More bitching...

Greg apologized last night. We had somewhat of a 'text argument', we very rarely argue face to face. I try to talk to him face to face but he won't say a word or stares at me like I'm an idiot which pisses me off more, so majority of the time it's text arguments unless it's something that I NEED to say face to face.

Anyway I had text messaged him yesterday and asked if he wanted out, and if he did he needed to speak up and stop staying quiet about it, he replied, 'where did that come from.' I won't got word for word, sentence for sentence. Long story short he "told" me why he has been acting like this. He said he's in a 'weird' place right now, and that he's worried about us, school, work, his health, etc...And he's trying to learn to deal with the fact that he has health problems now, just like I do. He said that's a hard part, dealing with both of our health problems, he said it was easier when it was only me. SORRY BUD, you're just as unhealthy as I am!

He also said he's stressed out about working all the time to help out, and a bunch of stuff like that. So I then asked him, why don't you tell me these things before it gets to the point where I get pissed and start yelling and screaming at you!? If you did we could avoid all of this all together. He said I will talk to you more, I will kiss you goodbye, I will say I love you, I'm just sick of fighting. And I said, yeah well again, if you really do start communicating with me we wouldn't fight.

Greg and I used to NEVER fight. Now it's all the time, and it's usually about stupid stuff like this. But if he doesn't ever talk to me how am I supposed to know what is really going on in his head. I have been burned too many times by someone who never talked to me, and every worry that I had came true. So blame it on past relationships or whatever, but communication is a HUGE thing if he wants to stay with me. He said one reason why he never talks to me is because I have enough problems of my own to deal with and I don't need his on top of it all.

What he doesn't seem to understand though, no matter how many times I try to explain it, when he doesn't talk to me and he ignores me, it causes more problems then if he would just talk. I like when people talk to me about their problems, it takes my mind off of mine for awhile. Why does no one seem to get that? I love to help people, and be there for people when they need someone to talk to or cry to, or even just be there for someone and stay quiet if that's what's needed. Greg never allows that to happen.

I need to feel needed, that's another problem we have. Julian 'needed' me, he acted like a child most of the time, he wouldn't do something unless I reminded him a million times. If he was pissed off or upset or sad or anything he would talk to me about it and I would console him. I cooked him dinner, I took care of him when he was sick...I was and felt needed with Julian. Greg never needs me for anything, except sex of course. He doesn't talk to me, so I can't console him, when he's sick I try to take care of him, but he doesn't really let me do that either.

Like I said yesterday Greg and Julian are two totally different guys, Julian liked being taken care of, even when he said he didn't. Greg doesn't, period! Maybe it's my 'motherly instincts' that kicked in while I was pregnant with Adrian, and they just never went away. I have always babied everyone, but I never really needed to be needed, you know? I hate it, it's like I'm dependent on another person to need me for me to be happy. It's so twisted, I know. :(

I just want to feel needed, even if I'm not. I want to feel loved, and wanted, and pretty. I want him to get out of this stupid funk so he can go back to being the guy he used to be, the guy that I quit my job for and gave up everything else for. Not this new depressed ass hole guy.

I don't know, I guess I'll go now though. Have to find something to do. Maybe I'll do more research on Renfield's Syndrome. Did I tell you about that?? *waits for an answer*, No? Okay well Renfield's Syndrome is what my next book is going to be about. Renfield's is considered 'clinical vampirism'. :D Yay me! An interesting story with an interesting twist and definitely an interesting character. It fascinates me. Joe said he was going to help with it, so that's pretty sweet also.

I've done a lot of research on it, maybe my next post can explain to you exactly what it and why people become that way. But then again, maybe I'll just make you google it yourself. :D Hehe. Happy Blogging!!!