnant I wouldn't be able to paint them, and I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress, and I could go into labor at the wedding, and I would have my son in a few days....
His birthday is in 8 days...I can't handle this!! I can't do this, this is so much harder than it has been. I don't think it fully hit me until today...knowing that no matter what on July 3rd I WILL NOT have a baby...He's not here, I won't see him again...I can't handle this.
Greg's at work and he can't be here with me right now so I'm all alone...I don't have anyone to talk to or lean on right now...and on his birthday Greg is working all day and into the evening because he doesn't want to think about it, but what about me? I need him!! I can't go through that day by myself, but I have to...Mom works until around 3 but I want Greg there also...
I want another baby so bad, but I swear to God I can't go through this again...Everything hurts...it hurts to eat crackers because it reminds me of morning sickness, it hurts to watch movies because during certain ones he was kicking the heck out of me, it hurts to listen to music because he always kicked so much when I sang...it hurts to eat, because I knew what he liked and didn't....
I love Adrian so much, but this is so much harder than when I lost him...I KNEW Elijah, I knew what he liked and what he didn't...I was 3 months away from holding him and kissing him and...I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE!! It's not fair!!
I can't handle this...I can't!! I need strength, I need to be stronger!! I won't make it if I keep crying like I am...
I looked at his pictures the other night. He had my ears, I just noticed it...his hands were so tiny and I remember what it felt like to hold his little body...I miss him so much...it's not fair. Why did this happen to us. We would have been great parents, he would have been well taken care of, he would have been more loved than most children out there...I just wish God would give me an answer...maybe it would make this easier.
I don't know if I can handle this....
I was doing my nails about an hour ago and ever since then I can't stop...I started thinking that if I was still pregnant I wouldn't be able to paint them, and I wouldn't be able to fit into my dress, and I could go into labor at the wedding, and I would have my son in a few days....
His birthday is in 8 days...I can't handle this!! I can't do this, this is so much harder than it has been. I don't think it fully hit me until today...knowing that no matter what on July 3rd I WILL NOT have a baby...He's not here, I won't see him again...I can't handle this.
Greg's at work and he can't be here with me right now so I'm all alone...I don't have anyone to talk to or lean on right now...and on his birthday Greg is working all day and into the evening because he doesn't want to think about it, but what about me? I need him!! I can't go through that day by myself, but I have to...Mom works until around 3 but I want Greg there also...
I want another baby so bad, but I swear to God I can't go through this again...Everything hurts...it hurts to eat crackers because it reminds me of morning sickness, it hurts to watch movies because during certain ones he was kicking the heck out of me, it hurts to listen to music because he always kicked so much when I sang...it hurts to eat, because I knew what he liked and didn't....
I love Adrian so much, but this is so much harder than when I lost him...I KNEW Elijah, I knew what he liked and what he didn't...I was 3 months away from holding him and kissing him and...I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE!! It's not fair!!
I can't handle this...I can't!! I need strength, I need to be stronger!! I won't make it if I keep crying like I am...
I looked at his pictures the other night. He had my ears, I just noticed it...his hands were so tiny and I remember what it felt like to hold his little body...I miss him so much...it's not fair. Why did this happen to us. We would have been great parents, he would have been well taken care of, he would have been more loved than most children out there...I just wish God would give me an answer...maybe it would make this easier.
I don't know if I can handle this....
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Catch Up
I'm sitting here watching Forensic Files, I love this show. Granted when I watch it and Greg isn't here it kind of freaks me out!! Shows like this always do when I'm alone.
True Blood was AMAZING on Sunday, I can't wait a whole week!!!! I am so utterly obsessed it's not even funny. Mom Greg and I all are, it's a fantastic show. And to think I never wanted to give it a chance, pssh I'm glad I did. They will be bringing a new hottie werewolf in the next episode I think, I still love my vampire Bill and my human Jason most though. Anyway I won't bore you with my True Blood obsession, I know most of you probably don't watch it.
I don't know if I mentioned because of everything that went on recently, but Friday we lost our electricity and it didn't come back on until Saturday night at 9...It was horrible, it was hot, and dark and scary...I was so scared. I'm horribly afraid of the dark, and of course Greg was out of town so I had to sleep alone. It seems like every time something bad happens or scary happens Greg is gone and can't come over to make me feel better. It's not really his fault, but it still sucks.
I still haven't talked to Kristine. I'm assuming she told Josh what I said too because he hasn't tried talking to me either. I don't regret saying what I said to her because it's true, but I just hate that a guy has turned two sisters against eachother. It's bullshit!! She's not speaking to mom either, neither one of us know why. It doesn't make any sense.
We had a bunch of storms today, pretty bad ones. To the point where we were heading over to the neighbors to hide in their basement. I refused to leave thought, because I couldn't find Paige, my cat. I wasn't going to leave her sitting somewhere, we were going to put all the animals in the bathroom. We got all of them in there except Paige and I kept saying I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL SHE'S SAFE!! I mean seriously, she's my baby...she's the only one I have with me now...I wasn't going to let her be in danger.
Greg and I were talking and it came out that he doesn't mind if we get pregnant again soon, we just aren't going to necessarily try. I took a pregnancy test today, because there were a few things that made us all think I might of been pregnant. 1-I have been eating Cheese Whizz and crackers and apples like crazy. 2- I have been pooping regularly, sorry about the pooping thing lol. I've never been regular except for when I was pregnant. 3- I seem to be gaining weight, when I am still eating good, except the cheese and crackers of course lol. But the test was negative. I've decided I don't know if I even want to tell people when I do get pregnant.
If this next pregnancy is successful I want to name the baby something meaning 'miracle' or something like that.
Well it's almost midnight so I'm going to get to bed, Greg and I have a 'date' tomorrow. :) We haven't had one of those since Valentine's Day. I can't wait!! I just hope I don't look like too much of a fat ass in regular clothes!! (I usually wear yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt) lol
Goodnight Bloggers!!
True Blood was AMAZING on Sunday, I can't wait a whole week!!!! I am so utterly obsessed it's not even funny. Mom Greg and I all are, it's a fantastic show. And to think I never wanted to give it a chance, pssh I'm glad I did. They will be bringing a new hottie werewolf in the next episode I think, I still love my vampire Bill and my human Jason most though. Anyway I won't bore you with my True Blood obsession, I know most of you probably don't watch it.
I don't know if I mentioned because of everything that went on recently, but Friday we lost our electricity and it didn't come back on until Saturday night at 9...It was horrible, it was hot, and dark and scary...I was so scared. I'm horribly afraid of the dark, and of course Greg was out of town so I had to sleep alone. It seems like every time something bad happens or scary happens Greg is gone and can't come over to make me feel better. It's not really his fault, but it still sucks.
I still haven't talked to Kristine. I'm assuming she told Josh what I said too because he hasn't tried talking to me either. I don't regret saying what I said to her because it's true, but I just hate that a guy has turned two sisters against eachother. It's bullshit!! She's not speaking to mom either, neither one of us know why. It doesn't make any sense.
We had a bunch of storms today, pretty bad ones. To the point where we were heading over to the neighbors to hide in their basement. I refused to leave thought, because I couldn't find Paige, my cat. I wasn't going to leave her sitting somewhere, we were going to put all the animals in the bathroom. We got all of them in there except Paige and I kept saying I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL SHE'S SAFE!! I mean seriously, she's my baby...she's the only one I have with me now...I wasn't going to let her be in danger.
Greg and I were talking and it came out that he doesn't mind if we get pregnant again soon, we just aren't going to necessarily try. I took a pregnancy test today, because there were a few things that made us all think I might of been pregnant. 1-I have been eating Cheese Whizz and crackers and apples like crazy. 2- I have been pooping regularly, sorry about the pooping thing lol. I've never been regular except for when I was pregnant. 3- I seem to be gaining weight, when I am still eating good, except the cheese and crackers of course lol. But the test was negative. I've decided I don't know if I even want to tell people when I do get pregnant.
If this next pregnancy is successful I want to name the baby something meaning 'miracle' or something like that.
Well it's almost midnight so I'm going to get to bed, Greg and I have a 'date' tomorrow. :) We haven't had one of those since Valentine's Day. I can't wait!! I just hope I don't look like too much of a fat ass in regular clothes!! (I usually wear yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt) lol
Goodnight Bloggers!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Shitty day
Well earlier today I got into a huge fight with Kristine. She came barging into my room and yelling and screaming at me saying her and Josh weren't having sex in the shower last night and blah blah blah. I yelled back about how I couldn't stand either one of them anymore and they were both lazy ass holes and pretty much everything I typed out this morning.
She kicked her leg out to kick me but missed so she picked up a shoe and chucked it at me. The instant she did that she took off and ran into her room and locked the door behind her. I then started banging on the door trying to get in, because I swear to God at that point I was going to beat the hell out of her!!! Lucky for her the door wouldn't open! I came back into my room and looked down at my hand and realized that something was wrong.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but I had a cyst on my wrist, it hurt really bad and was a pretty nice size too. Anyway when I looked down it was gone and my wrist was swollen and flat...The cyst burst. I can barely move my hand and as of right now am in a lot of pain from it. I called the ER to make sure that nothing serious was wrong, they said if I continue to have trouble and pain moving my hand and wrist to come in for an x-ray...
Anyway, bottom line, I am done with Kristine.
On another F*d up note, I just found out that 1-Greg has to work on Elijah's birthday so I will be alone until around 5 pm. 2-Greg is going to be in Colorado with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party on Aug 2nd, our one year anniversary..................................WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
Obviously nothing can be worked out to fix that, but celebrating the day after like he wants to is NOT the same!!! I have a right to be pissed and hurt and upset about it, but from what I'm getting he doesn't seem to understand that. I obviously don't expect him not to go but I DO expect him to understand that I DESERVE to be upset about this!! It's our one year anniversary, that's a big deal ya know!!!
Sheesh, this whole day freaking blows!!!! I'm going to bed and I pray to God that tomorrow is better...
Goodnight Bloggers!!
She kicked her leg out to kick me but missed so she picked up a shoe and chucked it at me. The instant she did that she took off and ran into her room and locked the door behind her. I then started banging on the door trying to get in, because I swear to God at that point I was going to beat the hell out of her!!! Lucky for her the door wouldn't open! I came back into my room and looked down at my hand and realized that something was wrong.
I don't know if I mentioned this before but I had a cyst on my wrist, it hurt really bad and was a pretty nice size too. Anyway when I looked down it was gone and my wrist was swollen and flat...The cyst burst. I can barely move my hand and as of right now am in a lot of pain from it. I called the ER to make sure that nothing serious was wrong, they said if I continue to have trouble and pain moving my hand and wrist to come in for an x-ray...
Anyway, bottom line, I am done with Kristine.
On another F*d up note, I just found out that 1-Greg has to work on Elijah's birthday so I will be alone until around 5 pm. 2-Greg is going to be in Colorado with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party on Aug 2nd, our one year anniversary..................................WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
Obviously nothing can be worked out to fix that, but celebrating the day after like he wants to is NOT the same!!! I have a right to be pissed and hurt and upset about it, but from what I'm getting he doesn't seem to understand that. I obviously don't expect him not to go but I DO expect him to understand that I DESERVE to be upset about this!! It's our one year anniversary, that's a big deal ya know!!!
Sheesh, this whole day freaking blows!!!! I'm going to bed and I pray to God that tomorrow is better...
Goodnight Bloggers!!
I'm done with ass hole people!!!
Okay, so I am at the point where I am going to bitch and moan and I honestly don't care if all of you think I'm a whinny little bitch...
I am sick of Josh and Kristine both!! They both are lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful pieces of shit!!!! Neither one of them work, and when they do somehow find money they don't offer any of it to mom! They spend it all on stupid stuff and never help with bills or food or anything but you bet your ass they eat all the food and drink all the drinks and use all the water to take showers but NEVER help pay for it all!!!!
They won't even do their effin chores! And when I ask them to or whatever they say 'I will' and never end up doing it so that mom and I have to do it!! I can't stand to even look at either of them anymore!!!! Last night I walked out of my room to go to the bathroom and someone was in the shower, I had to pee really bad so I started bangin on the door because if it was only Kristine I was going to go in and pee. She yelled back 'I'm almost done!' and then I kept banging like 3 or 4 more times and didn't get any answers. I walked away and made my way towards my moms room to go pee in there praying i didn't wake her up at 1 in the morning...
I heard the bathroom door open and looked over to see Josh's ugly ass trying to sneak out of the bathroom! THEY WERE TAKING AN EFFIN SHOWER TOGETHER DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT!?!?!? One of moms rules for those two low lifes is NO SEX in her house! I woke up this morning and my coffee cup was dirty for the thousandth time and there was no coffee!!! BECAUSE JOSHS UGLY PIECE OF SHIT ASS drank it all and dirtied my cup. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but seriously, you don't understand how many times I have asked him not to do that and he doesn't listen. I literally have to hide my cup in my room and make more coffee when i get up. It's bullshit!!!
If they aren't gone within the next few months, I swear i am going to move out! I don't care if I have to live with my dad or on the friken streets!!! I can't stand them anymore!!!!
I am sick of Josh and Kristine both!! They both are lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful pieces of shit!!!! Neither one of them work, and when they do somehow find money they don't offer any of it to mom! They spend it all on stupid stuff and never help with bills or food or anything but you bet your ass they eat all the food and drink all the drinks and use all the water to take showers but NEVER help pay for it all!!!!
They won't even do their effin chores! And when I ask them to or whatever they say 'I will' and never end up doing it so that mom and I have to do it!! I can't stand to even look at either of them anymore!!!! Last night I walked out of my room to go to the bathroom and someone was in the shower, I had to pee really bad so I started bangin on the door because if it was only Kristine I was going to go in and pee. She yelled back 'I'm almost done!' and then I kept banging like 3 or 4 more times and didn't get any answers. I walked away and made my way towards my moms room to go pee in there praying i didn't wake her up at 1 in the morning...
I heard the bathroom door open and looked over to see Josh's ugly ass trying to sneak out of the bathroom! THEY WERE TAKING AN EFFIN SHOWER TOGETHER DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT!?!?!? One of moms rules for those two low lifes is NO SEX in her house! I woke up this morning and my coffee cup was dirty for the thousandth time and there was no coffee!!! BECAUSE JOSHS UGLY PIECE OF SHIT ASS drank it all and dirtied my cup. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but seriously, you don't understand how many times I have asked him not to do that and he doesn't listen. I literally have to hide my cup in my room and make more coffee when i get up. It's bullshit!!!
If they aren't gone within the next few months, I swear i am going to move out! I don't care if I have to live with my dad or on the friken streets!!! I can't stand them anymore!!!!
Friday, June 18, 2010
:(
I am utterly obsessed with this show. We all are. Greg, mom, and I. We watched 2 full seasons in about 4 or 5 days, and are now waiting for Sunday to roll around to watch the second episode of the 3rd season. It's a fantastic show!!!!
Greg went to Chicago today to visit his mom and sisters. One of his sisters just had a baby not long ago, so he's going to see the baby also. I've seen pictures, she is so adorable.
I'm in a LOT of pain today...almost unbearable!! I have already taken a vicodin and it is NOT helping at all!!! I just want to cry!!!! I hate being in pain and I don't understand why I can't have even just one day without hurting...it's so frustrating!!! Everything the doctors give me help for an hour or two and then it doesn't help anymore!! I hate it! I can't handle this anymore!!
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